Life, highs and lows of an English Tony Stewart fan.

How long?

2007-09-24T22:28:00.000+01:00

Okay. So, I came back here after a break, and now guess what? My computer is dying. I have no sound. My USB ports are not working. My DVD re-writer isn't working. All themes and stuff have reverted to Windows classic. My device manager says I have nothing in my computer. So, I dont know how long I will be online this time. I am trying to baby it while I am trying to fix it. but I think its terminal. I dont know what I am going to do without my computer. I rely on it so much.Oh well. I guess I dont really have any choice. I cant afford a new one, or even a 2nd hand one. So, If I go missing, I'll see you whenever I can get on a library computer.

Be good. Cheer on Tony for me. See ya!

Whats been happening in my life recently?

2007-09-16T13:05:00.000+01:00

My daughter got married just short of two years ago. A couple of months ago, her husband, Danny, walked out on her and the kids. Left her for a woman twice his age. Kristi was devastated. But with a lot of love, help, and a HUGE amount of hard work on her part, Kristi is dealing with it. She has already filed for divorce. She will not let Danny make a fool of her. I am SO proud of her.

I have had the two youngest grandkids a couple of times, to give her a break. They are a joy. I love them to bits. Here are a few photos I took of them when they stayed with me.

So cute, and so smart. But then, maybe I am just a TINY bit biased :)

Clive has been having a lot of trouble sleeping again.We have tried so many things, but he just keeps either waking six or seven times a night, or just not being able to fall asleep in the first place. Of course, every time he wakes up, it disturbs me. So we are both so tired

The dogs are all doing just fine. Shunya has grown so much. She is developing a super character, but very, very mischievous. She is wary of strangers, but once she has been introduced to them she loves them to bits. She is very much a people dog. As can be seen in this photo.

Right. Off to watch the European Eventing Championship on tv. I want to see if us Brits can win our 7th consecutive team title. We also have a very, VERY good chance of getting the gold and bronze individuals too.

Take care.

See ya!!!!!!!!

The week progresses.

2007-09-12T20:48:00.000+01:00

I am so tired. I really SHOULD have been born American. Why do I love so many American things, but have to suffer in order to enjoy them? I love NASCAR, but I have to stay up late, or even not go to bed at all, to enjoy the races. I don't even get to see them!! Garth Brooks. I love that guys music like nothing else I have ever loved! Its like he's singing about me, to me, for me. But there is one boxed set I cant get my hands on. The Walmart one. I love cowboys. Okay, not ALL of them, but their creed, their life.

Tomorrow I get to show Jackie the house I think she should rent. Its nice. If it wasn't for the fact we have this house, and that one is too much for us to afford to rent, I would have taken it myself.
It will be fine for the dogs. Just had a call from Jackie. One of her cats died today. She is so broken up about it all. She needs to get out of that hell hole she is in now, and get her butt up here to Blackpool.

I REALLY hope Clive sleeps tonight. I need sleep, and I wont get any if he is constantly getting up throughout the night.

I'm back......................or am I?

2007-09-11T14:34:00.000+01:00

Life has been one long roller coaster ride over the last year. Things, good and bad, have all conspired to make life as difficult as possible. Yet here I am. I came out the other side. In one piece. And still sane. That's the amazing part of it.

My daughter, who thought she had achieved her dream of being happily married, with children, has had her dream smashed to pieces. Her husband of less then 2 years has walked out on her and the children. Kristi is filing for divorce. She tough, like her Mom. Yes okay, I know I can sound weak and pretty useless at times, but I AM still here. My life is still in one piece. I'm tougher then even I knew I was!

The dogs are all doing fine. Kita is now retired from breeding, and I have decided to retire Mishka and Inka too. My breeding programme is now lying on Shunya. She is turning into a wonderful, very pretty dog. She has a terrific sense of humour, and she is SO different from how she looked when we first got her. Everyone loves her as soon as they see her.She is far more self confident, and in fact has turned into quite a little madam when she wants to! She has grown well too. Topping Kita by at least 2 inches and Inka by 1 inch, and she is only half grown yet. Ben, of course still has many years of siring pups. The girls retire at age 8 or when they have had 6 litters. Whichever is first. Or, like Mishka and Inka, when they show no interest in breeding, or there are medical reasons not to breed.

One of the other things that has made life hard to deal with lately, is the problems that my friend, Jackie, has had to deal with. The loss of most of her dogs, and the lack of housing for her and her husband has left her feeling terribly down and depressed. But we are hoping to remedy that as soon as we can. Many of us are looking for suitable places to rent for her. I think I MIGHT have found one. Going to see it in an hour. Just hope its suitable.

Tony is doing well in Cup again. In the chase. Good chance of being champion again. Suits me just fine.

Fantastic!! Busch cars, and dog websites

2007-05-11T11:53:00.000+01:00

Some of you know that I am a member of Fan 1st, which sponsors Dave Blaneys car in the Busch races. Sometimes as associate sponsor, sometimes as primary sponsor. Part of the membership of Fan 1st involves the car carrying the names of the members of Fan 1st. I finally found a picture that shows my name on the car. Unfortunately, it was one of the times when the names wereon the deck lid, not the hood. But, my name is there, for all to see!! Seven rows up, about 1/4 of the way across the lid!

Next race where it will be on the hood should be Darlington. Not 100% sure yet though.

I said in my post last night that I had been working on the website for the dogs. I forgot to put in the link for anyone to look if they wanted. So here it is http://klaufigermanshepherds.page.tl/
Have a look, leave a message in the guest book. Enjoy.

I've been gone a long time

2007-05-10T20:24:00.000+01:00

So much has been happening to me, but none of it is interesting. Well, some stuff has happened to friends, and that is interesting, but sad.

Clive approaches his 60th birthday with trepidation. He says he doesn't want to be old, but I tell him he's just as old as he feels, so he's about 6.

I have finally managed to build another website for my dogs. I dont mean for them to use!! I mean a site about them!

I just dont know what I want right now.

How life changes

2007-01-06T23:29:00.000Z

There seems to be a feeling in the air just lately. I don't know what it is, but everyone seems to be affected by it. No one seems to be as happy as they could be, or should be. Oddly enough, even though I don't feel great, I do feel okay. Maybe the fact i am usually depressed makes it different for me. I don't know.

I cant wait for the new race season to start. I miss it waaaaaaaaaaaay more then I thought I would. I guess I got it bad! ROFL!!

I am kind of desperate right now. I dont know which I need more, sleep or information. I am trying to sort a few things out for members of my family, but I am just SO tired! Not physically, but mentally. I think I need a new brain. Anyone know where i can purchase a new brain. Or even a used one, as long as it doesn't have too much info in it :)

My grandson Ty. Hard to remember he is only six months old.

2007

2007-01-01T22:16:00.000Z

Well. Here we go. A new year. Another chapter in my life begins. But it started on a bad note. Clive and I had a huge argument last night. I really cant remember what about. I dont really think it was anything. We just both had had enough, and started arguing. We were okay this morning, but we really need to talk, or I dont think we will be together this time next year. Dont get me wrong. I love him, and I now he loves me. But we just have so much going wrong right now. My son moved back in with us after he split from his girlfriend, which means Clive and i dont have the house to ourselves any more. Another problem is still the lack of money. Some people owe us money, and we cant pay off our debts until we get paid the money we are owed. Its just holding us back.

Happy New Year

2006-12-31T18:18:00.000Z

Wishing all my friends the most Happy New Year that is possible.

Also, its a special day for a special friend.

To Babs!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETIE!!!!!!

2006-12-27T15:49:00.000Z

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water
and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for
their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is
this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along
the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared
under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are
you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and
would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why
I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good
and honorable reason, and always in the best interest of others.

2006-12-26T23:00:00.000Z

I try. I really do. Every day I try to figure out why I am so self destructive. I should be happy with what I have. I have a good husband, who loves me. I have my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I have my dogs, my friends, both "real life" friends and my cyber-friends. I have my sisters and brothers. I have a roof over my head. I have enough to eat. I have my computer, my connexion to the outside world. So why do I feel like I have no reason to be here? I never have anything good to say about myself. I dont believe I am any use for anything. I dont believe I can do anything well. I always put myself down.

I guess life is just meant to be as it is.

Maybe next year will be different.

OMG!!! OMG!!

2006-12-18T09:27:00.000Z

I never thought I was EVER going to be THIS involved in racing!! in the 2007 season my name will appear on TWO, yes TWO Busch cars!! I have been awarded a Diamond membership on Fan1st

It is SO awesome!! Dave Blaney and Jason Leffler will driver the cars. Mine isn't the only name, there are many, many names, but MY name WILL be there. I get to vote on stuff concerning the teams, If I was staeside I would receive invites to team events. There is so much. You can be a member too. There are four different packages. Visit Fan1st for details. But if anyone goes to a Busch race, and can get close to the cars. then please take a photo and let me see!!

Christmas is coming.

2006-12-04T19:48:00.000Z

Christmas is on its way, and I got a picture today showing me how impatient my babay grandson Ty is.

Apparently he loves those antlers, and wont let anyone take them away from him!!

today

2006-11-29T23:03:00.000Z

Dogs are a wonderful animal you know. When you are happy, they want to play with you. When you are lonely, they want to be your friend. When you are sad, they sit with you, and just want to make you happy again. They are also all so incredibly individual. All five of mine are so different.

