Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Feel like my hands are floating in front of my body while I type this. I feel REALLY bad, but I have to keep going, or I wont make it through the day. I am trying to focus my brain and activities as much as possible.
Anyway. The real purpose of this post is to introduce you to the newest member of my dog pack. Most regular visitors to my blog know I breed German Shepherds. I breed under the English Kennel Club affix of Klaufi. For those of you who dont know what that means, it is just a way of identifying any dogs bred by me. All dogs bred by, or owned by me, will have Klaufi somewhere in their registered name. Well, this one wasn't bred by me but I will add Klaufi to her registered name later. Hert call name, the one I use in the house, her pet name, is Shunya. I dont know where I heard that word, but I love the sound of it.
So, here you go. May I introduce you all to Shunya. Newest member of the Klaufi Gang.
posted by tazfan at 3:06 pm comment(s) made:
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Yes. I AM still alive. But feel bad today. Just posting this to show babs the weirdies on her blog. Lookie here babs!!
posted by tazfan at 9:50 am comment(s) made:
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Sunday, January 29, 2006
I am really sorry that I haven't been commenting on other peoples blogs. But I can barely manage to cope with my own. Each post I amke takes me ages. Even if it is just a few lines. My concentration, and lack of motivation, combined with my general feeling of spaced-outtedness is just too much to deal with. I promise I will try to catch up later. I am still here for you all though, and if youneed me all you have to do is call me. Either by email, or through one of our wonderful litle clubns. COTGO, or Tower. YOu know. Sorry, go t togo.
posted by tazfan at 12:21 pm comment(s) made:
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Saturday, January 28, 2006
Sorry about not posting. But I just couldn't cope with not being able to find the keyboard. And yes, I am serious. THis med change has really knocked me all ways but better. I tried to type earlier, but my fingers wouldn't go to the right keys. I was typing stuff like yjod od s mohjy,str. Look at your keyboard. You'll find the letters I TRIED to type, one to the left of every key I actually hit!
I feel really weird. Like being drunk, but without actually drinking anything. I am constantly dizzy, feeling sick, moving very slowly, like through ice cream. And for some reason, which I dont understand at all, I am craving anything I think of. Like now. I REALLY want a huge bowl of ice cream. Before, when I was on about drinking, I wanted a drink!! It's like auto suggestion I suppose.
I really know what babs means about her spaced out feeling now. That is JUST how I am. But at least I think this new med might be helping. Although, I guess, the physical symptoms could just be the Effecor getting out of my system. Either way. I really want this new med to work. I hadn't realised how bad I was. Why do we always think we are better then we really are? Seems such a useless thing. Oh well.
Enough for now. My dear, darling Tony, seems to be doing pretty well in the Rolex 24hrs. He is in 8th place right now. Not bad with broken ribs and stuff, is it? I KNOW there are two other drivers in that car. But Tony moved the team up from 18th (I think) to 8th. Pretty good driving by my honey.
posted by tazfan at 10:33 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, January 27, 2006
Firstly, thanks babs, for doing a bit of research for me. When the doc changed my meds I was just so confused, and so scared I couldn't think straight. I didn't know what to do, or where to look. My whole brain was just , well, sort of a mush. No real coherent thoughts. No way could I do any more then I did, in looking up my new med. It scared me so much. So thanks babs. You are a real friend, and a wonderful person. To find the time to help me, when you are going through your own hell with YOUR med change. Love ya girl.
Second in my list of things to say, is also to babs. No, the doc isn't tapering my Effexor. I did a straight swap. Effexor for Mirtazapine. Well, the other way round, if you see what I mean. No more Effexor, just Mirtazapine. Plus my other normal meds of course.
Clance. I would be really glad of a chance to talk to someone who knows anything, ANYTHING, about this drug. As I said. I don't remember ever taking this one before, or anything in this particular family of drugs. So, yes please. Chat would be more then welcome. I think I need to know, for my own state of mind. Which is, after all, what this med is about!! Lookie, I made a joke!! A bad one, but a joke.
