Life, highs and lows of an English Tony Stewart fan.

An Englishwoman, living in England, who loves Nascar, Tony Stewart, Garth Brooks, horses, German Shepherd Dogs,and absolutely adores all her American (and Canadian) friends!!!!

Friday, March 31, 2006

You have now met two of my furbabies. What can I say. I love them to bits. they keep me sane. They keep me alive. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my dogs. And they ask nothing in return except to be fed, and loved, and played with, and walked. They keep me warm in winter, when they snuggle up to me, or lie across me feet. they know when I am sad, or happy. They know if I just need to cry into their necks. Whatever I need, my dogs try to provide it. And this is after people, I cant call them human, have so badly abused them. I feel I have accomplished so much when I restore an abused dog to a fit, well, happy dog.

I have three more dogs who will each give you their stories. But not today. The stories each made me cry. When I think about how cruel people can be. Not just to animals, but to other people too. And WE are supposed to be the civilised ones!! Yeah, sure.



Okay. Now I have to try to stop crying again. And I just found out Tony was fastest in practice (Thanks Babs, via Ben :) ) that makes me pretty happy :)

posted by tazfan at 8:36 pm comment(s) made: 2

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Hello. My name is Kita.This is a pic my Mum loves, because I look so funny. I was begging for a piece of bacon. But I am such a good girl, I wouldn't take it without Mum telling me I could.

I am 6 years old. I am an absolutely gorgeous bi-colour German Shepherd. I hope you don't go purely on appearances, because I am very small. Not small as in very thin or anything. It's just that I am not very tall. And that was because of some very, VERY nasty humans. I know not everyone is like those horrible people, and I am so glad that there are people like my human Mum, who can take on those of us dogs who have been "damaged" by other humans, and restore our trust.

You have already been told by Ben about how it was at our breeders. I was bred by Jackie, as were most of Mums dogs. Jackie is the same with ALL her babies. She loves her dogs as much as is humanely possible. My registered name is Aaronby Issadoras Cascade, but Mum just calls me Kita. Because Jackie has lots of dogs, she has lots of puppies, well, not HER personally, but her furrymums do. So the odd one of us slips through the net. The couple who came to choose me to be their furbaby seemed very nice. They cuddled lots of us puppies, and finally chose me. I was just as big as the rest on my siblings. A nice big girl. Life was quite good for a little while, until I was five months old. Then the couple who bought me split up.

The lady kept me, and she moved in with another man. He didn't like me. But he didn't let the lady know. When my lady went to work in the evenings he was supposed to feed me. But he never did. And he hit me. He hit me with metal bars. I grew very scared of everything. And I didn't grow. The lady couldn't understand why I wasn't growing. The man didn't tell her that he hit me, or that he never fed me.

The lady took me to a place that smelled very odd. I didn't like it. But a man in a green coat looked at me. He felt me all over, he stuck something sharp in my leg, and some red stuff came out. He was very gentle, and very kind. He talked to me, quietly, and I felt safe. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. He made us wait outside in a big room where there were lots of other animals waiting. Some cats, some dogs, some odd things with big ears. They scared me. I cowered under the bench.

After a little while the green coat man called us back into the special room. He said that he had confirmed that I was something called malnourished. He said I only weighed half of what I should weigh. My lady couldn't understand why. She told the green coat man that I was fed three times a day. He said they were not feeding me enough then. The green coat man stuck the sharp thing in my leg again, but this time he was putting something in, not taking it out.

The lady took me home. She had water leaking from her eyes. I tried to lick it away. She looked so sad. When we got back to the house the man was there. She told him what green coat man had said. She asked if he had been feeding me enough in the evening. The man got angry, and he hit her. I tried to protect her, but I was only a baby, and I wasn't very big. The man kicked me hard. He hurt my back. The lady grabbed me and we ran away. We went to the ladys friends house. The lady phoned Jackie. She told her what happened and asked if I could go back to Jackies as she had nowhere to stay. Jackie said of course I could.

Jackie came to fetch me, and after a long talk, the lady asked Jackie to find me a new home. My lady was crying. She knelt down on the floor and cuddled me. She was leaking water from her eyes again. I was very sad. But I didn't want to go back to where that man was.

Jackie had a long telephone conversation with someone, and arranged for them to come the next day. I didn't know who she was talking to, but I could see that Jackie was not happy. She sat on the floor and gave me lots of cuddles. She kept talking to me, saying she was sorry. But it wasn't her fault I had been hurt, and I tried to tell her that.

While I was there, one of my sisters came back to visit Jackie. I didn't recognise her at first. She had been smaller then me when we were babies. Now she was a lot taller then me, and she was much fatter. I looked like a baby next to her. It made me sad that I could have been like my sister, but wasn't. I was much smaller.

The next day a lady came to see Jackie. She didn't look at me, she didn't try to touch me. She made a big fuss of all the other dogs, but I didn't want to get close to her in case she was going to hit me. But after a while I thought I wanted to smell her. S I moved closer, ready to run away if she tried to touch me. But she didn't. She just carried on petting the other dogs and talking to Jackie. I felt safe, so I went closer. She still didn't look at me. I wanted the fusses that the other dogs were getting, so I put my nose in her hand. She stopped petting the others and just let me sniff her hand. Then she very slowly put her hand on my neck and gave the fur there a gentle ruffle. I knew I was safe, and started to rub my head against her hand. It felt so nice.

The lady was my new Mum. I went in the car and was taken to Mums house. There were already two dogs there. One like me, called Tippi, and a big hairy thing called Dookie. I found out later that he was a Rough collie, and that his breed was also called lassie collies. They both greeted me, and asked me if i wanted to play. I wasn't sure so I went and sat by my Mum. She gave me a new collar, and showed me a new bed, and gave me some toys to play with. After a little while Mum called Tippi and Dookie and she put down bowls of lovely food. Lots of it. I bolted it, because I wasn't sure if there would be any more. But a few hours later Mum offered me some more food. Only a little, but more!

That night I cried a little. I was supposed to sleep downstairs with Dookie, but I was scared. So Mum came down and got me, and I went upstairs to be with Tippi. Oh it felt nice. Tippi told me not to worry. Mum looked after us very well. The next morning there was more food. And a walk. A LONG walk. It was lovely. I played with Tippi and Dookie.