Ben is a big old softy. He wont stand up to anyone, unless one of his pack is being threatened, then he turns into a raging maniac, and will do whatever is needed to protect us. He plays gently with children and older people. He plays kindly with puppies. He plays rougher with older dogs, and those people who he knows will be able to withstand rougher play.

Kita is a mamas girl, but a big tough one. She will happily protect me from everyone. Yet she is a clown too, as you can see in that pic of her up ^ there. She was pulling faces because I wouldn't give her a cookie. Kita loves cookies. She knows she isn't allowed to have many. But it wont stop her asking. Kita was starved and beaten as a pup, so she only reached half her expected height, but SHE doesn't know that. She thinks she is full size and will take on ANYTHING or any one!! And yet she is such an angel with puppies. She is a true natural Mom. her pups have always been really good. They have all survived, and all grown into wonderful dogs.

Mishka was an accident. She was never supposed to be. But she is, and she is here. She is the most loving dog you could ever wish for. She likes nothing better then pleasing everyone, and will tie herself in knots trying to do just that. You don't have to bribe her,or coax her. If she knows what you want she will do it. just to see you smile, and hopefully for a pet. She is so gentle. She loves children, and many of my grandchildren, nieces and nephews have learned to walk by holding on to Mishka, who will take tiny little baby steps, and will stop if she thinks the child is unbalanced. She is so gentle that a baby could give her a treat and she would not leave so much as a drop of drool on the baby. Mishka is a darling.

Inka is as dumb as she is beautiful. But she is stubborn and willful. She knows she is beautiful. She does not like anyone getting something she isn't getting. no matter if its a pet, or a treat, or a telling off. Inka always has to be first in line for everything. She is smart if she needs to be, but she can be SO stupid. This is the dog who tried to jump a 1 foot high fence, decided half way over that she DIDN'T want to jump it, and got stuck with her front legs on one side of the fence and her back legs the other side. She could have WALKED off the fence, but she couldn't figure it out. So she stood there and yelled until someone went and lifted her off the fence.

Shunya is my baby. She is smart as anything. She learns really quickly. Unfortunately that means she leanrs bad things as quickly as she learns good things. She has learned how to ignore you, and she has learned how to play cute to avoid getting told off. She is going to be huge. The pic above was taken when she was six months old. She is now a year old, and bigger then Inka and Kita. She hold the future for me, as she is to replace Kita as my brood bitch. A lot rides on her young shoulders, but I know she wont let me down.

So there you go. Five dogs, five different personalities.

I really need to do better

2006-11-28T20:20:00.000Z

I just don't seem to have the get up and go to do anything, so I am just going to focus on the dogs for a while. They are always doing something to either entertain me or annoy me. So, lets start with a few pics.

First one up is Shunya. I cant believe how much she is growing! She is just a year old, and is already taller then both Kita and Inka. She is about the same size as Mishka, and about three inches shorter then Ben. She is going to be HUGE!!

She is such a beauty. I wish I had bred her myself, but if I had, then I couldn't breed from her!

Shunya and Inka at the top of the stairs. The difference in colouring is quite marked in this pic. Shunya is so much lighter then Inka. Although the black saddle on her back will deepen in richness and depth. I hope her face doesn't change too much. I love the way her head is marked right now.

Okay, another dog. Which one. Ben of course!! He has developed into such a stunning lad. Big and bold. I can hardly remember the 7 month old wimpy coward we bought home. Now he is just gorgeous. Yet he is such a sweet boy. I have some friends who have a disabled son. Julian cant talk very well, has trouble with a lot of things, but he loves Ben to bits. If WE play with Ben he uses all his strength. But when Julian plays with him, he is so gentle. He still tugs his toys around, but only as hard as Julian can stand it. He has never pulled Julian over, or knocked him over. There seems to be some unspoken code between them. I am so proud of my big red boy.

These last two pics are of two of Kita's first litter of pups. They were 5 weeks old when the photos were taken. I still see one of them fairly regularly. And get emails, photos and letters from some of the others. They are all fit and well. Happy and loved.

Okay. thats enough for now. More dogs tomorrow :)

Awwwwwww

2006-11-11T17:10:00.000Z

No matter how many times it happens, the generosity and friendship I have experienced from Americans never ceases to amaze me. Many seem to have sort of adopted me as cyber friend, many really have become friends, even though it is possible we may never meet. One has cyber adopted me as a long lost family member :) I get some wonderful emails from people, and have a laugh and some fun with others.

I cant tell you what has prompted this little post. I promised I wouldn't, and i am not about to break a promise. But let me tell you this. What someone has done for me is just beyond belief. It has to do with NASCAR. No, I am not coming over there. But yes, I AM going to be more involved with the racing then I ever thought possible.

Thank you M.

well?

2006-11-10T11:25:00.000Z

What a week this has been. Yes, I KNOW it's not over yet. But it's been a long, tough one. Allan moving back in, usual struggle to pay bills etc, Sisters car off the road so my entire schedule had to be re-worked. The toilet deciding not to flush, and the plumber not being able to fix it. Discovering damp mould in my bedroom. All in all, not a good week. But hey, dont get too downhearted. It's qualifying day!!! The weekend is here. RACING!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO.. I LOVE racing. And with Tony flying the way he is, I wont be at all surprised to see another fence climb or two!!

Man, you guys have it good over there. You dont even have to read magazines or watch tv to get a fix of your fave driver. A friend sent me this. You get Tony on PORK AND BEANS??? I would happily eat a whole ton of these, then use the labels to paper a wall in a room so I could have multiple Tonys! how bad do I got it?? :)

My throat has been good since the op. The relief of knowing I will NOT get tonsillitis again is beyond explanation. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Silly really. I know there are loads of things that can make me ill enough to have to stay in bed. But after a lifetime of suffering with my tonsils, it just feels so good to know I got the better of them!

I am really cold. We pay for our gas on a pre-pay meter. And I had put enough in the gas meter to last us until next payday. But Allan being here has used a lot more gas then usual. So there is none left. And we dont get paid until next Thursday!! I'm going to freeze!!

Oh well. enough for now.

one day

2006-11-08T12:22:00.000Z

I am really not too happy today. It is just as I expected it to be once Allan moved back in. The amount of electricity used, and food eaten has increased dramatically. I just KNOW we wont have enough left to last us until we get our next payment. We pay for our electricity with a pre-pay card meter. Usually, in winter, it costs me about £10 a week (around $19.10 a week at the current exchange rate). We put in £20 on Thursday, our payday, We have less then £7($13.35) left to last us until NEXT Thursday. It wont last. And the freezer is over half empty too. I'll be glad when he gets his wages (once a month) and can pay for what he uses. I did tell him, when he asked if he could come back here for a couple of months, that he would have to pay for everything he uses. I just dont have a spare cent i can use to support him. And I shouldn't need to either. He will be 27 on Nov 13th. Yes, I know he's my son, and I will always be there for him. but he MUST learn to stand on his own two feet. What will he do when I'm gone?

There is a fantastic place I know for anyone who wants to be involved in NASCAR racing. Its
http://www.fan1st.com

Check it out. You can get your name on the car, get involved in decisions about the car, crew and driver. AWESOME!!

2006-11-07T15:36:00.000Z

Just seen this and it has me rolling on the floor. I dont understand a word of what he says, but who cares!!! It is just SO funny. The guy is amazing.

I needed a laugh. Today is not a good day. In fact, this month is not a good month. In 10 days it will be a year since i lost Tippi. In 6 days it would have been my 26th wedding anniversary if Phil hadn't died. I dont like November. Not at all. Not any more.

Babs, I think your spider came to visit me last night. It was sat in the middle of my computer monitor. I think it thought the cursor was a fly!.

OUCH

2006-11-07T00:46:00.000Z

Okay. I know, I know. It's taken too long for me to post. What with Tony dominating at Texas the way he did. but I DO have excuses ( Note, I'm not satisfied with ONE excuse, I have SOME excuses :) ). Since I had my op done, I have been having problems with my teeth. A couple of days ago one of my bottom teeth broke, and left a REALLY sharp edge and point on the onside edge. It has been lacerating my tongue. Well, I eventually had to get to the emergency dentist. I couldn't eat, breather, speak, swallow, ANYTHING without my tongue being ripped to shreds. So, as I cant get onto an NHS dentist list, I had to go to the emergency dentist. Waited nearly three hours to be seen. They have filled the hole with dental putty. Only a temporary solution, but at least my tongue will have time to heal.

Okay, second excuse. I was up so late on Sunday night, that I slept late this morning, and have been rushing around like a lunatic trying to get everything done that should be done.

I LOVE my stand up Tony. Ooooooooooooh he is SO handsome!! and now that he's lost 20 pounds, well, Be still my beating heart!! YUMMMMY, and WHAT a race it was on Sunday!! WOW!! What else can I say? Tony just seemed to be driving for fun! Every time someone caught up to him, it was like Tony would wave and then leave them standing!! Now THAT is how a race should be won.

I'm a little sad that Terry Labonte didn't have a better race. It was sad to see him go. And when his daughter said "Dad, for the last time. Start your Engine." I felt a lump in my throat. Emotional wasn't the word. I wish Terry all the luck in the world. He'll stay around NASCAR because of Justin. But a cup race without the Iceman? Who would have thought it?

