Saturday, February 25, 2006
If only life was as easy to change as the decor in your home. We would all be fine, healthy, and wealthy. As to wise, well, I dont think I could ever be wise. But I keep on trying.
I have spent almost the entire day trying to get a virus out of my email client. My email prog is kept on an external drive which is switched off unless I am actually using it. I am so mad. I am going to have to lose all my emails. I have to uninstall the programme and format the drive, and then re-install. I can export and import my address book, so that is safe. But a lot of the emails I have kept over the years mean an awful lot to me. Some offered words of hope and love, when I was so down that I just wanted to die. They offered support andwisdom, when I was at my weakest. There are just too many emails for me to forward to myself, and I dont know of any other way to keep them. This has upset me. Does anyone know any other way I can keep the emails? I know where the virus is in general, but I cant narrow it down to a specific folder.
On the upswing. Shunya is settling in really well. REven though she has ended up with almost as much paint on her today as there is on my walls. Typically, she has found EVERY single damp patch of paint in the house! She is growing well, and already has her place in my little household pack. She's the boss!!! Well, okay, she THINKS she's the boss. The others let her think that way for now, as she is so young. But boy, is she going to get a surprise when they decide the time is right for her to be put in her place. Here's a pic taken yesterday. She has changed a lot in the few weeks we have had her.
posted by tazfan at 9:25 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, February 24, 2006
First night over. NEw meds will take a while to start working. But I DID sleep pretty well last night. I dont think it was anything to do with the meds, just the fact I was exhausted.
Two thirds of the decorating in the living room done now. Hard work.
Here's hubby painting the window frames. Skinny kinda runt isn't he :)
Okay, you remember the stripes? Look! NO STRIPES!!!!
Still not finished. The wall facing the door is still to be bordered. And the pictures and photos have all still got to be re-hung. Please ignore the mess, this was taken while we were still working!
We're getting there. Slowly.
Still struggling to keep a hold on my temper. but I DID have to laugh yesterday, when Clive told the doc that if he, the doc, didn't do something about my meds, and fast, he (the doc) could well end up being an accessory to murder. He says it has been like living with a bear with three sore heads. Now THAT reminded me of an email I got from a friend, about wanting to be a bear.
posted by tazfan at 9:00 pm comment(s) made:
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Thursday, February 23, 2006
Long appointment with the doc this morning. Told him all the problems I have had with cutting the Evil Effexor. He apologised. Said he should have warned me. But he also agreed with me that the Zispin isn't working either. So my meds have been changed again. I am now on Dothiepin. Also known as Dosulepin. Starting off at 150mg daily. Doc says it probably wont make much difference at that level, but he cant start me on a higher dose because it can cause some pretty severe side effects. So, until we have discovered if it will cause any side effects with me, we stick with the low dose. I just hope I feel some benefit from this
The decorating is coming on nicely. Putting the paper on the lower half of the room now. Finished the short wall by the door, other then some touching up where the dozy thing I married managed to get gloss on the wall, from the picture rail. But at least you can get an idea of what the room will look like when its finished.
It's SO much better then those blasted stripes!!!
posted by tazfan at 6:28 pm comment(s) made:
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Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Getting a bit fidgety now. Waiting for tomorrow morning. Waiting to see the doc. Not sure if I am looking forward to it, or if it is scaring me. What if he doesn't have any way to help me? What if there are no more meds I can take. I hate being out of control. No, thats wrong. I hate not being IN control. And depression takes that away from me.
In trying to distract ourselves, the re-decorating is moving ahead, slowly. Got a nice curtain pole today. Very cheap, but nice. Doesn't look cheap.
posted by tazfan at 8:10 pm comment(s) made:
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posted by tazfan at 8:10 pm comment(s) made:
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
We, hubby and I, decided that we needed to change things around us. So we decided to re-decorate the living room. We used to have a lot of stripes. They were here when we moved in, and we just never got round to changing them. Well, Now we did. So our living room is slowly changing. Earlier today it looked like this. See the stripes behind the boys? The boys are my son-in law, Danny, and his friend Rob.