Now I am a lucky girl. Mum loves me very much, and I have had 15 beutiful little girls and boys. They are all normal sized. Ben is their Daddy. Here's a pic of one of my first puppies. This is Carly. She looks like I would have done if I hadn't been starved and hit. Isn't she beautiful?
She is such a clever girl too. She has learned all sorts of things with her new owner, Mike. I am so glad that all my puppies have gone to really nice homes, with peiople who love and care for them. I would never want any dog to go through the things I did.

So now, I live with Mum, Dad, and the rest of the Klaufi pack. We are happy, healthy, well fed dogs. I am so lucky to have a Mum who cares so much. She is alwwys hapy to take on dogs who have been abused. I know we make it hard for her. We dont trust people at first, and it takes a long time to get to forget everything that happened, and learn to trust Mum and Dad. But they take the time and make the effort. I love my Mum, and I know my Mum loves me.

Here's a pic of me looking quite well. I like this pic. And one more of Mums favourite pics of me.















Dont you think I am a pretty girl now?

posted by tazfan at 6:52 pm comment(s) made: 3

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Okay. Peaches and Franky told me I should get my pack to do write ups, like they did. I can do it, So can Kita, and Mishka, but I think Inka, and that daft pup Shunya, might have a little trouble with it. But I am sure Mum will help them if they need it. So, here goes.

Hi. I'm Ben. Well, that's what Mum calls me, but my real name is Aaronby Vivid Colour. Mum said she is not standing outside yelling THAT at me to get me to come in. She says by the time she had finished calling it out, I would have run off! This is one of my Mums favourite picture of me.
Its not the best pic, but it was one of the first ones she took after I stopped being so frightened.
You see, I didn't have the best start in life. The lady who bred me, and my brothers and sisters, is a lovely lady named Jackie. She is one of Mums best friends. She got my Mum and Dad together, and looked after Mum really well until we were born. Then she took such wonderful care of us. She played with us every day. For the first four weeks of our life we stayed upstairs in the whelping room. It was nice and warm there. And safe. So very safe.
But when we were four weeks old, we went down to live in the kitchen.

Jackie has lots of other dogs, and they all came to meet us then. They were VERY big, well, big to us anyway. Jackie still played with us every day. And never came past our pen without stopping to talk to us, and give some of us a cuddle.When we were six weeks old other people came to see us. They seemed to want something. Sometimes Jackie said yes to them, and sometimes she said no. I learned later that they wanted to buy some of us. But Jackie only ever sold us to people who she thought would look after us as well as she did. She said no to people who really only wanted a status symbol, or they wanted to make us vicious and nasty. We are not like that naturally you know. That is how people make us.

Anyway, a lady came to see Jackie. She told her that she had lost her GSD bitch. I thought that was really careless until mum explained that it meant her dog had gone to the Rainbow Bridge. That made me sad. The lady talked to Jackie for a long time. Jackie told her that she needed another bitch puppy. I had five sisters so there were plenty to choose from. But the lady said she wanted a dog this time. Jackie wasn't really sure, but she gave her the benefit of the doubt. Jackie explained that dogs need diffferent handling to bitches. The lady said she understood. She paid Jackie some money and took me away. I was frightened.

When we got to the ladys home there was another dog there. He was blind, and every noise made him bark. It hurt my ears. I have big ears, and they are sensitive. At first I tried to play with the other dog, but he kept biting me, and eventually the lady started keeping us in seperate rooms. She always took the other dog out for walks, but she never took me. She said it was too much time wasted. So I stayed in the house. Whenever anyone came to see the lady she locked me in a different room. So I never learned to greet people, and I started getting very, very scared. Of everything. The lady phoned Jackie and told her she couldn't do anything with me. She didn't tell Jackie about leaving me locked in rooms on my own so I never met anyone, or that she didn't take me for walks. Jackie offered to take me back and train me. Oh it was so nice to be back with my Mum and Dad, and all the other members of Jackies pack.

Jackie taught me to not be afraid, and how to walk nicely on a lead. She taught me how to greet people, by sitting down and letting them stroke me. It felt nice. When she had taught me enough, Jackie phoned the lady and she came to get me. I thought it was all going to be different. But it wasn't. The lady still wouldn't let me meet people, and she still wouldn't walk me. So after another month, she phoned Jackie and said I was back how I was originally. Jackie got very angry. She knew that I tried hard to be a good dog, and she knew that I needed lots of attention. I was a growing puppy. Jackie told the lady she would buy me back. The lady took me back to Jackies, and the next day another lady came to see me. She didn't chase me when I didn't want to meet her. She just sat on the floor in the kitchen, playing with my Mum and Dad, and some other puppies that Jackie had. She smelled of other dogs. Happy dogs. I couldn't restrain my curiosity and went over to sniff at her. She didn't try to catch me. She just talked softly to me, and waited until I put my nose on her arm before she offered me her hand. I licked her hand. I liked this lady. All this time, Jackie had been talking to the lady, and I found out she had four other dogs. All related to me somehow. The lady stood up. I went and sat by her side. She stroked my head. It felt so nice.

The lady was my new mum. THIS Mum, and I love her. She loves me too. I was still so very scared of everything when I got to my new Mums house, and would hide when new people came in. That's what I thought I had to do you see. Because the other lady took me away from people.
But Mum taught me not to be afraid. That she wouldn't let anyone hurt me. All the other dogs tried to be my friends, but I didn't know how to play anymore. Slowly, I learned. And I learned it could be FUN. So I played, and I met people, and I went for walks!! WALKS!! I love walks. People see me and want to stroke me because I am so handsome. I AM handsome you know!! Just look at me now! I know I look a bit scruffy in this pic. I was changing my coat. I call it my casual look.
But I am big, strong, bouncy and full of fun now. And I am Daddy to 15 little boys and girls. All who are good boys and girls. Mum made sure that they all went to very, very good homes. She asks people lots of questions when they come to see our puppies. And if they don't answer them all in the right way Mum tells them that they cant have one of our babies.