Kyle Petty and Bobby Labonte are both doing SO well now!! I can see one of them, probably Bobby, winning sometime next season. I think Bobbys move to PE was just hwta they both needed.

Right. I'm off to bed. Must say goodnight to my Tony first though. The one that stands RIGHT by my bed :) WHOOOHOOOOO Love it!!

2006-11-04T23:00:00.000Z

Look what I got!!!! A really, REALLY nice lady sent it to me because I told her I had never seen one! Guess what is right beside my bed so it is the first thing I see in a morning, and last thing I see at night?

So. Tony finishes 2nd in the Busch race. Is this maybe a good omen for tomorrows race? I hope so. But other drivers need the win more then Tony does. I would LOVE to see either Labonte brother in Victory lane. They certainly deserve it. Wouldn`t have minded Mark Martin getting there either, but I dont think he has much chance after his bump with Tony Raines. Oooooooops!!

Here's a couple of pics of the dogs. First one is Ben and Kita. these are the mama dog and daddy dog to all my pups. Kita looks a little weird because next doors cat was just getting ready to jumop on to the top of the fence!! Second one is Shunya and Inka waiting for me to get upstairs at bedtime. Its a race to see who can get the spot right by the bed!! You can see how much lighter then Inka Shunya is. Her coat colour wont change that much now, just a little more black, but not much. She so reminds me of a wolf. See what I mean, in the third one? She is such a pretty girl.

Two of my teeth have broken. I'm almost certain it is where they had the thing that kept my mouth open in the hospital, when they did the tonsillectomy. They did warn me that it could knock out any loose teeth, or chip any of them. I'll survive.

Well, bedtime I suppose. I'm not tired, but Clive has already gone up with Shunya, Inka and Ben. There is just me, Mishka and Kita up now. I kow I have to go. But I just dont really care what I do right now. I am so lethargic. I just dont want to do anything.

GRRRRRRRRRRR I must pull myself together, so I will call myself a pair of curtains!!

2006-11-04T18:09:00.000Z

Life seems to be going round in circles. Just when I could REALLY do with it moving forward. My son, Allan, finally moved out after a supposedly short saty, which turned into nearly a year. That was a year ago. Today, he moved back in. We were really enjoying our time alone together. Just us and the dogs. But I cant see him out on the streets. Its winter, or so near winter it might as well be.

Shunya has grown really well since we got her. She is now bigger then Inka and Kita, even though she is only one. In six months, if she is mature enough, mentally and physically, I will mate her with Ben. I am SO sure the pups will be gorgeous. And both dogs carry a blue gene, and Shunya carries white as well. Could be interesting.

My dogs. Ben, Kita and Shunya.

Oh well. Lets see what the next week brings.

booooooooo

2006-10-31T21:53:00.000Z

Happy Halloween. Not that we bother doing anything about it in our house. It's just another excuse for people to come annoying us. We dont have anything to give them.

My throat is getting a little better each day. The pain hasn't been as bad today. it's a week since I came out of hospital. I know it's all for a good cause and that, but if i had known how painful it was going to be, I might have thought twice about having it done. Oh well, maybe its good that I didn't know.

My grandson continues to grow. Ty is now a hefty 15, almost 16 pounds. He still cries a lot of the time. But the docs say there is nothing wrong. he just likes the sound of his own voice, and his food. He is quiet while he's fed. Sounds like a typical male to me.

Shunya continues to grow into a beautiful girl. She is now bigger then Kita and Inka, even though she is only just one year old. Hopefully, she will be mature enough at her next season to be mated. It all depends how mentally and physically mature she is. But I bet that she and Ben produce some STUNNING puppies!!

Hopefully I will get back to regular postings on here now. I know I was a bad girl.

See ya later.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO

2006-10-30T01:16:00.000Z

WHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO. Well, guess who forgot about being in pain? Yes, ME!!! I was screaming for Tony to win, and win he did. I'msure he won specially for me because I am hurting so much!!.

Was a good race from what I could read.

Glad all drivers finished up okay. Some nasty wrecks. Mark Martins one especially.

Right. it's gone 1am. I need to sleep. I just had some painkillers. They will start working in the next 10 or 15 minutes, and the pain will ease enough for me to get to sleep.

Take care My friends.

WHOOOOOOOOOO

urghhhhhhhhh

2006-10-29T17:48:00.000Z

Here I am. One week after my tonsillectomy, and feeling LOUSY!! My throat hurts so much. Far more then I expected it to now! I knew it would hurt for a few days. The docs told me that when I was accepted for the tonsillectomy. But a whole WEEK!! With barely any reduction in pain. The painkillers they have given me to take totally knock me out. Within 15 minutes of taking them, I am so woozy and sleepy that I cant even sit up straight. I am not complaining, as such. I have waited so long for this. Forty years in fact! So I knew it HAD to be done. Especially after it put me in hospital in April. At least I know I will never get tonsillitis again.

Life seems to be trying hard to kick me out of the way this week. As well as feeling bad with the op, I have fallen down the stairs THREE times! Yes, THREE times. My right knee just seems to forget to lock my leg straight, and down I go. haven't hurt myself, yet. Apart from a few little bruises.

Shunya was one at the beginning of this month. She is growing to be beautiful, just as I would expect. And she's smart. Maybe TOO smart.

That will have to do for now. I have taken some painkillers, and once again I am now struggling to stay upright.

Take care my friends. I'll be back :)

Waiting again

2006-09-19T11:17:00.000+01:00

Today should have been the day I went into hospital to have my tonsillectomy. I have spent all my time since May trying to convincemyself that it is all going to be okay. Trying to make myself believe that I am not going to die in hospital due to their negligence, like Phil did. But now they have cancelled my surgery until a later date. So I am left wondering how I am going to get through the next few days, weeks, months. I know I have waited thirty years for this to happen, but I am so scared now. I just dont know how I am going to get through it. I need this tonsillectomy, badly, but I am almost ready to contact the hospital and say forget it! I'm not sure if I can get myself back to the point where I was capable of accepting it. I feel very let down.

On another bad note, we have been having a tough time here. My neices ex partner used to have complete and unresticted access to their baby. He had her to stay overnight with him. But when it was time to bring her back to her Mom, there was no sign of him. Then my neice got a phone call saying he was never bringing the baby back to her. She would never see her baby again. Well, as you can imagine, the family went beserk! Search parties went out, friends, neighbours, family, all searching. Then we called the police in. The ex partner and the baby were found, safe and well, but not before my neice almost collapsed with worry. She is now only allowing supervised visits, and the ex partner is no longer allowed to have the baby overnight. My neice is seeing a solicitor early next month to see where she stands, and what she can do.

Now a good note. Ty is doing really well. My fat little grandson is putting on an average of 2 pounds every two weeks. The midwife, the health visitor, and the doctor are all extremely pleased with him. He is in a routine and is already mananging to sleep right through the night.
My daughter, Kristi, is pretty much back to normal now, and is coping well. I know she was having a few worries near the end of her pregnancy. She thought she might not be able to cope, but she is managing perfectly well. I am so proud of her.

Good finish for Tony at last weekends race. Thats my boy!!!

Typical

2006-09-11T10:13:00.000+01:00

Now I am really mad. I just got a phonecall from the hospital. They have cancelled my op, and will reschedule it for some time after the 20th. So now I have even MORE time to worry about it. And I have to unmake all the details I had already got in place.

Feels like my Dothiepin are not working as well as they were. Dont know if its just because I am so stressed or what. But added to my problems, Clive still isn't sleeping, so I am getting tireder and tireder (is tireder a word? Well it is now).

What the hell is wrong with me!!!

2006-09-10T13:43:00.000+01:00

So, I finally get the date for my tonsillectomy. 19th September. I have waited over 30 years to get them out, and what am I doing now? I'm scaring myself to death! What if they dont knock me out properly, and I feel everything? What if I dont come round after the op? What if I go into a coma? What if.......what if.......what if.......!!! Just how pathetic is that? 9 days. Thats all I have left before I go in. It's a day op, so I should be home again by late afternoon, early evening.

Ty is growing so fast! He has put on 4 pounds in 4 weeks. And he is a typical male (sorry guys), always yelling for something. Kristi istired. The other three grandkids wee all really good, quiet and peaceful, but not Ty. There is nothing wrong with him, he just likes the sound of his own voice

Okay, ignore me in that pic. I was tired, I look fatter then ever with those double chins, but its because I am looking down, and have my chin down on my chest.Tony is out of the chase. Congrats to all the Harvick fans for the two wins. Congrats to the Kenseth fans, Matt out front in the chase. Congrats to the Kasey fans. Your boy done good! HUGE kudos to Denny hamlin. Man that boy reminds me SO much of Tony as a rookie! Nice huh?

huh?

2006-09-03T22:03:00.000+01:00

Quick visit. This is the fifth time today I have tried to get an internet connection to let me post on here. I just want everyone to know I am okay. Finally got my date for my tonsillectomy. 19th September. Scared witless now. But I really need to get those little swine OUT of my throat before they swell up AGAIN!!

New grandson is doing well. Putting on weight nicely, and his Mom is fine too.

Hope I will be back to normal with the internet soon. maybe a week or two. Wish me luck.

2006-08-09T19:48:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I was taking some photos of Shunya and Inka. I was trying to see how much Shunya had grown. Got some nice pics.
Then Shunya moved, and somehow I got THIS pic!! I promise, nothing has been altered in this pic.