Now, part way through decorating, our living room looks like this.
and
No, It's NOT pink, it's called liquer, and is a sort of coffee/milk chocolate colour. Now we need to get the paper on, and the border. And finish touching up the woodwork.
posted by tazfan at 9:17 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, February 17, 2006
YEAH!!! I finally did something right today. About time.
Cant wait until Thursday, when I go to the docs again. He has got a lot of reading to do, as I have written down everything I am feeling, and how i THINK I am acting. But Clive is going with me to tell the doc how I am REALLY acting.
posted by tazfan at 9:30 pm comment(s) made:
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Click here to see a filmloop of some pics of my dogs
I think my dogs are one of the things that has kept me on the sane side of crazy. Even though I KNOW I am not going crazy, it doesn't stop me feeling like that.
Hope that works okay. Wont be the first thing to go wrong today.
posted by tazfan at 9:22 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, February 10, 2006
I really don't feel much like doing anything today. Had a HUGE fight with Clive. Don't want him around any more. Not if he is just going to make me feel lousy all the time. Everything is my fault. He doesn't hear what I say? Well, I must imagine that I am speaking! Nothing to do with the fact that he cant hear anything half the time. There is a pile of unopened bills on the table? It's my fault. They are all addressed to him, but its MY fault. Don't know why I bother even being here. What's the point? So I can be reduced to tears again? Yeah, sure, I really want that to happen don't I? I really hate myself for not being strong enough to do something about it. Yes, I love Clive, and I know he loves me. But right now I just don't want to be here. If it wasn't for the dogs I would just go stay with some friends, or even just go live on the streets for a bit. Nothing could make me feel as bad as I do right now. I couldn't even kill myself because, in his words, "Who would look after the dogs"? He knows I love my dogs way too much to let anything happen to them. Dammit!! I don't want this. I don't need this. I cant deal with it. I am so down I don't think I will ever get back up. I'm not even sure I want to any more. I just don't want to have to deal with the daily fights. Before you get thinking all bad about Clive, he suffers from depression too. But his is very mild. He wont do anything though. Yes, he's on meds. But he moans if I go out of the house. Says we he never goes anywhere. Who is stopping him. Oh, I cant go out, I don't have any money is what he says. Well, guess what buster. NEITHER DO I!! I go to see my sister sometimes, because if I didn't , I think I would kill him. And I am serious. He gets me that mad. That and more. I don't always enjoy being at my sisters, she has five kids plus her grandkid living there, and the house is always full of noise. I like peace and quiet. Not all the time, just some of it, but I don't like full on noise all the time. I just don't know what to do any more. I don't care much either. Whets the point of caring? Nothing is going to change. It cant, because Clive wont let it. I sometimes think he enjoys being all gloom and doom. He almost fights to stay like that. It makes me feel so much worse. But for him, every little problem is a huge catastrophe. And its going to kill us. It is slowly chipping away at my love for Clive. I don't think I love him as much as I once did. But I DO still love him. Does that make any sense to anyone. I'm not sure it does to me.
I want to give up. I really do. I don't want to have to fight any more. I am tired. I am so tired. Not just physically, but mentally too. I have to think for us both. All the time. I cant do it any more. I really cant. I wish I didn't have to. But what can I do. I tell him he would be better off on his own, so he comes back with the "don't you love me any more"? Of COURSE I love him. But I don't LIKE him very much right now. If he wasn't in my life I would be so unhappy, but I'm unhappy now. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if its even WORTH trying to work it all out anymore. I want to give up. Let go of life and just let all the problems go away. I cant stop crying just lately. I hate crying. It means others can see my pain. Why should I inflict MY pain on anyone else? Don't they have enough of their own? It's not fair of me to open my box of troubles to others. I don't want this any more. No more. No more.
posted by tazfan at 12:25 pm comment(s) made:
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Wednesday, February 08, 2006
I stole this from Babs.
