Thursday, December 01, 2005
I HATE mood swings. I was fine half an hour ago, but now, I just want to curl up and cry. No reason why, I just want to. As usual, all the dogs know something is up. Ben and Sascha came and sat behind my chair. They weren't playing, they just lay down. Sascha is making an odd noise. Like a purr, but she cant purr, she's a dog!
I dont get this. I should be pretty happy. I have managed to lose 3lbs in weight this week. I have been trying for YEARS!!! and I DO mean years, to lose weight. In the last 15 years I have weighed around 17/18st (thats around 238/252lbs for my dear American friends). I reached my heaviest at the beginning of this year. 18st 9lb (261lbs). I am now down to 17st (238lbs). I have tried hard for years to diet. But one of the side effects of my depression is to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat! I'm sure you know what I mean. Some cant eat, some over eat. Well, I am the 2nd type. I will eat just about anything when I am depressed. Even stuff that normally makes me sick. Like fish. I HATE fish, especially tuna and salmon. But, if I am depressed, and there is a tin of tuna around. I'll eat it. This year I have been able to limit the damage by learning a new way of eating. A whole new eating plan. And it works for me. I want to get down to 14st (196lbs) I would be happy with that. I have NEVER been really skinny or anything. Always had plenty of meat on my bones. But I dont want to be this whale that I see in the mirror. This lump of lard. Huge rolls of fat. Making me so ugly I cant bear to look at myself. Why does Clive stay married to me when I am so ugly? Why do my beautiful dogs not care how bad I look? I dont know how anyone could bear to look at me.
I think I need some sleep. Lots of it. I am thinking about Tippi again. I miss her so much. I cant just reach out and touch her like I want to. I really hate her not being here. I feel so empty.
Can you only have pics at the top or at the sides of your posts? I wanted that pic of Tippi to be down here, with the words about her.
posted by tazfan at 10:10 pm comment(s) made:
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