Saturday, April 01, 2006
Today felt strange. Not for any specific reason. Just strange. I feel sad, and yet there is nothing for me to be sad about. I am loved, by a special man, and by my children, and by my friends, and by my dogs. I am needed, and wanted. But I feel so sad. I don't know how best to explain it, other then the intense sadness you feel when something you love is lost. Do I feel anything different? Maybe. I almost feel like I can feel a lessening of my love for the people who matter most to me. But I don't know if that is it. I know I would still give my life to save that of any of those I love.
I sat today, and thought. Of the past, and the future, and of how, or why, or even IF I could change anything. I don't think I would. I thought about being able to change Philips death, but then I wouldn't be married to Clive. Each thing I thought about, I thought what, and who, would change if I changed them or it. I know that my future is in my hands. And I know that I have many choices to make. The choices I make affect not only me, but everyone I touch. Be it physically, mentally, or any other way. Each action on my part can change the life of thousands. Maybe some that are alive now, and those that are to come after. My descendants
Life is more then just today. It stretches infinitesimally both forward and back in time. My life is due to my Mother and Father. Theirs, to their parents, and their parents, and their parents. My life was saved by doctors, who had parents, and grandparents of their own. My children have their children. And so on it goes. And on, and on. Stretching throughout time. Maybe , in a hundred years, if our planet still survives, my descendants will ask about me. What legacy have I left for them? I don't mean material legacy. I mean the legacy of my being. Have I been the best I could be? Have I struggled my hardest to forge forward? Or have I been guilty of simply trying to be? Maybe that IS my best. Maybe that is what I am here for. To provide no more then a bridge between generations. And if that is my purpose in life then I have fulfilled it. I was a life created, and I , in my turn, have created life of my own. Now my children go on, to complete their part in the whole circle of life. They were born, they create children, they die.
When I die, will anyone truly be sad? Will anyone truly miss me. Yes, they will. And no matter who you are, someone will be sad when you are gone. Someone will miss you. Our lives belong, not just to us, but to the entire human race. Because each of us touches others, who touch others, who touch others. There is no greater loss from this planet then death. Be it man, woman child, animal, insect. Each death is mourned in its own way.
Be aware. No one is truly alone. You just have to reach out. Someone will always take your hand if you reach far enough.
I dedicate this post to my friends, my family, my pets. To those who have given me a reason to live. And a reason FOR my life. My purpose is to love each and every one of you. If you return my love, then I am doing a good job. If you don't, then I am not trying hard enough. I am sorry. I will try harder.
posted by tazfan at 9:54 pm comment(s) made:
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