I swear, I spent around 15 minutes in FITS of laughter when I uploaded the pic from the camera, and actually SAW what I had got.

I LOVE Freecycle. I have been looking for a real wood coffee table, small, around 2ft by 2ft, but they are SO expensive!! WAAAAAY out of our range. But one came up on Freecycle yesterday. It is PERFECT!! Antique looking, but really nice. needs a little bit of work on it. Just the tiniest bit. And all it cost me was the fuel for my sisters car. A couple of quid (pounds, for my dear American and Canadian friends who dont know :) ). Our old coffee table was too big, so my daughter is having that one.

My new grandson is doing well. I will get some more pics when I go to see them tomorrow.

To answer Janes question, and I know others will ask too, no, I hadn't given Inka anything to eat. She was just sat quietly while I took photos, then she started to move, just as I took the pic. And that, up there ^, is the result. I just snapped the pic at the right time :)

SORT of back, but not yet

2006-08-06T23:46:00.000+01:00

Okay, let me explain. No, I haven't cured our financial problems. Nowhere near. But I HAVE been shown a roundabout way I can get online. No, I'm not telling. Just accept I am here, for now. Dont know how long for. Maybe just today, maybe for a week. I dont know.

Congrats to Jimmie Johnson on his Indianapololis win. Tony did well, finishing 9th, which puts him 9th in the chase.

Now, some good news. Well, for me and my family anyway. My daughter, on Thursday morning at 5.30am presented me with another grandson. Tyrese Lei Francis Ryan.

Meet Ty.
And here's another one. This is Mum (Kristi) and Ty, he is one day and 5hrs old in these pics.
He has the most ENORMOUSLY long feet!! I really must get a pic of those. But anyway, he is doing well. 7lb 12oz at birth. Good weight. 9 days early. Anyway. Hope you enjoyed the pics.

Sorry gang

2006-07-31T11:23:00.000+01:00

Due to no finances I am offline for the near futrure. The only time I can get online is if I can get to my sisters or the library. With it being school holidays here the library computers are FULL of kids. They are booked up until Wednesday this week. I have a booking for one then. If I can, I will let you know how I am doing. But I cant promise anything. I am going to miss you all like crazy. Thanks to all of you who helped me stay online as long as I have. Without you I would have been offline months ago.

Be good. And dont forget to cheer for Tony for me. I cant even get into the chatroom during the race now :(

Take care my friends.

Hot, so hot!!

2006-07-18T20:22:00.000+01:00

Well, seems like all I do is post when something isn't right. But my life is so boring most of the time, that I just cant think of things to say.

Anyway, since Saturday it has been getting hotter and hotter here. According to our Met office we were hotter here today, then some parts of Miami!! I hate being too hot. Being fat I feel the heat a lot.

Sunday we went up to Fleetwood. There was a vintage vehicle rally there, and as Clive and I are both interested in that sort of stuff, we wanted to go. Here's a pic of some of the trams that run where I live. The rally we went to is called Tram sunday. Because they get out all the old trams, and some of them are made up like boats, rockets etc.

They show all sorts of old vehicles at the rally. Here's a few more pics.

Also went to a really nice craft village. Marsh Mill. Nice little tea shop there, that serves fruit tea. Nice.

They also have a model club there. Watched, and helped with these for an hour or so.

Guess that'll do for now. Probably bored you stupid by now.

I hope it isn't

2006-07-08T19:51:00.000+01:00

I have a very sore throat. It feels like tonsillitis. They said at the hospital, that since I had that really bad bout, I might be more susceptible. As if I wasn't susceptible already!!! Anyway, i have some mouth wash and some tablets left over from when I was discharged from the hospital. I am going to use some of them. Hopefully they will stop it if it IS tonsillitis.

Took all the pics off my daughters phone today. She doesn't have a card reader, andshe has lost the cable to attach it to the computer. Some of these pic are SO cute. I know they may not be the clearest ones ever, but you can still see what needs to be seen :)

My grandaughter Cora. She just learned to say "get down" and was going around telling everyone to get down!!

This horse is made out of sand, and was built in our local shopping centre (mall) one weekend.

My son, Allan, and his neice Cora. He adores her, and she loves him to bits. She actually learned to say his name before she could say the name of her brother and sister!! She calles him Lala.

You may or may not know that the football (soccer) World Cup is on at the moment, and England qualified this year (as they do every year i think). My grandson, Ben, supports his national team with much pride. Her is Ben, Leigha, and Cora all supporting the England team during their first match.

Dont ask!!! All I know is that its Cora!

Hope some of those made you smile.

Ready to post a bit more.

2006-07-04T13:43:00.000+01:00

Clive has been put onto a new med for his RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) Its called Ropinarole. Its helping a little. Its on a tapered dose. He started off on a white tablet (0.25mg) three times a day. Then last week he moved up to a yelow tablet (0.5mg) three times a day. Now this week he is up to the white and yellow tabs together (0.75mg) 3 times a day. Next week he goes onto a green tab at 1mg a go. When he changes dose he gets pretty bad heartburn for two days. We told the doc and he said it was quite normal.

We are in a heatwave here. Way too hot for me. Puts me in a real bad mood when I am too hot. Even the dogs think its too hot, they are all lying in the living room, staying out of the sun.

Well.........

2006-07-04T11:16:00.000+01:00

Well, my life is so boring, I have had nothing to post about. We couldn't continue with the decorating, as I wasn't feeling too good. I thought I might be getting tonsillitis again, it wasn't, it was an infected gum. But that's better now, so we will carry on with the decorating. In fact, we have done almost all of the back half of the living room now. There is just my computer corner to do. But that involves disconnecting everything, moving everything of my shelves, taking the shelves down, moving my computer cupboard out of the alcove, taking everything off the walls, stripping the last of the hideous stripy paper from the walls, filling all the holes and stuff. Then sanding and repainting the walls. Not much there is there?

Okay. The first pic shows the back wall, where the window is, and the side wall. Please forgive the mess. We haven't got round to putting everything away yet. But one of my favourite items I own is on view here. The black car you can see is a hackney carriage, known as a black cab, and is the type of taxi you would see in London, and many other cities in England. I used to drive one of those (not in London, but in Stoke) and I love them. The one you see is actually a lamp.

Okay, next pic is of the opposite side wall. The one behind me when I am sitting at my computer.
The painting on the wall on the left was done by Clives brother Keith, and is of the town where their father lived. We actually have two paintings by Keith the other one, which would normally sit on the side wall in the first picture, is of a reservoir near to where we used to live in Stoke. I will put a pic of that up when we put everything back on the walls.

But here is a closer view of the pic of Greenfield. Keith paints in a very Lowryesque way when it comes to views of towns and villages. I couldn't find a position where there wasn't a reflection on the pic. Oh well.

Okay. So, the last pic is of my computer corner, which is always in a mess. I know where things are all the time, but if I tidy up I lose things!! In this pic you can see the awful stripy paper. Everything is dusty because we had just been sanding down the side wall next to the computer desk ready to paint it. You can also see why we left this corner to last. It is so full of stuff its going to take forever just to empty the corner!! You can also see into the froont half of the living room. The colours all go so well. It is much more relaxing in here now. I think we made a good choice on the colours. I'm happy with how well its gone so far.

Of course, the other good news for me was that Tony won on Sunday! WHOOHOOOOOOOOOO. Yes, I am a happy girl over that. He needed that win. Not just for the points, but for his own self-confidence. He needed to know he could win again, after the lousy few weeks he's had lately. Tony is well on his way to a third championship if he carries on this way. I cant help it. I support my boy!!!

Fair day and be well.

Decorating again

2006-06-20T09:30:00.000+01:00

Okay. Nice boring post coming up. As you know, if you read my blog regularly that is, we are redecorating the back half of the living room. Now this used to be a seperate room. Where the square gap is in the wall used to be solid. There used to be a seperate door into this room. But the two rooms were knocked into one, and the old doorway was concreted up. We want to have the two halves of the room decorated differently. The idea is to make it look almost like two seperate rooms again. Before you ask, this is how it was when we moved in. It's not something we did and now dont like.

Firstly, let me show you what we have had to look at over the last four years. Excuse the cobwebs in the corner, that part was behind a bookcase, which we had just moved.
As you can see, the walls were pretty garish! Please excuse the mess around my computer. I tend to be a bit of a hoarder, and with decorating, everything just got shoved on those shelves.

So, we decided to just try the colours we had picked in one corner first, to see how they looked. When we stripped the paper off the walls, we found lots of dents and bumps in the walls that had been covered up by the paper. So, we had to fill the holes, level the bumps. Had lovely patchy walls for a while :)

A total mess eh? Annoyed us a bit, because it took so long. But, we finally got to the point where we could slap on a coat of paint to see if we liked the colours as much as we thought we would. We chose a real terracotta coulour, and a light terracotta one.
Now, the big patch of plaster you see by Clives elbow, is where the old door was. We had to totally cover the concrete with plaster or it made the paint look a different colour! But you can see just how much we had to level those walls. .
So, there you go. The first stage. We decided we like the colours, so we will put a proper coat one those walls. This was just to make sure they went together okay, and that we liked it. Now we have to strip the rest of the walls, no doubt finding more dents and lumps and bumps, and then level the walls, and then paint them.

So. Are you bored yet? You could always come and do the work for us :) Okay, so I am kidding. We have to take our time, but we are actualy enjoying doing this.