I love lying with my head on Mums feet as she types on the computer. I know she has shown my picture to lots of people on the internet (that's what she says. I don't know what it means) because she reads me all the compliments I get from people.

So now I live my life happily. Surrounded by my family pack. Mum and Dad at the top, Then Kita and myself, then Mishka, then Inka, and finally the little furbucket Shunya. She is Mums newest baby. And even though she is a pain in the butt right now, she will become a big, beautiful, loving, friendly girl. How do I know? Because she has my Mum and Dad to teach her. And they LOVE us all. We are always getting hugs and cuddles. They play with us, they teach us. They love us, and we love them.

So. Hope I didn't bore you with my story.

Love.

BEN

posted by tazfan at 10:42 am comment(s) made: 5

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

What is it with all these people who think the world owes them a living? "I didn't ask to be born" is a favourite thing for them to say. I would LOVE to reply with "and I almost wish you hadn't been", but I am just too civilised to say it. Cant stop me thinking it though.

Had a rather stupid conversation with someone over the phone today. How did I like my life of leisure? WHAT leisure? Okay, I dont go out to work, I cant. I have been told not to by my doctor. But that doesn't mean I sit around doing nothing all day. I have a husband to care for, and five dogs who all need grooming, and walking, and feeding, and playing with, and training every day! Then I have the housework to do. You think it does itself? Who do you think I am? Mary Poppins?
Yes, I try to get everything done quickly so I can have some time on the computer, but I do have other things to do. And anyway, being at home all day isn't always that much fun. I dont see anyone unless they come round to my house. I dont go anywhere. I cant afford to. I am in danger of becoming a recluse. My people skills are one step up from dead right now. And that is not good. I cant keep retreating inside myslef. It just wont work. I have to venture out SOMETIMES.

I have started re-reading Stephen Kings The Dark Tower Series. And I am really enjoying it.
I read pretty quickly, so I can finish a paperback in a day easily. Hardbacks take me a couple of hours longer sometimes. I end up with aching wrists from holding the book.

I wonder what the people I once knew are doing now. When I was young, I had a great group of friends, but I dont know where any of them are now. Strange, how they just jumped into my mind then.

Oh well. I suppose I had better go and do something leisurely, like walk the dogs.

posted by tazfan at 10:41 pm comment(s) made: 7

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I am so sick of junk mail coming through my door. Seems like every day there is more new stuff. It's bad enough with all the junk in my email inbox. Mailman is quite nice though. If he has to knock with a parcel, or anything too big to go through the letterbox, he always apologises for all the junk. I know its not his fault. He just has to deliver whatever he is given. Must make his job harder too. If every house has junk mail, his mail sack must be REALLY heavy! Got me thinking about other jobs, and how they must get put on too. I know when I was a riding instructor, it seemed like every other day soeone was wanting me to go check thier horse, or go with them to view a new horse they were thinking of buying. I guess i didn't mind too much, as it was all about horses, but it didn't leave me much time for my studying, or even my own leisure time.

Life carries on as normal, and I get carried along with it. Each day becoming another test. To pass the test, you have to get to the end of the day. I've been doing pretty well at it just lately. Okay, I've had some days when it was a struggle, but if I am honest, I didn't have to work THAT much harder to make it. Each day, I can congratulate myself on another test passed. Hey, I'm a winner! I dont think I will ever WIN the race, but I am taking part, and I am, at least, completing the course.

I wish I could get to grips with Photoshop. Clive needs some decals for his models, the ones he is keeping, and I just cant work out how best to use Photoshop. I used to have a programme that was nice and easy for me to use. But that was on the Amiga, and it wont work on here. The work on the decals is fiddly and because they are so small (30mm x 3mm) it is to easy to make a mistake and not see it. I tried zooming in on the image, but when I reduced it again, and tried to save it, It saved at the bigger size. I am a Photoshop virgin. This is the first time I have used it. If I cant work out how to do stuff, I wont be using it again. Which is a shame, as it is far more use then the programme I am using now. IPhoto 4. These are what I am trying to do. The Dawson one is about the right size. I set the measurments for them all at the same size, but you see my problem? The Staniers and Wells ones are both WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too big!!




My back has been hurting again. Woke up this morning and felt like my back had been stomped by a brahma bull! I had to get Clive to rub some heat treatment into it. The massaging felt good.
But I really do need to get a new mattress. If only they weren't almost as expensive as buying a complete new bed!!

Got a great shot of Inka. Dont know what she was screwing her face up at, but she looked so comical I just HAD to get a shot.


posted by tazfan at 11:36 am comment(s) made: 4

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Monday, March 27, 2006

Not much sleep last night. The race ran a lot longer then I expected it to. I was disappointed how Tony dropped back through the field after having a great car through most of the race. Of course, I missed hearing about all the stuff that happened afterwards. I was chatting to a friend in Canada during, and after the race. Kind of hard to concentrate on three windows, at the same time, in the middle of the night! Finally got to go to bed at 3.45am but didn't get to sleep until around 5am. Then I had to get up again with the dogs at 6.45am. I feel exhausted.

A programme on the TV today has bought some bad memories back. Its about a teenage girl who was murdered a few years ago She was attacked after her boyfriend left her at her gate after a night out. Her boyfriend looked in his rear view mirror as he drove off, and saw her going through the gate. She was attacked and murdered between her own front gate and her front door. I remember a similar incident when I was young. I had been dropped off by my friends and was walking down the drive to the riding school I taught at. A man came out of the stables and grabbed me. If it hadn't been for George, the watch goose (yes, that IS correct, he was a goose) I don't know what he would have done. But George hated strangers, and he kept pecking at him. Don't know if you have ever been pecked by a goose, but it hurts! Anyway, while George was pecking him, I pulled free and ran into the porch and locked the door. How easy would it have been for me to be hurt, or even killed. After a life of physical , sexual, and mental abuse that attack left me deeply disturbed for some time. Even now, I wont walk alone at night unless I have to. I will even ask my son to come and meet me from wherever I am, and get him to walk me home. If I have to go out, to the local shop, or the post box, I take at least one of the dogs.