One thing I CAN say about this med, is that it is easy to take. It tastes of orange, and disperses on my tongue. Tastes quite nice. But that makes me wary. Nice tasting meds usually mean something not nice is about to happen.
posted by tazfan at 9:12 am comment(s) made:
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Thursday, January 26, 2006
I went to see my Doc today. Seems like I am nowhere near as good as I thought. The appointment took twice as long as I expected. He asked me a lot of questions he has not asked before. He also pointed out things I am doing, that I didn't even KNOW I was doing. Like flicking my fingernails, twisting my hair, twitching, losing the thread of a conversation in the middle of a sentence, and screwing up my face. Now he has pointed them out to me, I can see when I am doing them, some of the time. Anyway, after a hugely long list of questions, he decided to switch my medication. He thinks I had adapted to the Effexor too well. and That it was as good as useless now. He has prescribed me a drug I have never heard of before. Or at least, I dont remember having used it before. My memory is so bad these days. I can't remember anything for more then a few minutes any more. He has given me Mirtazapine (Zispin). Starting off at 30mg daily. I checked up a little on it. This is what I found. I also noticed it mentioned Venlafaxine (Effexor)
The efficacy of each antidepressant available has been found equal to that of amitriptyline in double-blind studies as far as mild to moderate depression is involved. However, it seems that some antidepressants are more effective than others in the treatment of severe types of depression (i.e., delusional depression and refractory depression). Following studies regarding the antinociceptive mechanisms of various antidepressants, we speculate that the involvement of the opioid system in the antidepressants' mechanism of action may be necessary, in order to prove effective in the treatment of severe depression. Among the antidepressants of the newer generations, that involvement occurs only with venlafaxine (a presynaptic drug which blocks the synaptosomal uptake of noradrenaline and serotonin and, to a lesser degree, of dopamine) and with mirtazapine (a postsynaptic drug which enhances noradrenergic and 5-HT1A-mediated serotonergic neurotransmission via antagonism of central alpha-auto- and hetero-adrenoreceptors). When mice were tested with a hotplate analgesia meter, both venlafaxine and mirtazapine induced a dose-dependent, naloxone-reversible antinociceptive effect following ip administration. Summing up the various interactions of venlafaxine and mirtazapine with opioid, noradrenergic and serotonergic agonists and antagonists, we found that the antinociceptive effect of venlafaxine is influenced by opioid receptor subtypes (mu-, kappa1- kappa3- and delta-opioid receptor subtypes) combined with the alpha2-adrenergic receptor, whereas the antinociceptive effect of mirtazapine mainly involves mu- and kappa3-opioid mechanisms. This opioid profile of the two drugs may be one of the explanations to their efficacy in severe depression, unlike the SSRIs and other antidepressants which lack opioid activity.
The big problem to me, is that I dont understand one single word of that. I found some other stuff, but it made even less sense then that I posted above.
I was reading the info sheet that came with this med. The list of side effects is HUGE!! I phoned the surgery and asked Andrew, the doc, about the side effects. He said that he believed the good this drug could do ME outweighed the side effects. I asked him what he meant. He said thought that this was one of the few drugs that was going to work on me for a while. It was also one of the few types of drug I hadn't tried. I dont trust most docs, but I do trust Andrew. But I am really scared. I dont know exactly why.I keep asking myself why he totally changed my depression meds. Such a total change. I dont understand. Clive did say that Andrew had explained some stuff, but that I had seemed, to use HIS words, OUT OF IT. Why am I scared? What is happening to me? I haven't felt this bad for a long time. I WAS feeling okay, but Andrew said that my brain had sort of shut off a little to try to make me feel okay.
I wish I was aware enough to actually find more stuff on this drug. But I am not sure what I am doing any more. I'm not even sure if what I am typing is making sense. I dont feel like I have any control any more. Not over me, over my surroundings, anything. I am scared. I am scared. I want to take this new drug. I dont want to. I need something to help me. I know that. But I dont like the sudden TOTAL change.