More photos and more tales of the unexpected (problems) later.

Be good!!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn

2006-06-17T13:17:00.000+01:00

Another night of not sleeping. It's too warm, and I just cant settle. The heat isn't the only thing keeping me awake. But it certainly doesn't help.

Seems like the dogs like the new cooker and breadmaker too. Because I have been doing more cooking and baking, there are more scraps left for them. I know I will get over the novelty of having new stuff soon, especially when I have to start paying for my cooker!! First payment is due next month.

A nice guy I met on the Nascar.com chatroom has made me very happy. He's a Brit, lives not that far from me, maybe 30/40 miles. Small world eh? He noticed the Brit bit in my chatroom username, and asked if I WAS a Brit. When I told him I was, and where I lived, well, we hit it off quite well. Anyway, he gets NASN, the channel that costs too much for me to get, and he records the race and puts it on his computer, Then he burns it onto DVD-RW and sends it to me to watch. Then I send the disks back and he puts the next race on. Mart, if you ever find this, you are a STAR!! Babs, you were too. I still owe you a lot for what you did for me. Just as soon as I can get another litter of pups, I will make sure I pay you. If not all, then some. But what are the chances of going into a chatroom based in another country, and finding someone who lives that close to you???

The dogs are all very quiet. They dont like the heat much. We keep putting ice cubes in the waterbowls, but Shunya just steals the ice cubes and goes off to suck them!! Daft pup.

Starting on the re-decoration of the back half of our living room. The part where my computer is. I cant stand these stripes any more! They make me want to scream AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! See what I mean? We will be taking the wallpaper off, and just painting the walls. I have a nice real terracotta colour and a light terracotta. They go well together, and they dont clash with the liqeur, cream and gold in the front half of the room. I'll post pics like last time. Might not start painting for a few days, as we are trying to rid the walls of all the dents and bumps we found under the paper.

Well, off to get something to eat now. byeee

Bad me

2006-06-16T23:02:00.000+01:00

I am SO bad. I haven't updated my blog in forever! But I have just not really felt like doing anything. I have been having a lot of trouble with my ankles and my feet. They are so swollen.I don't know if it is water retention or something else, but they look like huge, over-stuffed sausages. Now, I know I am no super-model. More like a super tanker. But I can usually tell the difference between my ankles and my feet. At the moment its hard to say where one ends and the other begins.

I managed to get myself a bike of our local Freecycle group. I LOVE Freecycle. I have given loads of stuff away to people who can really make use of it, and I have got myself some pretty nice stuff along the way. Anyway, I got this bike. Just needs cleaning up a little as it has been stored in a garage for the last year. Then I can get out a bit more. I can cycle further then I can walk.

Along with my new cooker, I managed, through vouchers I get for doing some online surveys, to get myself a breadmaker. And I am having FUN with it. Today I made some banana bread, some cheese bread, two plain white loaves and a wholemeal loaf. And all for less then I would have paid for the two white loaves at the supermarket!!

I'm still not sleeping well, but at least I am getting SOME sleep. I have also FINALLY got my ENT appointment. The doctors at the hospital said I would get it and be seen within six weeks from my discharge from the hospital. Its now seven weeks since I got out, and my appointment is July 24th. Good eh?

My life is so boring. I just read what I have typed. If I was someone else, I wouldn't bother reading it. It is so much drivel. I need some form of excitement in my life. Other then Nascar, which I DO love, I feel like I don't really have a valid reason to exist any more. And no, I am not contemplating doing anything stupid. I just don't see a daily reason for me to get up and do anything. If it wasn't for the dogs, I would probably never get out of bed. There is nothing for me to do.

I better go check on how Tony has done in qualifying!!

Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got food in my tummy!!

2006-06-08T11:16:00.000+01:00

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I am a happy bunny. Yesterday, I got my new cooker. I have needed one since before Christmas. The oven and the grill on my old cooker gave up the ghost. I had to get my sister to cook our Christmas turkey at her house on Christmas Eve! I like my new cooker. It's pretty basic, cos' that's all we could afford, but it has a working oven, a working grill, and all four hob plates work! I made us some pies for tea yesterday. Oh, but this oven cooked them so nicely. It has a facility where you can have the heat coming from the bottom of the oven, or the top, or both. So I cooked the pies with the all round heat, then finished off the tops with the top heat. YEAH!! Scrumptious food. And I am going to do some more cooking today. Don't know what yet. But I am. And Clive is going to make Toad In The Hole for our tea. Just in case you don't know what Toad In The Hole is ( I usually get sort of blank stares when I say it, especially to my American friends).

Ingredients:
100g/4oz Plain Flour
1/2 level teasp Salt
1 Egg
270ml/9fl.oz Milk
225g/8oz Pork Sausages

Instructions

1. Preheat the oven to 200C, 400F, Gas mark 6 and grease a shallow ovenproof dish or Yorkshire pudding tin.

2. Place the flour, egg, milk and salt in a large mixing bowl and whisk until smooth and lump free.

3. Place the sausages in the greased dish in a single layer then pour over the batter. Bake in the oven for 40-45 minutes until well risen and golden.
Try not to open the oven door during cooking or the pudding may not rise.
Serve immediately with an onion gravy and chopped cabbage or other green
vegetable.

Serves 4.

There endeth the lesson on English cuisine for today :)

The dogs are SO confused by the new cooker. For a start, my old cooker was blue, this one is white. The old cooker was shallow from front to back, this one sticks out quite a way past where the old one ended. They keep going in the kitchen and looking at the cooker! Daft or what? :)

I am a bit peeved too. I was winning an auction for a Tony Stewart Shrek 2 diecast. I went right up to the limit (money that was given to me specifically to buy a diecast, by a friend). I was beaten by ONE PENNY!!! One penny, honestly. That really got my goat. I was NOT in a good mood for about 20 minutes. Until I went in the kitchen and saw my new cooker again :) Do you realise how hard it is to provide good meals with just a toaster, a George Foreman grill, a slow cooker (crock pot) and two working hob plates? I was going barmy. And I was so bored of what I could cook too.

Oh well. Off to see what I can cook :) See y'all later.

2006-06-06T18:58:00.000+01:00

Sometimes, I wonder why we defend other peoples rights to pursue their own enjoyment. Our neighbours are a middle-aged couple with two teenaged children. We go out of our way to make sure that we dont disturb them with the dogs, So we work hard to keep the noise down. If the dogs get too excited when they are playing, and start barking, we bring them indoors. We are as considerate as we can possibly be. Today, the girls from next door were playing out in their back yard. Now, you have to realise that our house is one of the middle two in a terrace of four. In other words, the four houses are all connected together.
The three windows and the door belong to us, the windows the other side of the fence and drainpipe belong to next door.

So now you can see how small our house is. The fence divides our back yard from the neighbours on the other side of us.

Anyway, back to today. The dogs had been playing outside. Fairly quietly. Then the doorbell rang. It was Steve from next door. complaining that there was dog hair blowing over the fence. I mean........ DOG HAIR!! Not huge great clouds of it, just little bits. The dogs are moulting, but not very much. It's a good thing Clive answered the door, and not me. When he told me, I was ready to go round and give Steve a yelling at. But I cant do that. We dont want to give them any resson to complain about the dogs.

I AM SO MAD!!!!

Ah ha!!

2006-06-06T12:46:00.000+01:00

I see we are back to being able to post properly! Good. I like being able to put pics in my posts. Even if others don't want to see them, at least I can look at them.

Clive had to go see our normal GP today. On Saturday his hand swelled up and was very painful. It has been easing off slowly, but it still bothers him, so he went to see the doc, who has NO idea what it was. So that was a waste of time. But at least Clive got some good painkillers.

The dogs have been enjoying the sun and hot weather today, we should get up into the low eighties this week. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too hot for me. I like high 60's low 70's.

Shunya has discovered that if she stands with both feet in the waterbowl outside, she cools off a little. Stupid pup. She gets her feet wet, then tries to run inside. But we have laminate floors, and she just slips and slides everywhere. Kind of reminiscent of Bambi in the film, where he is trying to walk on ice! Here's a pic of took of Shunya and Inka today. Shunya is eight months old, and Inka is Four years old. Shunya is the same size as Inka now!!

HEEEEELP!! She is going to be huge when she is fully grown :)

Good weekend or what?

2006-06-05T19:59:00.000+01:00

Congrats to Matt. I could almost hear Babs yelling from here!! Of course, it wasn't the same with Tony being out of the car. But, at least Ricky made sure Tony got some points. As long as he stays in the race for the chase then I am happy. He gets another chance at being Champ again!

Although the weekend was good, today wasn't so good. Clive had an appointment with the vascular consultant at the hospital. Clive has what we were always told was bad circulation. But things have not been good for him lately. He cant work with his arms above his head, so simple tasks like painting the ceiling, or changing light bulbs, are all beyond him. Anyway, we went for his appointment. He was due to be seen at 2.20pm. Apparently one of the doctors was taken ill, so the appointments were delayed. It was 4.15pm before we got seen. Clive was NOT happy. But we did come out of the appointment happy. The consultant discovered that a lot of Clives problems are caused by a leaky vein!! And he can have a small operation to fix it. Which should help with other problems he has. So we are pleased with that.