The abuse I suffered as a child certainly made me into a different person. For a long time I thought the only way anyone male would like me would be if I offered myself on a plate. I still hate myself. I still believe, a little bit, that it must have been my fault that my step-father abused me. No matter how many people tell me it wasn't. That is the sort of damage that people suffer. Damage that cant be seen. I have such low self image that I cant believe people could possibly like me. They must keep me around for some other reason. Most people cant even begin to imagine how it feels to be so disgusted with yourself. How you can loathe yourself and wish, so much, that you weren't here to poison the earth. I am fat. I am ugly, I am stupid. But before you all start yelling anything, I have one thing that I never really thought I would have. I have people who care about me. Who dont care how I look, what I weigh, or anything like that. They like me for being me. And they are the people that help keep me sane.I may never have met some of them, I may NEVER meet some of them, but I know they care. And I care about them. Deeply. I just wish I had found these people before I wrecked my life. Thats something I have to live with. But I'll survive. With help, I will survive.

posted by tazfan at 8:15 pm comment(s) made: 4

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Sunday, March 26, 2006

I really didn't think the donation button would work. But I am now only £5.00 (around $8.80) short of paying next months internet bill. I cant believe people can be so generous. I know one thing for certain. The minute I have any spare money, it is going on someones donation button!! What goes around, comes around.

Days like yesterday are far too rare. I had a good chat with two friends of mine last night. They made me see a few things that i guess I already knew, I just wouldn't believe tham. Thanks Laz and Phil. Hope you come by my blog again. The day turned out to be a fairly positive one. I had some fun along the way. I wish every day could end like that. The only thing that ended up wrong, was that I couldn't join my other friends in a chat. It started way too late for me. I was trying to stay up for it, but I was just so tired that I couldn't make it. I had to get some sleep while I actually felt tired.

I wish it was easier to learn things. I struggle to remember things I have been told. I used to have a really good memory. People would tell me phone numbers, addresses, birthdays etc and Icould ALWAYS remember them. But since I had a really bad car accident in 1998, I struggle to remember most things. I want to learn, but I just cant keep the stuff in my head.

Oh well. Good thing I have good friends, who remind me.

posted by tazfan at 10:59 am comment(s) made: 4

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Saturday, March 25, 2006

I slept right through last night. Didn't even wake up once. It felt wonderful. And not only that, but I didn't dream either, or at least, I cant recall any dreams. My dreams are usually incredibly vivid, and I can remember them all. I wake up with the same feelings I had in my dream. Well, this morning, NOTHING!! No fear, no unhappiness, no loneliness, no pain. It feels so good. And I don't feel anywhere NEAR as tired as I have been. I have no idea why. I don't really care. I'm just glad that I finally got to get some proper sleep.

The dogs all seem a little better this morning. They all kept their breakfast down. And they are all very playful today. I love watching dogs play. They just act crazy until they are so tired they just fall down. Wish I could be like that. But I cant. So I'll just watch my dogs play instead. At the moment Ben is running round the yard with a HUGE bone in his mouth, Shunya is chasing him to try to get the bone. Its height and weight and brains against youth, and speed, and agility. I know who will win. Ben will let Shunya catch him and take the bone. He is SUCH a big softie. But I love him to bits. I love them all. They help me keep my sanity. I have to be strong because they would have no one if I wasn't here.

I have been having a great time surfing blogs with BlogMad. I have found some awesome blogs and will be back to view them again. Its a fantastic way to find new blogs to read.


Here's a pic that I took a couple of weeks ago. I love the look on my grandaughters face, and the one on the face of Shunya :) Thats Mishka in the crate. She was in season, so she couldn't play in case Ben got her.

posted by tazfan at 9:44 am comment(s) made: 3

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Friday, March 24, 2006

I am really tired today. Not sure why. I did sleep last night, which is unusual. Clive only had to get up once because of his legs (he has restless legs) but it woke me up. And I woke another two times, but went straight back to sleep.
Three of the five dogs are not quite right today. They have been sick, but are still eating and drinking and playing okay. I am not too worried. I think it might be the meat they had. I usually give them tinned dog food along with a complete dry food they like. But the company that made the food had a huge fire at their tinning factory and I cant get the food, so they are on what we call chub. Its like a sausage of processed meat. I think they might be reacting to that. Its not their usual food. And its the only thing that links all three of them. And the other two dogs are fine.
Such a boring day. But I did make some waterslide decals for one of Clives model trucks. It had Matts car on. And another one I did had the Cat car on it. Cant remember who is driving that one this year. I suppose I ought to go and look, but I am just too tired to care right now.
I printed up the invitations for my great nieces christening today. Took ages to get the sizing right. I really should learn how to use Photoshop, or something like that, instead of relying on the very simple IPhoto 4 that I use. It would have been so much easier to resize it in Photoshop I'm sure.
I am enjoying a really nice mug of banoffee drinking chocolate. Its nice and thick and frothy and creamy, but its not got loads of calories in.
I dont know why, but I felt quite lonely today. No idea of why that should be, but its how I felt. Almost like I was the only person left in the world. Oh well. IT'll pass. No point dwelling on it really, is there?

Right. Off to bed for me. Just got to let the dogs out for the final time into the back yard. Then see if I can beat Shunya upstairs so that she doesn't get to lie on the bed!!

posted by tazfan at 10:48 pm comment(s) made: 2

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I see I have had a visit from a member of the free'n'Easy set. Hello. Anything interesting to report?

Thanks Babs, Branica works really well. I noticed quite a few interesting things on there.