The doc has changed some of Clives meds too. But he has left him on Effexor. 75mg daily. He's put him on Tamazam too. Which I DONT like him being on. Its WAY too addictive to someone like Clive. I am going to have to try to persuade Clive not to take them every day.
Am I rambling? I dont even really know what I have said. And I am not going back to read it now. I dont want to get myself upset over something. What I typed is what I was thinking at that moment. I must have had a reason. Even if I dont know what that reason is.
posted by tazfan at 8:03 pm comment(s) made:
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Wednesday, January 25, 2006
My entire life is so BORING!! Nothing happening to tell anyone about. No news. Nothing. What the hell am I even alive for? My life seems to be getting even MORE predictable, if thats possible. DAMN!!! I was doing okay. But something doesn't like me doing well. There always has to be SOMETHING wrong. If my life is okay, something comes along and kicks me down. And not satisfied with that, it then kicks me WHILE I am down. Why do I even bother. If it wasn't for the fact that Clive cant cope with the dogs on his own, I dont think I would even bother being here. I am beginning to see no future for me. I just wish something would go right for me. I know, Things only go right when you MAKE them go right. Well, I dont have the energy any more. I dont think I can fight any more. I dont WANT to fight. I just want to lay down and forget everything.
posted by tazfan at 3:07 pm comment(s) made:
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Saturday, January 21, 2006
Looks like I need a lot more interesting stuff to blog. Checking the keyword search for my blog comes up with only two entries. One for Tony Stewart (no surprise there then), and one for Vauxhall. Wow. So entertaining. Think I'll go catch a greased pig.
posted by tazfan at 3:17 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, January 20, 2006
I was sat, quietly working on some photos of one of Clives dioramas. I was humming gently to myself. Clive called me, very quietly. When I looked to see what he wanted I noticed Ben, my stud dog, listening intently to me. I managed to reach under my desk and get my camera, all the while carrying on humming. This is the resulting picture. I love my dogs.
posted by tazfan at 11:19 pm comment(s) made:
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If only I had some sort of life to live, instead of this boring, dreary, same old, same old that I have. I need some fun in my life. I need laughter. I get some from the blogs and emails my internet friends send me, but I need some in my real life.
When we moved into this house nearly four years ago, the window in the back of the house was in danger of falling out. The frame was rotten. We told the landlord and he said he would get it done. He did. TODAY!! I finally have a brand new, double glazed window at the back of my house. AND I can see through it too!!It has reduced the draughts and the house is already warmer. It looks so much better too. No more worrying about whether the kids, grandkids, or dogs are going to knock the window out.
I think I need to dye my hair. I noticed today how grey I am going. I don't feel old enough to be going grey. I need to dye my hair. Well, just cover up the grey. But there is a lot of grey to cover. I have never dyed my hair before. I don't know how difficult it will be. Knowing my luck, I will end up with bright orange hair. At least it will be the right colour for supporting Tony!!
posted by tazfan at 10:32 pm comment(s) made:
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Many, many thanks to Denise, she of Moodswing Creations, and Babs, of our favourite blog,How To Go Insane. Denise made the template for my blog, and Babs installed it for me (cos I am not quite clever enough for that yet). I love it. I REALLY love it. My fave boy, and Big Orange, where I can see him all the time I am reading my blog. Now EVERYONE knows who my boy is. Denise, Babs, I love you girls!!! You are wonderful. Denise, you seemed to know right away what I wanted, without me even telling you! Babs, Thanks for giving up your time, when you are not feeling 100%. I owe you both. Wonderful. Wonderful. I am happy.
posted by tazfan at 8:56 am comment(s) made:
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Thursday, January 19, 2006
I am going to bed. I was sat reading emails, and I got a really sharp, fast, pain right through my head. Just like someone had shoved a red hot bar through my head. I feel sick, and I feel very dizzy. It is all easing off now, but I feel so tired now that I dont think I can sit up much longer.