My daughter moved into her new house on Saturday. She seems to have already got quite settled. Which I am glad of. Her baby is due at the beginning of August, and I wanted her to be able to sit and relax for the last couple of months. Now she will be able to.

Oh well. Here's hoping that Tony IS fit enough to drive next raceday. I want my boy back in his car! :)

Yuck

2006-05-30T20:48:00.000+01:00

Oh what joy!!! Today I got a letter from my docs reminding me that I am a year overdue for my smear test. Now that REALLY cheered me up..............NOT! I get embarressed when I have to show any part of my anatomy to anyone, actually lying there with all my bits on show is NOT one of my fave things to do.

I feel so slow and useless today. No enthusiasm for anything. I just wish I could get back to normal. I dont mean normal for me, I mean normal for most humans. I was that bad today that I didn't even take the dogs for their wak I feel awful about it, but I just dont have the energy. I let them all play in the yard together instead.

Took a cute pic of Shunya last night. She was waiting for me to shut down the computer.
She lay like that for 20 minutes!! Now is that a daft pup or what? :) At least she can still make me laugh.

What a weekend

2006-05-29T20:10:00.000+01:00

Not a good weekend for Tony Stewart. Two bad crashes in two days. I have read somewhere that he has a fractured scapula. Anyone know if that is right?

Didn't sleep well last night at all. But I was way too tired to get out of bed. So I just lay there, with my eyes closed, and tried to relax. Problem is, I tried SO hard to relax, that I got all tensed up and even worse then I was before. I just cant win.

Clives birthday today. Not doing anything special, just a nice, quiet, relaxing day. And I let him get away with all his really bad jokes. I laughed at them. But I told him that after midnight I am back to groaning at them! :)

I dont apologise for having this video on my blog. I may not be American, but I do know that if it hadn't been for your soldiers, and ours, we might all be speaking German or Japanese. Not that there is anything wrong with those people now. I have a lot of respect for each countries culture and people. But things might have been different if it had not been for the hundreds of thousands of men and women who gave their all, including, for some, their lives. God bless the armed forces.

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

What a weekend

2006-05-29T19:49:00.000+01:00

Not a good weekend for Tony Stewart. Two bad crashes in two days. I have read somewhere that he has a fractured scapula. Anyone know if that is right?

Didn't sleep well last night at all. But I was way too tired to get out of bed. So I just lay there, with my eyes closed, and tried to relax. Problem is, I tried SO hard to relax, that I got all tensed up and even worse then I was before. I just cant win.

Clives birthday today. Not doing anything special, just a nice, quiet, relaxing day. And I let him get away with all his really bad jokes. I laughed at them. But I told him that after midnight I am back to groaning at them! :)

I dont apologise for having this video on my blog. I may not be American, but I do know that if it hadn't been for your soldiers, and ours, we might all be speaking German or Japanese. Not that there is anything wrong with those people now. I habve a lot of respect for each countries culture and people. But things might have been different if it had not been for the hundreds of thousands of men and women who gave their all, including, for some, their lives. God bless the armed forces.

Big & Rich - 8th Of November Music video

Pheeeeeeew

2006-05-27T10:42:00.000+01:00

Well, I dont know why, but the dogs actually slept well past their normal wake up time of 6.30-7.00am this morning. They didn't wake up until 9.30am. I could do with finding out why. I would love to be able to sleep that late a few mornings a week!

Finally managed to start breaking up the old fence panels that we had to replace. It had been raining too much before, but it was dry(ish) this morning so I had fun jumping on the old panels and seperating all the broken bits from the frames. A couple of the lengths seem to be okay, so we will keep those for repairing the little fence round the storage area at the bottom of the yard. I need to have that enclosed because of puppies trying to get in there, and there is some stuff they could hurt themselves on. I know I dont have pups right now, but I hhave to think forward. If I allow myself to focus totaaly on today I wouldn't get anything done.

Shunya is shedding her coat. I have never had a shepherd who shed as much hair as she is doing. It is hanging off her in strings. Even when I have just brushed her. Her undercoat isa gorgeous shade of wolf grey!! And her eyes are still very light. I think she really is going to stay a very light colour. Her black overcoat is spreading, but her light parts are not darkening up at all. And she gets prettier each day. She has the most comical expressions on her face sometimes. I like the one where she is trying to figure out what to do next. She almost goes cross-eyed when she really concentrates.

Clives birthday soon. I need to get around to making him a card. But I cant get him out of the way long enough for me to do it! He seems to be close to me all the time. Oh well.

Enough of boring you all. I'm going to make myself a cup of apple tea, and get around to reading some blogs. Take care.

Pheeeeeew

2006-05-25T20:34:00.000+01:00

Been a long, long day. finished of the fence this morning, then for some reason, and I dont know why, it seemed like the phone never stopped ringing. First my daughter phoned to tell me she is moving house. Staying in the same city, but moving about a mile further away from me. I think she must have been on the phone for nearly an hour and a half. Telling me all about the new house. Far better then the one she is in now And a bit bigger. Which is good as she is pregnant, and the baby is due in August. Then my sister phoned, I cant even remember what she wanted, but we spoke for about three quarters of an hour. Managed to eat some lunch around 3pm. Had about an hour when the phone didn't ring. Then, since then, it doesn't seem to have stopped! Why am I suddenly popular? We can go for days without the phone ringing even ONCE! yet today, it rings, and rings, and rings, and rings!!

Too busy

2006-05-25T09:43:00.000+01:00

Well, I seem to have spent the last four days working myself to death! I still dont think I am 100% right after my bout of tonsillitis, but we had so much to do round the house that I had to help. We had really strong winds late last year? And it blew all our fence panels, on one side of the yard, out of the posts. They are only waneylap, but they provided us with security and privacy. Our landlord replaced one of the panels with a new one, but three others were damaged as well. Just not bad enough to warrant replacement thought our landlord. Since then two of those old panels have disintegrated, and one old panel was broken by next door dropping his ladders on it. We got a loan from social ( the benefits agency)and we bought new fence panels. They were not expensive, but more then we could afford without the loan. We spent the last two days sanding them down, coating them with wood preservative to prolong their life, then preparing to fit them. I dont have the strength to lift them high enough to get them into the concrete slot posts, and Clive still cant lift anything because of his hernia repair, so we had to wait for son to come over.He came last night and we now have a nice row of new fence panels in place. Just need to fit the spacers and tielinks and the fence is finished!
The rest of the time we have been preparing the back half of the living room for decorating. Which involved removing all shelves, pictures, ornaments etc from the walls, and then getting ready to strip the old paper off. Only problem we found was that someone had used strong glue to stick some parts of the paper down, its dragged some of the plaster off with it!! So we need to skim the walls before we decorate. I need some plaster stuff to do it with though. I might just use parrot food. You know, Polyfilla

So there is why I haven't been around much. Hope everyone who calls in and reads my blog is happy, well, and fit as a flea :)

Happy Birthday Tony

2006-05-20T09:21:00.000+01:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY!!!

Here's wishing my favourite driver a wonderful day for his birthday. Wish I was there to give him a birthday hug. Oh well, maybe one day.

Feeling a little better today. Managed to sleep right through the night apart from one trip to the bathroom for a potty break. Still feeling very tired, but that's hardly surprising as I had a lot to do yesterday, and felt exhausted when I finally got home.

I'm doing okay.

Now I am getting REALLY fed up

2006-05-18T21:43:00.000+01:00

If it isn't one thing, it's another. Here I am thinking I am getting back to normal after the bout with the throat monster, then, for the last two nights I have been walking, and sitting, and lying down, and getting up trying to get rid of a horrendous pain in my abdomen. I couldn't find a position where it wasn't crippling me. It was so painful I was almost in tears. Damn it. I WAS crying with the pain. Then, just when I was about to get Clive to call the doctor, I got the urge to throw up. And BOY, did I ever throw up. I spent nearly two hours in the bathroom. Clinging on to the floor because it felt like I was trying to bring my feet up through my throat. And this was for two nights. I was fine during the day, but half an hour after I lay down, the pain started. Tuesday night it was 6am before I managed to get to sleep, and last night it was 5.30am I am so tired I could fall off the floor. Apart from that, everything is fine. I am still waiting for the hospital to send me my appointment for the ENT dept.

Anyone have any suggestions for a good FREE trojan remover? My son in laws computer is riddled with them, and I cant suggest one for him.

Hope everyone is okay. Sorry I haven't been able to get around to being "with you". I'll be back soon. I hope!

Better?

2006-05-15T19:51:00.000+01:00

Well, I know I have been missing for a while. This is taking a lot longer to get over then I expected. I was hoping to be totally back to normal by now. But I am still not quite there. Still getting very tired, very easily. And my concentration is still shot. I cant remember anything for long.

Had a visit from one of last years pups yesterday. The one we called Gidget, but her new owner renamed her Julie. She has grown well, and is a happy, and well adjusted young lady. Here's a pic I took yesterday.

She's ten months old now. And she looks like her Mum. She is so sweet.

Anyway. Thats about all for now. Thanks to you all for keeping me in the loop. I appreciate it.

Love y'all!!!!

Getting Better

2006-05-11T22:38:00.000+01:00

Well, went outside today, for the first time in over four weeks. Went up to town. Only did a little bit of walking, but man, do my legs and back ever ache now!!! Now I need to start walking the dogs myself again now. Try to get myself back to my normal level of unfitness! :)

Feeling much better now. Still not all the way back to being right, but not far to go now. I feel far more able to do things, even though they still tire me very easily. I have set myself a target of trying to post something in my blog at least every two days for a while.