She stole it from Ann
You Are 40% Abnormal |
 You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at high risk for having a social phobia. It is very likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer. |
I'm not doing well today. Developed a raging desire to eat salt. Which is making me even more thirsty then I was before. Still, I'm alive. I suppose that counts for something. I'm thinking about booking my appointment with my doc a week early. Clive keeps saying I am truly impossible to live with right now, and its not just the Effexor withdrawal problems. He says I am so unbelievably moody, angry, nasty, cruel, and horrible. I know he wouldn't say that unless I was. Please don't tell me that Clive shouldn't say things like that. He is only telling me the truth. And If I don't know what I am really like, how can I tell my doc?
I just wish all this was over. Then I could at least TRY to get on with my life. I feel like I am wasting so much time waiting for one med to get out of my system, and the other to start working at full strength. I fel like I cant do anything. Like I am useless. About the only thing I can manage at the moment is to bore all you lot with endless forwards of email!!
posted by tazfan at 9:32 pm comment(s) made:
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Tuesday, February 07, 2006
After one really good nights sleep I am still feeling better then I have done since I stopped taking the Effexor. But I still feel really bad. Not as bad as I did, but still bad. The feelings of light-headedness and dizziness are slowly going away. Very slowly, but still going. I am still drinking like a fish. Water and pop mainly, but also coffee, and fruit tea. I am just so thirsty all the time. It's like, no matter how much I drink I am still thirsty. Soon as I wake up I have to drink a couple of pints of water.
Thanks for all the really supportive comments you have all left me. They have helped me far more then you will ever know. You are just wonderful people. Thanks
posted by tazfan at 3:10 pm comment(s) made:
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Sunday, February 05, 2006
Before I go to see what comments have been left on my blog (if Blogger hasn't pinched them!) I just want to say thank you to everyone who helped me in chat last night. Thanks to you, i finally relaxed, and ended up having 12 hours solid sleep. I woke this morning feeling better then I have done for days. What an incredibly powerful group of indivuals we are. And what angels, to reach out and help someone, even though you have problems of your own.
THANK YOU!!!
posted by tazfan at 3:26 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, February 03, 2006
The last few days have been pure hell. And, I am told, it will get worse. The feelings of being "spaced out" and empty have intensified to an unbeleivable level. I tried a short walk today. Biggest mistake I could have made. I feel like someone took my head and filed it with helium. I keep feeling, and being sick. Really , REALLY scared myself. Phoned the docs, and he told me it was okay. It was normal. But it doesn't FEEL normal. Not at all sure what it DOES feel like, except damn scarey. I dont like being like this. And it has affected just about EVERYTHING. I was checking hubbies bank account today, and realised I have missed making a couple of payments into it. Doesn't sound too bad, does it? Until you realise that, for every payment in I missed, a direct debit did NOT get paid. AND the bank charges up £40 for each unpaid direct debit. Thats about US$71, CAN £81,AUS $91, 59 Euros. for EVERY SINGLE mistake I make. We live on a very tight budget. £40 is more then 1/3 of what hubby and I have to live on each week. And out of that I have to fund EVERYTHING, including the excess rent I have to pay. I feel so stupid. I am going to end up not eating because I was stupid enough to miss a payment. I might even have to let the internet access go for a month.
Add all that to the fact that our cooker damn near blew up this week. Started humming and making noises, and smelling, when the oven was on. And now three of the four hob rings wont work. I'm scared to use it.
Why doesn't someone just shoot me. It would be far easier. I cant be around when people need someone to talk to. I cant help anyone. Damnit I cant even help myself. I am so useless. I might as well just not be here at all.
Endless sleep. I never want to wake up, but I dont sleep well.I want endless sleep. No, lets get it right. I just dont want to be alive any more. I cant do anything except make life worse for me, for everyone. I dont want to be here. No more.
posted by tazfan at 8:02 pm comment(s) made:
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