Babs, email coming your way.
Night all
posted by tazfan at 11:25 pm comment(s) made:
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So now the OTHER post shows up!! I'M GOING MAD!!! HELP!!!
posted by tazfan at 10:59 pm comment(s) made:
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I KNOW I posted this url on the post I made earlier. But it didn't show up for some reason.
http://www.topeuro.co.uk/blagger/the_duel.html
Now, if THAT ^ didn't show up, here's the url so you can c&p it.
http://www.topeuro.co.uk/blagger/the_duel.html
This is about the tenth time I have tried to post this tonight. My blog kept coming back saying it couldn't publish because of errors. Dont know WHAT errors. But I think maybe my computer is scared of me now. I just threatened to feed it to the scrap car dealers down the road.
posted by tazfan at 10:56 pm comment(s) made:
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I have just spent the last 15 minutes watching something that has had me splitting my sidexs laughing. Now I know I have an odd sense of humour. I AM English after all, but I found this SO funny!!
http://www.topeuro.co.uk/blagger/the_duel.html
I am still giggling.
posted by tazfan at 4:47 pm comment(s) made:
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
I stated onew of my previous jobs was "Snake Stuffer". Well, it wasn't REAL snakes I was stuffing. It was draught excluders, shaped like snake. But my job title was snake stuffer. I put the Kapok filling in the draught excluder snakes. Used a machine like a vacuum cleaner set to blow instead of suck. Blew all the stuffing into the tubes that became the snakes. Was a lot of fun.
Sorry :)
posted by tazfan at 7:24 pm comment(s) made:
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Thanks Clance!!!
Four jobs you've had in your life:
1. Riding Instructor
2. Snake Stuffer
3. Forecourt Cashier
4. Cab driver
Four movies you could watch over and over again:
1. Men In Black
2. Men In Black II
3. Independance Day
4. National Velvet
Four places you've lived:
1. Denmead, nr Portsmouth. Hampshire
2. Rowledge, nr Farnham. Surrey
3. Sneyd Green, Stoke On Trent. Staffordshire
4. Blackpool. Lancashire
Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Malta
2. Fort William. Scotland
3. Weymouth. Dorset
4. Great Yarmouth. Norfolk
Four websites you visit daily
1. Racinground.com
2. Global-lifeline.co.uk
3. attheraces.com
4. NASCAR.com
Four of your favorite foods:
1. Steak
2. Steak
3. Steak
4. Chicken
Four places you would rather be:
1. Anywhere in America where my online friends are.
2. Malta
3. Australia
4. Canada
Four albums you can't live without:
1. Garth Brooks "Double Live"
2. Garth Brooks "The Hits"
3. Garth Brooks "The Chase"
4. Garth Brooks "Sevens
Four magazines you read:
1. Horse And Hound
2. Horse And Rider
3. Your Horse
4. PC Format
Four cars you have owned:
1.1970 Vauxhall 101
2.1978 Austin Allegro
3.1980 Lada Samara
4.1980 Vovo 245 Estate. Blue. LOVED it. Had to sell it to raise money, and cried like a baby when it went.
I think thats it then. Now, who can I tag?
Susan? Nascar Granny!!
posted by tazfan at 3:44 pm comment(s) made:
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Sunday, January 15, 2006
My whole life feels wrong. I dont know why. I cant pin it down. But I woke up this morning, and felt like everything was slightly out of place. Not much, but still out of place. My food today has tasted wrong. Not bad or anything, just not as I expect it to taste. My coffee didn't taste right either. Nothing is right. I feel out of touch, out of the loop. Like I am missing something. But I just dont know what.
posted by tazfan at 10:12 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, January 13, 2006
Why do some people make it so hard for others. They dont always know they are doing it, but it still happens! How can I possibly make things right if they are trying to turn things their own way.