Hello to all my new visitors. You probably wont find much to interest you here unless you are into Nascar, German Shepherds, friends, Tony Stewart, Garth Brooks, or suffer from depression. But I dont mind. I dont write this blog for anyone else. Just me and my friends. I do have a lot of friends.

posted by tazfan at 11:19 am comment(s) made: 2

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Chattymoon asked how my sons appointment went. It actually went quite well. I had best tell you the entire story. It might help you understand a little more. Allan went to Pakistan to visit a friend. When he was leaving the country he was arrested. They said he was smuggling drugs. He was kept in Islamabad prison for six months before he was taken to court. He was found not guilty. But they would not release him from prison. It was another six months before the authorities decided to tell the British consulate that Allan would be free to go. The hitch? They wanted £5000 for the cost of his keep. He was kept in a cell 6 feet square with two other inmates. They had one blanket between the three of them. There was no toilet facilities in the cell. Not even a bucket. And they were kept locked in the cell all the time they were not working. They had to cook their own meals, if any of them could afford anything to eat. They existed on rice and some stuff he told me about that I cant remember the name of. Allan wont tell anyone what else happened there. But I have my own theories which I will not reveal on here. Anyway. We sold almost everything we owned and got the £5000 together. Got it to the Foreign Office and they got it out to the British Consulate in Pakistan. Then the prison said they had 'lost' Allans passport, and they wanted another £2000 to get him another one that would allow him to leave the country.We couldn't get any more money. We had nothing left to sell. We couldn't get loans from banks or anywhere else. So we said we would not pay it. When they eventually realised they were not getting any more money they 'found' Allans passport. They kicked him out of the prison, with no money, nowhere to go. Its lucky that Allan could already speak a little of the Pakistani language before he went over there. He managed to find someone who would let him stay with them for three days, until the British consulate could fund a plane home. When he came home we wwere so shocked. His teeth were rotting, he was so thin that he looked like a walking skeleton. He weighed less then half of what he should weigh. He is six feet four inches and he weighed 5 stone ( 70 pounds ). He had nightmares on the rare occasions he could get to sleep. He was in a really bad state. He has suffered since he came back with all sorts of problems.

Right, thats you up to date. The doc had been trying to use anti-depressants to help stablilise his moods, but that hasn't been working. Another side effect of the PTSD (yes Linda, you are right, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is that Allan now has alopecia gravis. He has lost all his hair. There are little tufts growing back. but thats all. and its taken from August last year to just get a couple of bits of fluff on his head. The doc has decided that Allan needs more specialist care then he can give him, and has now referred him to a Psychoanalyst (sp) and also a hair specialist (dont as me to tell you what they are called. I know is a tri somethingorother). I hope Allan can get SOMETHING working for him. He wont talk about his experiences unless you really push him, and i dont want to do that. It hurts him too much. The doc HAS given Allan some very strong sleeping tablets, which he has been told to use ONLY when he has not slept for a few days. I cant say I really trust this doc, but that is just my opinion. As you know, if you have read my blog about my first husband, I dont trust ANY doc very much.

I feel like we ARE getting somewhere now. Things are being moved up a gear, in an attempt to find something that helps Allan. I just hope its not too long before they DO find something. I dont think it will do Allan much good to stay like this. Its already been 5 years since he came back from Pakistan, and he is no different, apart form having put on enough weight to NOT look like a Belsen inmate! Even now though, he only weighs 10 stone (140 pounds) which is not enough for him. He needs at least another 20 pounds I think.

posted by tazfan at 7:40 pm comment(s) made: 3

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The donation button works!! Thanks to a very special lady (you know who you are) I am now half way to next months internet fees!!AWESOME!! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

posted by tazfan at 6:56 pm comment(s) made: 0

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From the same blog as yesterday. A story that had meaning to me when I read it.

Horror gripped the heart of a World War-I soldier, as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle.

The soldier asked his Lieutenant if he could go out to bring his fallen comrade back.

"You can go," said the Lieutenant, "but I don't think it will be worth it. Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away."

The Lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway.

Miraculously, he managed to reach his friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their company's trench.

The officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend. " I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded."

"It was worth it, Sir," said the soldier. "What do you mean by worth it?" responded the Lieutenant. " Your friend is dead."

"Yes Sir," the soldier answered, "but it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say...."Jim...I knew you'd come."

Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really depends on how you look at it. Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in your life........

Author Unknown

posted by tazfan at 4:01 pm comment(s) made: 0

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Today is the day I do my shopping. We get our benefits paid every two weeks, on a Thursday. I do all the shopping then. I borrow my sisters car so I can get it all done in one go. I started early today. I had to go get gas and electric because we had all but run out of both. The gas went last night. So no heating at all. The electric was just about enough to check that the money had gone into the bank, and check my email. I hate being so restricted on what I can do. Anyway, I went and got the gas and electric, put them into the meter so Clive could be warm while I was out. Then I went shopping. I don't normally hit Tesco until around 10.30am, but this time I was there at 8.30am. It was WONDERFUL!!! Quiet, hardly anyone around. Parking spaces wherever I wanted to park. I see why Babs likes to shop at night now! Call me a convert!! I had all my shopping done by 11.00am, which was good, because my son had an appointment at the doctors at 12.20pm, and he wont go unless I go with him. He has PTSD, and cant cope with seeing people on his own. He just clams up and wont tell them anything. Anyway, the doc decided that they would treat his anxiety first. They tried to treat the PTSD but were getting nowhere. The doc is referring him to a specialist for the PTSD now. He's decided that he is getting nowhere, so it must be far deeper seated then he thought. Allan, my son, also has alopecia. In August last year, his hair just all fell out. He hates how he looks, but there is nothing they can do. The only treatment he could have is very expensive, and Allan doesn't have the money for it. This is my son.



Hopefully, they will find something to help him. He may be a pain in the butt sometimes, but no one deserves to be as messed up as he is.

Work on restoring my computer to its original mess is still ongoing. I cant find half the programmes I had on it before the big crash. And I lost all my serial numbers too. So I have programmes I cant use any more. Ones that I used to use quite a bit. That has got me really annoyed. But, cant be helped.

Feeling a little better today. Don't know if its because I didn't have all my normal hassle while shopping. Maybe that's what it is. I don't know. But I am going to enjoy it while I can.

posted by tazfan at 3:38 pm comment(s) made: 2

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I am getting fed up with Blog Patrol. They said they would be back showing stats on Tuesday. It's now Thursday and no stats. How am I suposed to know how many people have visited my blog?

posted by tazfan at 7:48 am comment(s) made: 1

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

This is ridiculous. We are scared to put the heating on because there is not enough credit in the meter to last until tomorrow. We are sat here wrapped in blankets and duvets. Shivering, fingers so cold that I cant hit the right keys because my hand is shaking with the cold. I hate living like this. If you can call it living. It is barely even existing. I hate it. I REALLY hate it.