Clive has been such a help while I have been ill. He has taken on pretty much all of what I used to do, except for disciplining the dogs. He's WAY too soft with them. But I cant be cross with him for that. He's good cop, I am bad cop. They KNOW they have to behave with me. Or they DID.

Right. Off to bed for me. Hugs to all my online friends. Thanks for all your comments and stuff while I have been off ill. I am sure that it helped me.

Be good. Or be good at it!!

Race.

2006-05-07T17:35:00.000+01:00

Well poooooooooooooooey. I didn't realise the race was a night race. So I missed it. I see Tony did okay, and way to go Jr. Tony has moved up nicely in the points. He needs to stay in the top five really, to be sure of getting in the chase. Although, those up front ARE getting away from the pack a little.

I am still feeling pretty weak. And I have no concentration. I hate that. I cant read, I cant even really watch tv. I cant follow anythng for long enough.

The dogs have all stuck pretty close to me since I got out of the hospital. I think they want to make sure i dont leave them again. Kita is being particularly stubborn about being near me. She is trying to chase everyone else away. She knows she isn't allowed to do that. But she tries anyway.

I hope I will get back into reading, and posting in the blogs more. And visiting the Tower too. And COTGO. I do miss you all, and I miss being there. But I just cant manage it right now. Keep the faith though. I WILL be there just as soon as I can.

Better

2006-05-06T10:23:00.000+01:00

Well, today I actuially got out of bed and felt like DOING something!! That is a HUGE improvement on how I have been lately. I am still not 100%, still get tired very easily, and still get dizzy, sick feelings from time to time. But I feel as though I am almost back to normal. That has GOT to be better then how I have felt for the last three weeks.

Thanks for all your support over the lastt few weeks. It really has helped me so much.

Sorry

2006-05-01T18:26:00.000+01:00

Hi gang. Just a real short note to let you all know I am still alive. Still not well, but I am alive. After getting out of the hospital, I haven't improved as quickly as they hoped. So I have to be patient. They were hoping I would be back to normal by today. No way. Maybe by the weekend.

To those who have emailed. I am really sorry. I haven't been able to read any of them as I can only sit up for a few minutes at a time. Even typing this has taken me nearly half an hour. I promise, I will catch up just as soon as I can.

Take care my friends. I love you all.

2006-04-24T22:06:00.000+01:00

Hi gang. Sorry i haven't been around. I got sick last saturday. Worse in sunday. Went to bed Moday , only got out of bed to visit the bathroom until Friday, when I got taken into hospital. I got out about an hour ago. Just wanted to let you all know that I hadn't forgotten you. Will be back later, mayber tomorrow to tell you the details oif you want em. But I am very, very tired right now. Going to have a hot drink, and see if I recover a little. If not, then I am off to bed.

Love y'all

PS Who won the race?

Down

2006-04-17T10:13:00.000+01:00

The last few days, I don't seem to have had any enthusiasm or inclination to do anything. I have just been sat in my chair, by the window, watching the world go by. I think I must have reached a point where I couldn't take anything else in. Although I got on the computer a few times, it was really only to surf for my blogmad credits. I am so low on those I cant NOT surf!! But, as soon as I had enough credits, I turned the computer off. That confused everyone here, as i usually only turn it off when I go to bed.

Oh well. Feeling a little more lifelike today. Not much, but a little. And anything is an improvement

Why?

2006-04-10T20:29:00.000+01:00

I dont understand some people. How hard is it to say please and thank you? Does it cost anything? Does it hurt? NO!! So why is it that some people seem totally unable to say the words? I had a phone call today, from a telemarketer. Clive answered, and he passed them on to me as they asked to speak to the lady of the house. Maybe he should have given it to Kita! When I took the phone the woman on the other end asked if I was the lady of the house. I said I was. Without even introducing heself she went into a spiel of sales garbage. I let her finish, being as polite as I could be, then informed her that, sorry, but I really was not interested in her offer. She came back with the usual stuff, are you sure that you dont want to save money, blah, blah, blah. I informed her again that I was not interested. Then came the reply, Well why have you been wasting my time then? Why didn't you say so in the beginning? I told her that if she had introduced herself I would have told her there and then that I wasn't interested. I was then subjected to a tirade of abuse. How dare I tell her how to do her job, and so on and so on. I pointed out to her that she hadn't given me the chance to tell her that I dont OWN a car, so her insurance extras were no good to me at all. I also said that I would like to speak to a manager or supervisor. She calmed down then. She said sorry. Then her exact words were " Dont tell my boss. I'll be fired". No request to "please dont tell", just dont tell. I do not like being ordered around. She said she would remove my number from the database so I didn't get called again. She tried to talk me out of it. Eventually I said I wouldn't talk to her boss. "OK, bye" thats all I got. Bad manners. There is no excuse.

GO TONY!!!

2006-04-10T08:45:00.000+01:00

Of course, I didn't see the race yesterday. But as normal, I "read" it in the chatroom. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO What else can I say? Tony raced from 40th to 1st, led most laps, and finished 3rd. Awesome or WHAT? Congratulations to Kasey Kahne. He's one of the good guys. I dont mind him winning. Matt finished 2nd for Babs. Pleased Babs? From what I read he drove really well. Elliott didn't do so well. Sorry Babs.

I got a phonecall from Kristi, my daughter, last night. She's the one who wants me to drive them 120 miles to the theme park, then hang around doing nothing all day (well, for 8 hrs) then drive them the 120 miles back again! They have now decided that they will pay for me to go into the theme park with them. At least I wont have to sit in the middle of nowhere for the 8hrs. I'll take my camera and try to get some decent shots of my grandkids.

Clive is having trouble with his stomach again. He only got about two hours sleep last night, so I haveleft him in bed to try and get some more. Also, his hernia op is giving him a little pain too. Now THAT wories me. Not a huge amount, but a bit. It's been a long time since he had the op.

I found out yesterday that Shunyas sister, Toffee, is just as willful, stubborn and plain bloody-minded as Shunya is. So at least I know she's normal.

Today

2006-04-09T13:17:00.000+01:00

Woke up this morning with a really stubborn pain in my knee. Like it had been twisted all night. It's also a little swollen. Feels very sore. I cant figure out what I have done to it. I just know it hurts.

The rash on Clives arm has gone. His elbow is still very warm to the touch, so I have told him to go ahead and see the doc tomorrow. I dont like it like that.

I wish it was summer, and we could leave the back door open all the time, for the dogs to run in and out. I am getting fed up of having to get up and down opening it all the time. You can pretty much bet on one of them wanting to go out the minute another one comes back in! Think I need a guard on that door :)

Taken for granted.

2006-04-08T20:22:00.000+01:00

I am beginning to feel just like I did before we moved to Blackpool. One of the reasons we wanted to move away was so the kids couldn't keep "using" us the way they were. Phoning me in the middle of the night to go and pick them up from a club or a party. Borrowing money, which they never paid back. All sorts of stuff like that. Yes, I KNOW that I am supposed to "BE THERE" for my kids, but they are also supposed to be responsible adults! My daughter has three kids of her own, and has another due in August. My son is 27. The reason I feel like this? I got a phone call about an hour ago. My daughter has arranged to take her kids to Alton Towers (a theme park) on tuesday. It is about 120 miles away. She phoned my sister to ask if I could borrow the car to take them there, wait all day for them, then bring them back. My sister agreed. My daughter THEN phones me and tells me she has organised it, would I please drive then there and back? Knowing that the towers is out in the middle of nowhere, so I wouldn't have anywhere near to wait for them. Didn't really ask me if I would, just sort of told me that she had made all the arrangements, they just needed a driver. What am I supposed to do all day. I will be dropping them off at 9.30am and not picking them up until 5.30PM. I dont know about you, but I think that is taking me for granted.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Whats happening on Blogger?

2006-04-08T10:19:00.000+01:00

Just read a post from a Blogger user that EVERYONE knows by now, Babs, that she has lost all her blogs. Well, SHE hasn't, she logged on and her blogs were gone. now, I dont know about you, but one of the first things I do each morning is read Babs main blog. And on a Saturday I read her Nascar blog first, so I know what happened to Tony, Matt, Elliott and everyone else. I dont think my day has started until I read those. but I cant read them if they are not there!! BLOGGER! Please help Babs find her blogs. So many of us need her input in a morning. HELP!!! HELP!!!

If anyone knows where Babs blogs are, or can help, please tell us!

Better or worse?

2006-04-07T23:03:00.000+01:00

Clive got a scratch off one of the dogs late last week. When they were playing. Whoever it was, they didn't mean to. They were just fooling around with him. The scratch didn't look too good, so we cleaned it up, washed it off with witch hazel, smothered it in antiseptic cream, and thought it was okay. Today his arm has a nasty looking red rash, under the skin. I think the scratch may have become infected. Clive had his tetanus shots five years ago, when he cut himself on the car, so i am not worried about that, but this rash doesn't look good. I want him to go to the walk-in centre, and have it checked out.