Sorry. I know this wont make any sense to y'all, but I had to type it out. It is the only way I can get it out of my head right now.
posted by tazfan at 9:32 pm comment(s) made:
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My head feels really weird. I guess the only way I can describe it, is that it feels like its full of mush. Every time I turn my head the mush slops about. I feel dizzy, sick, unbalanced. I cant concentrate on anything for more then a minute or so. It's taken me 15 minutes to type this out so far. I want to help everybody else, but how can I when I cant even keep my mind locked on to one thing for any length of time. If anyone has got any weird comments from me, its because I forget what I am typing about!
posted by tazfan at 3:07 pm comment(s) made:
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Thursday, January 12, 2006
Our Doctor requires you to have a medical review every six months. Basically, I think he wants to check you are still alive. He's quite cute really, even if he DOES wear Simpsons socks! Anyway, I was due for a review in April 2005, I didn't go. BEcause I didn't go I didn't get booked in for my next review in October 2005. But I happened to see my doctor while I was grocery shopping today. He asked how I was, took one look at me, said "Dont bother answering" And told me to get my backside in the surgery on 24th of this month or he would come looking for me. And he would too! So I guess I dont escape the review. It will also be a chance to talk to him about my lack of sleeping at night. And I think the Effexor I am on isn't working as well as it did before. I think I either need a higher dose (dont think I can go much above the dose I am on now) or its time my meds were changed. I am feeling worse and worse each day. I need someone to kick my ass and tell me to get myself sorted! It wont make me do anything other then fight, but maybe that what I need.
posted by tazfan at 8:38 pm comment(s) made:
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Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I have a son named Allan. He isn't the best son in the world, but he is trying to be. He has a lot of problems. He is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome at the moment. He has met a girl that he really likes, she has just left her husband who was mentally cruel to her. She has two young children. Allen phoned me this morning to ask what I thought of her. Then he asked if he should have a relationship with her. I dont know!! I told him I dont know. But he thinks he isn't good enough to have a relationship. Damn. I'm beginning to think he is in a worse state then me! It hurts when you cant help your kids. I feel pretty useless, but what could I tell him? I said it was a choice he had to make for himself. He asked what to do if it failed. I said he would only find that out if it did. I am starting to confuse myself now.
Allan
posted by tazfan at 4:48 pm comment(s) made:
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Thats where I feel like I am going. No reason. Just heading down. I feel like a failure again, and I dont know why. I want to help others get better, but how can I when I am like this?
Been thinking about Phil again. Lots. I have got it into my head that I need to go to a spiritualist church. Dont know why. Seems pointless.
posted by tazfan at 10:10 am comment(s) made:
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Sunday, January 08, 2006
passing me by right now. Nothing is interesting me. I tried to sit and watch some of the tapes that babs had sent me of races from the last season of Nascar. I couldn't even concentrate on that. I am just so lethargic. I dont even want to get out of bed in the morning. If it wasn't for the dogs, I probably wouldn't bother. I need to kick myself in the arse and get myself motivated! But I dont know how to do it. I feel like there is nothing worth doing. I just wish I could get some get-up-and-go. But my get-up-and-go has got-up-and gone.
posted by tazfan at 8:25 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, January 06, 2006
Come see what I found!!!
http://www.hottubessentials.com/spa_celebriduck_Matt_Kenseth.asp
posted by tazfan at 10:30 pm comment(s) made:
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I have written so much about Phil, and have more to write about him yet, much more, that I thought I had maybe better introduce tyou to the man who has my love now. THis is a picture of Clive. I love him to bits. And he loves me. Daft old sod. We rub along nicely together.
Here's a video of him too.
posted by tazfan at 10:06 pm comment(s) made:
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Just wanted to let you know the New Homeland Security Bill has extended. .
Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be
tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you
will not notice anything different.
For a demonstration, click on the link below:
Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be
tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you
will not notice anything different.
For a demonstration, click on the link below:
Click here: http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/