On a slightly happier side. The pain I was feeling in my ankle has subsided (or maybe I am just so cold I cant feel it anymore). I can at least walk again now, without hobbling.

posted by tazfan at 8:36 pm comment(s) made: 2

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I just found this on another blog. I dont know why, but it made me feel a little better. I have read it three or four times now, and each time I see some other message in there. This last time it was that maybe the person with the heavy load I am seeing, is really me!! See what you think. I'm sorry, I dont know who wrote it so I cant credit it to anyone. But I got it from THIS BLOG


Judge Gently

Pray, don't find fault with the man that limps
Or stumbles along the road.
Unless you have worn the shoes he wears
Or struggled beneath his load.

There may be tacks in his shoes that hurt
Though hidden away from view.
Or the burden he bears placed on your back
Might cause you to stumble too.

Don't sneer at the man who's down today
Unless you have felt the blow
That caused his fall or felt the shame
That only the fallen know.

You may be strong but still the blows
That was his if dealt to you
In the selfsame way, at the selfsame time
Might cause you to stagger too.

posted by tazfan at 1:51 pm comment(s) made: 2

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Seems like life is determined to get rid of me somehow. Clive has been haivng a lot of trouble with his legs. At night they hurt. Like someone is sticking nails in them. He just told me that he kept getting up during the night and taking paracetamol. I aksed him how many he took last night. He told me he wasn't sure. Somewhere between 10 and 12!!! Is he trying to kill me? He wont phone the doc and make an appointment. I am going to do it myself if I have to, and recruit my sister to help me get him there if I have to. He is such a pain right now.

I was told by a neighbour this morning, that I look awful. She says she has never seen me look so bad. Wow. now I feel REALLY good.................not!

My monitor gave up the ghost this morning. Luckily I had a spare one upstairs. Its huge, and its old, but I can use it. It doesn't leave me with any room on my desk. EEEEEEEEEEEEEK

posted by tazfan at 10:47 am comment(s) made: 3

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Things are getting worse and worse. The cash situation here is now beyond critical. Clive is selling his collection of diecast buses and trucks. He has been collecting for 40 yrs. Now, we need money so badly that we are selling off everything. I am going to follow Babs lead, and put a paypal donation button here on my blog. Hopefully I can get enough to help me stay online each month. It's either beg, or lose my computer. And if I lose that, then I have nowhere to go. Nowhere. I know everyone is struggling. But maybe some visitor to my blog will take pity on me and donate a dollar or two. Without my internet connection I am nothing. I will cease to exist. I will have no contact with the outside world. I cant carry on like this. I need to get us through the next 8 months then the pressure is eased. Our benefits go up almost enough to allow us to live instead of just exist.
So, if you have a spare dime or two, and would like to help me stay online, then please help.
I hate begging. I really, really do. I feel so low because of it. But I know that if I don't, then I am going to feel so much worse. Please forgive me. Please.

posted by tazfan at 9:36 am comment(s) made: 0

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Monday, March 20, 2006

While I was blog surfing I came across two stories that made me stop and think. the first on is this one.

It was a busy morning, approximately 8.30am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9am. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On examination, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redressed his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had an important appointment that morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognised him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is." I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose pimples on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life." True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. "The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the best of everything that comes along their way."

I want to experience love like that again. I know that Phil would have done that for me, as I would for him. But I am so jaded now that I dont know if love like that still exists.

The second story was this one.

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, stubborness, envy, jealousy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, forgiveness, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins Grandfather?"

The old Cherokee Indian simply replied, "The one you feed."

I believe native Americans have some wonderful views on life, living, and the whole world. I always wanted to be an Inidian when I was small. I even asked my Mother how I could become an Indian. She laughed at me.

posted by tazfan at 9:37 pm comment(s) made: 5

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Seems like the end. I know it isn't, but the way things are going, it feels like there is nothing past now. The next minute doesn't want to arrive, and I am left feeling worthless and useless. I see no reason to expect time to carry one. I dont even want it to. Each second just causes more hurt, more pain, more negative feelings. And those all add up to nothing. And that is what I am. Nothing. I have no right to exist, never mind actually live. I dont want to be this way. I want it all to stop. I want it all to go away. Everything. I know it wont go away. I dont even deserve THAT much. But its what i want. I should know better. I know I never get what I want. I dont even get what I need. I dont feel like I ever get anything. Why am I lying to myself, and others too. Why should I inflict myself on others? What have they ever done to deserve me. No one can have EVER been that bad. I dont want anything to keep me down, but it always does. I feel like I cant lift my head out of the water for more then just a gasp of air. enough to keep me alive, but not enough to take away the pain, the terror. I dont know where to go or what to do to make it better. I cant do it. I cant. I dont even want to any more. If only I had never been born. I wouldn't feel this way. I would never have had to go through the emotional and psychological torment. Life just isn't worth the fight any more. I dont know why I keep fighting to stay here. I am not enjoying life. I am not enjoying anything. I cant take it any more. I dont want to.
If I had a choice I would just give up. but something makes me fight. What is it? Why does it still want me here? Is it so life can torture me some more? is that all I am worth? I dont know if I will ever feel any different. Each time I think I have it just drags me back. Even further back then I was before. I dont know how to stop it.

posted by tazfan at 10:18 am comment(s) made: 4

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

Why does it always happen to us? I just dont understand. We try so hard to get ourselves sorted out. And just when we think we have finally got to the top of the hill, something comes along and kicks us waaaaaaaaaaaay back down. I am just so fed-up now. I just feel like giving up. But I know I cant. I just dont know what to do any more. If I had the choice, then maybe........... but I dont have ANY choice do I? Not one. So its just going to grind me into the ground. I cant deal with it any more. Why cant I just let go.

posted by tazfan at 9:41 pm comment(s) made: 4

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Friday, March 17, 2006

Sorry I haven't been around for a little while. I missed all of you terribly, but my computer died. I mean REALLY died. The motherboard blew, and it took one of my hard drives with it. I lost over 30GB of stuf, including emails, my address book, pics, all my favourites in my browser. You name it, if it was important to me, i lost it. You can imagine how I felt about THAT.

If we email at all, I have lost your email addy. So can you please email me? Remind me who you are ( I know that sounds stupid, but I have trouble remembering anything any more).

Anyway. I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

posted by tazfan at 12:34 pm comment(s) made: 5

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Saturday, March 11, 2006

I don't really know why, but I seem to lack the be-arsed to do anything. I think of things that need doing, but that's as far as I get. I don't seem to have any energy or enthusiasm for anything. Not even for being on the computer that much. Normally I spend every spare minute on the computer. Even if it is just sitting playing card games or something. But today I don't even want to do that.

John, Janet and the kids came up from Stoke for a flying visit. That normally cheers me up, but not even that is working today. I need someone to kick me in the butt and yell at me to get me doing something. Anything. There is so much I could be doing, but I just cant be bothered. I am so fed up.

I have been craving chocolate all day. There is no chocolate in the house, and I cant afford to go and get any. Why the sudden craving? I mean, I love chocolate, but this is more then just wanting some. I NEED it!

I haven't been training Shunya today either.

I feel lousy. When is it all going to end. I need to get back on my feet.

posted by tazfan at 5:40 pm comment(s) made: 4

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Thursday, March 09, 2006

Reading back through some of the comments that have been left on here, I have to clear something up. Clive is not a bad husband. I know that he gets really , REALLY scared by his medical problems. He also suffers from depression, and that scares him a lot. He thinks he is going to end up like me. I am not making excuses for him. I just dont want you to think that he's picking on me or anything. I would far rather he did what he has been doing, then he bottle it all up, and it comes out in a way that someone gets physically hurt.

Thanks for caring.

posted by tazfan at 10:26 pm comment(s) made: 2

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Okay. Here we go again. I am going to keep adding to this list until I have 100 good things I can say about myself.

1. I am a loyal friend.

2. I breed wonderful German Shepherds

3. My husband loves me as much as I love him.

4. I will always try to help people I care about in any way I can.

5. Babs says I have a wonderful sense of humour!

6. I have raised some wonderful kids.

7. I would give all that I have to help a friend in need.

8.

9.

10

posted by tazfan at 4:09 pm comment(s) made: 1

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I am now at the heaviest weight I have ever been. All that hard work I did, losing the weight before the med change has been wasted. I now weigh 250 pounds. I feel ugly. I feel SO ugly. I dont even want to set foot outside the door. Today is the day I do my grocery shopping. All teh time I was shopping I kept feeling like everyone was looking at me. Laughing at me. Calling me fat and lazy and stupid. Why do people always assume that, if you are fat, you MUST be stupid? I am NOT stupid. Okay, I am no genius, but I am NOT stupid. Now the problems come. I know whats going to happen. And no matter what I do to try to prevent it, it will still happen. I will get so down that I just eat and eat and eat. Hopefully i will be able to try and just eat things that wont put much weight on me. Fruit and veg. I love eating raw carrot, as long as they are sweet. I have deliberately bought more fruit and veg, and less of the food that I normally eat. No, not fattening food, but food that POTENTIALLY be a fattening food. And I am going to try to go out more. Walk the dogs maybe three times a day instead of twice. And as I have five dogs, who go out in pairs, then that makes six walks instead of three. So I will be doubling my exercise. I have to do something. I cant keep letting myself get so down all the time. I need to feel good about myself. I have to.Or I can see this being a real end of the road situation possibility.

posted by tazfan at 3:55 pm comment(s) made: 1

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Monday, March 06, 2006

Rotten day today. Woke feeling awful. My head hurt, my back hurt, my neck hurt. My throat felt like someon was sandpapering the inside of it. And my nose felt so blocked that I couldn't breathe. Tried to get myself sorted out, but just didn't hav ethe energy, or anything else.

Took some cute pics of Shunya today. I love taking pics. And with the digital camera I can take as many as I want. Anyway, here's a couple, or maybe three pics of Shunya.


Now tell me that this one isn't funny. She was watching a bird that was sitting outside the house.






Look. both ears are up now. But look at the size of them!!!





Why do all the dogs think my treadmill is the best place for them to lie? Think they might be trying to drop a hint?





Here's one of Shunya with Inka.

posted by tazfan at 9:56 pm comment(s) made: 5

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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Had a huge row with Clive last night. Clive has oesophagitis, where the valve that lets food through into the stomach is severely damaged. It swells, tries to repair itself, but in doing so it actually starts sealing itself shut. To give you an idea of the problems that causes, the year before we moved here, Clive had been eating his dinner when he got a terrific pain from his stomach, he felt like he was choking as well. You know the feeling when you get a piece of food stuck in your gullet? Well, he couldn't swallow anything. Everything he tried just came straight back up. Even sips of water. So I got him to the hospital. He was operated on and they found the problem. A single petit poir,, yes, those tiny little peas, had got stuck in the valve. That's all the gap he has left. They had to remove the pea after they knocked him out. Anyway, to get back to the story, He hasn't had any gastric episodes since we moved here in 2002. Last night he had one for the first time since then. And it was a bad one. Not enough to hospitalise him, but enough to scare him. Then he started blaming me, saying the stress of doing the decorating must have made it happen. So I reminded him that we made the decision to decorate TOGETHER. And that HE was the one who actually started wanting it done. So he launched at me, all guns blazing. Clive is never physical in his arguments, but he can be emotionally cruel. Knowing how much I hated the fact that the last med I was on made me put on 30 pounds, he started by saying how did I think he felt watching me eat like a horse and making myself fat while he cant eat much at all! He KNOWS it was the drugs. He actually eats more then I do. He grazes all day.
But he made me feel really bad. I know it was just because he was so scared that his oesophagitis was going to start being a real problem again, but its not my fault.

I didn't sleep much last night at all. The argument didn't help, but neither did the fact that I have horrendous backache for some reason. I am really down today. Going to be that way all day I think.

posted by tazfan at 8:28 am comment(s) made: 3

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Saturday, March 04, 2006

Chattymoon left a comment on my blog, and I thought it best to answer her here.

Already done the bankruptcy thing, which is why we cant get credit at all. And as neither of us is physically able to work, we are on welfare (well, the equivalent here) Which does not really give us enough to live on. For example, we get £91 per week. We have to top up our rent. Thats £35 gone right away. Gas and electric are £12.50 a week each, so thats another £25 gone So you can see, we dont get much left. So I end up borrowing from family. But I have to pay that back. If it wasn't for the dogs we wouldn't survive. By breeding one litter a year, I make just enough to keep the dogs for a year, and a bit extra to pay back all my family what I had to borrow. If I have a really good year, then I make enough to let us actually live for a while instead of just survive. Okay, I just KNOW someone is going to say "Well, get rid of the luxuries like the phone and the internet". I cant. Clive is not too good, and we need to have contact with our families and friends. My Mother is not at all well, and I need her to be able to contact me. As for the internet, well, if I didn't have this, my deopression would be 10, no more like 30 times worse. Think I am exagerating? Last time my internet was cut off for 10 days my son found me by the motorway (like an interstate highway) on a bridge just getting ready to jump off. If I have no contact with the outside world, meaning not my family or the few friends I have, then I just cant cope. I need the outside influence to keep me stable.

Chatty asked what happens with the dogs if we leve them on their own. Well, Kita and Mishka would kill each other. You have to remember that all my dogs, except Shunya, were taken from abusive or negligent owners. They were given to me because it was known that I was capable of managing them. It was me or euthanasia. I would not let that happen. None of these dogs is naturally aggressive, but they have been made that way by people. Mishka and Kita both regard themselves as beta female. and as such will fight for their position. The fact that they dont fight when I am at home is just because I am Alpha female in this pack, and they know it.
Ben is such a big sweetie, but he was left for hours, and on one occasion TWO DAYS, on his own by his previous owner. Now he panics if he doesn't know if we are in the house. He is a big strong boy, and is perfectly capable of breaking trhough every door in the house to get to us if he wants to. We had to replace three doors once he settled here. I will NOT put that kind of stress on my dogs. They have had more then enough to deal with in their lives, before they came to me. I will do everything in my power to ensure they live as normal a life as possible now.

Thanks for the tip on the glasses. I will try to find some of those pads. I have to do something.

Hopefully , that has answered all of Chattys questions. Thanks for caring enough toask them. I value my friends, no matter if they are real or cyber, a friend is a friend.

posted by tazfan at 11:13 pm comment(s) made: 2

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Another night of really disturbed sleep. I wish I could just sleep right through the night. I would love to be able to get up one morning, and actually feel rested and energize. Maybe I should stick a couple of brand new Duracell batteries up my arse and see how I feel then?

Finished the decorating. Think I already told you. But Clive decided that the fireplace wasn't looking right, so he started working on it. The colour he chose isn't quite right to my way of thinking, but he let me have my choice for the rest of the room, I'll let him have his for the fireplace.
The finished article. Pic doesn't show the silver up very well. And the colour of the panels looks pink, but it's actually a terracotta variety. Then Clive picked out the reliefs with silver. Looks really pretty, but just not 100% certain it goes with the rest of the room. But, Clive likes it, and I can learn to live with it. Now we just need a New electric fire too replace the crappy old one we borrowed to replace the one that was there originally that broke.


Why am I boring you all with my decorating story? Are you as desperate for some kind of action in your life as I am? This is the most interesting thing I have done for ages, and yet it is so terrifically boring and dull. I am beginning to wonder if it is really worth carrying on. Nothing changes. I am still married to a man who loves me, and I love him, but I find him boring me more and more. I don't love him any less, but I sometimes feel like he is the one holding us back. I don't suppose it is him. It's more likely to be me. But Clive is so unadventurous. He wants everything to just be the same. He suffers with depression too. A lot milder then mine. In fact, if I was as depressed as him I probably wouldn't even know it.
With no spare cash, and a future that is so debt-ridden that I cant see a way out at the moment, we are so limited in what we can do. We cant go out together unless I get someone in to dogsit. Two of my dogs suffer from separation anxiety, caused by previous owners. That is part of the reason that I ended up with them. I see no reason to put them through any more trauma, so we get someone to dogsit. Usually my son. Although, now he is working again he doesn't have a great deal of free time.

My nose hurts. I have to wear glasses when I am on the computer, or reading. Only started to have to have them last year. My sight has always been perfect up til then. But now the glasses hurt my nose. They don't pinch or anything, just where the nose bits rest on my nose, it gets sore. It hurts, and they give me a headache then. But the amount of time I spend at my computer, I HAVE to wear them, or my eyesight would be really bad in a few years. I don't want to have to wear glasses permanently. I don't like wearing them.

We have snow here. Its unusual for snow to stick here, because I live very near the coast. The beach is only about 1/2 to 3/4 mile away from my house. So the salt in the air usually stops snow. But it is about an inch and a half thick. The dogs had great fun playing in it this morning. Of course, now they are all wet and smelly. Oh well. They enjoyed themselves. And why shouldn't they. They don't have to suffer just because I do.

Trying to buck myself up a bit by listening to my old Garth Brooks CDs. I am incredibly annoyed that His new box set is only available form Walmart, and so I cant get it over here. I love Garth just as much as I love Tony. I am fiercely loyal to both of them.

Oh well. Better go give the dogs their breakfast. I have five expectant faces looking at me.

posted by tazfan at 8:27 am comment(s) made: 4

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Thursday, March 02, 2006

To answer the "Gnat" :)

I really dont know if it was mental or physical. I just know that I couldn't find the energy to move. When I did move I was physically sick. It wasn't a migraine. I've suffered with those since i was a kid. Whenever I moved my head it felt like someone was sawing through my neck with a blunt cheese wire.
I feel just about okay. Still feel weak though. No reason why I should. But I managed to eat today. which is good.

My porn sites are all passworded :)

p.s. whats porn? :)

posted by tazfan at 10:01 pm comment(s) made: 3

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Sorry for not updating. Sorry for worrying some of you. But I have not ben good at all. Been in my bed for two days, unable to even lift my head without someone helping. I'm feeling okay now. Just about. My son has been using my computer, on and off. Think he's been going through my bokmarks to see where I go. Stealth son.

We finished decorating the living room, but I still haven't put my photographs back up. I just dont have the energy.

New picture of Shunya. It makes me smile.

posted by tazfan at 9:16 pm comment(s) made: 1

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