Clive also had a docs appointment on Monday. I knew I should have gone with him. I knew he would forget something. I don't like the fact that the doc has doubled Clives dose of Effexor. I dread trying to get him off it. He has also changed his medication for his oesophagitis. And his painkillers too. We just wanted to be able to get some sleep. We are both pretty close to mental and physical exhaustion. Neither of us has slept properly for months. And of course, our bodies are used to all these disturbed nights. So we are taking a long time to settle into a new sleeping pattern. I think last night I only woke up about four or five times, and i managed to get straight back to sleep more then half of those times. I would really love to be able to go to sleep, and stay asleep until it is time to wake up in the morning. A full night asleep.

I am going through another stage of not having the motivation, energy or enthusiasm to do anything. I haven't read any emails today, and I haven't made the four phonecalls should have.
I really just don't care.

Shunya is really driving me crazy. She is beautiful, she is sweet, she is smart, but she will NOT be housebroken. It has NEVER taken me this long to toilet train a pup. I don't know what it is with her. She will go for days without any accidents, then I get four or five in the same day. She is also constantly annoying the other dogs. I wish one would put her in her place.

I feel odd. A strange, unwelcome feeling. Like I don't belong. Why should I feel that in my own home?

Oh well. Whatever it is, I cant do anything about it.

My grand niece

2006-04-03T11:24:00.000+01:00

It was my grandnieces christening yesterday. I had to go. I didn't really want to go out. But I couldn't let them down. Such a special day. Bobbieleigh Miya Shaw. Such a beautiful little girl. And smart as anything. But maybe I am biased!

Anyway. Some pics.Too much for a little girl! So pretty. Beautiful dress for a beautiful little girl.

Two great-grandmas with Bobbieleigh. Two great-grandmas, AND a grandma!!

Me and my great niece Bobbileigh.

Bobbieleigh and her grandma (My kid sister Hez).

So now you see where I was yesterday. But I still made it home in time for the race!!

TONY WON!!!

My friends

2006-04-02T18:30:00.000+01:00

Thank you my friends, for leaping to my defence. However, I have now received an apology which I truly believe was made from the heart.

I have posted an acceptance of the apology on the blog.

Each day, you all make me reassess my belief in the good of humans. For the better.

My friends. Thank you. Each and every one of you. You are truly the kings and queens of humanity at its very best. And I love you all.

Now do me a favour. Go cheer on Tony to win :)

Okay, Okay. I know you are not THAT good a friend (except Clance of course. And any other Tony fan.

thanks

2006-04-02T10:11:00.000+01:00

Looks like Babs is not the only one who has people who post before they think.

A wonderful post about me.

http://www.thesarahbrown.blogspot.com/

Just in case she decides not to post my comment thanking her for the extra traffic, here it is in its entirety.

Thank you for your wonderful post about my donation button. I am sure you know all about me.
The fact I cant work due to severe depression. As it happens, yes, I DO have some wonderful
people who, rather then ridicule my need to stay online so I dont lose contact with the outside
world, have donated enough money now,to keep me online for the next few months.
I am sure you enjoy all the wonderful things that your money can buy. Unfortunately, I have
enough to do nothing. No, I dont have digital cable or satellite, no, I dont own a car, no I dont
drink, smoke, do drugs or anythng else that costs money. The only "luxury" I have is my internet.
Which is the only way I can keep in touch with my friends around the world.
Thank you for raising my profile.
Now if you would like to go visit the hundreds of others who have donation buttons, I am sure they
would welcome the way you bring more traffic to our blogs.

Thank you.

Tazfan

Might as well cut the internet connection now.

How

2006-04-01T21:54:00.000+01:00

Today felt strange. Not for any specific reason. Just strange. I feel sad, and yet there is nothing for me to be sad about. I am loved, by a special man, and by my children, and by my friends, and by my dogs. I am needed, and wanted. But I feel so sad. I don't know how best to explain it, other then the intense sadness you feel when something you love is lost. Do I feel anything different? Maybe. I almost feel like I can feel a lessening of my love for the people who matter most to me. But I don't know if that is it. I know I would still give my life to save that of any of those I love.

I sat today, and thought. Of the past, and the future, and of how, or why, or even IF I could change anything. I don't think I would. I thought about being able to change Philips death, but then I wouldn't be married to Clive. Each thing I thought about, I thought what, and who, would change if I changed them or it. I know that my future is in my hands. And I know that I have many choices to make. The choices I make affect not only me, but everyone I touch. Be it physically, mentally, or any other way. Each action on my part can change the life of thousands. Maybe some that are alive now, and those that are to come after. My descendants

Life is more then just today. It stretches infinitesimally both forward and back in time. My life is due to my Mother and Father. Theirs, to their parents, and their parents, and their parents. My life was saved by doctors, who had parents, and grandparents of their own. My children have their children. And so on it goes. And on, and on. Stretching throughout time. Maybe , in a hundred years, if our planet still survives, my descendants will ask about me. What legacy have I left for them? I don't mean material legacy. I mean the legacy of my being. Have I been the best I could be? Have I struggled my hardest to forge forward? Or have I been guilty of simply trying to be? Maybe that IS my best. Maybe that is what I am here for. To provide no more then a bridge between generations. And if that is my purpose in life then I have fulfilled it. I was a life created, and I , in my turn, have created life of my own. Now my children go on, to complete their part in the whole circle of life. They were born, they create children, they die.

When I die, will anyone truly be sad? Will anyone truly miss me. Yes, they will. And no matter who you are, someone will be sad when you are gone. Someone will miss you. Our lives belong, not just to us, but to the entire human race. Because each of us touches others, who touch others, who touch others. There is no greater loss from this planet then death. Be it man, woman child, animal, insect. Each death is mourned in its own way.

Be aware. No one is truly alone. You just have to reach out. Someone will always take your hand if you reach far enough.

I dedicate this post to my friends, my family, my pets. To those who have given me a reason to live. And a reason FOR my life. My purpose is to love each and every one of you. If you return my love, then I am doing a good job. If you don't, then I am not trying hard enough. I am sorry. I will try harder.

Next one up

2006-04-01T14:52:00.000+01:00

Hi. My name is Mishka. I am third in line in the Klaufi pack. I am a little different to the others who live with our Mum and Dad. To start with, I wasn't bred by Jackie. I wish I was. She is so nice. Yes, I have met her. Lots of times. She is a real dogs friend. I was bred by a man called Terry. Mum doesn't know that much about my puppyhood. I came into Mums life when I was nearly 2.
But what she does know is that I was from an accidental mating. My furmum and my furdad were brother and sister. Terry was away for a few days, and the woman who was looking after us didn't know that my furmum was in season. So she didn't keep us separated. I was one of the results. There were six of us I think. I couldn't count then. I was very young!! The one thing I got from the mating was something I could have done without. I was born with only one eye. Now, whether or not that was a direct result of the mating, or some other problem, we don't know. But all the other pups in my litter were okay.

My human Mum got me because Terry considered me to be faulty. He was going to have me put to sleep. He owns a security firm, and provides guard dogs to patrol other peoples premises. He had been trying to train me to be a guard dog. But I don't like being nasty. I love being gentle, and quiet, and loving. Terry phoned Jackie and asked her if she wanted me. He told her that, if she didn't, I would be put to sleep. Jackie didn't have room for me, but she took me anyway. Jackie thinks every dog has a purpose. I am a very good nanny to pups, and I play with very young children. I let them stick their fingers up my nose, and in my ears, and in my eye. And I never even try to bite them. I don't even growl. Lots of children in Mums family have learned to walk by holding on to my coat, and I walk slowly beside them. I love just sitting and letting people fuss me.

Jackie phoned my Mum and asked if she could take me. Mum didn't really have room but Jackie knew she wouldn't be able to resist me. So Mum came to see me. I liked her so much that I tried to sit on her lap and give her sloppy kisses!! Mum didn't mind. She asked Jackie how I had coped with all the dogs, with having only one eye. Jackie said something about me having dog-sense. I don't know what that is, but, because I have never HAD an eye on my left side, I have never missed one. Lots of people have been very surprised when Mum tells them I only have one eye.

Mum decided she would find room for me somehow. We went in the car and we went to Mums house. I met other dogs there. I met Tippi, and Dookie, and Kita. Kita didn't like me very much at first. But we got to be friends after a while. Mum said Kita was scared of anything new. I don't know why.

Mum soon discovered that I was very gentle and loving. And very pretty. She says my only fault is being a little jealous when anyone touches Mum or talks to her. Especially when she talks on the phone. I whine and bark a bit. I only do it because I don't want Mum to be hurt. So I let everyone know I am there to protect her. I love my Mum very much. And she loves me. I try so hard to be gentle all the time. When anyone gives me a treat, they all say that they don't even feel me take the treat out of their hands. Do you think that's good?

I am now six. I was going to have some puppies, but I only produced two, and they were so big that they got stuck, I had to have a big operation, and both my babies died. Mum said she would never put me through that again. She was so upset. So upset for me, and upset for my babies. Mum thought I would be a fantastic Mum. I think she was probably right. But instead I am a nanny to all the other puppies who come through this house! As long as Mum and Dad love me I know I will be alright. My Mum is special.

The picture up there ^ is of me and Mums newest baby, Shunya. I love playing with her. And here is another one, where we are out playing in the yard. We were playing tag. I would run away and Shunya would chase me, then when she caught me, I would chase her. Mum says we are crazy!!

So?

2006-03-31T20:36:00.000+01:00

You have now met two of my furbabies. What can I say. I love them to bits. they keep me sane. They keep me alive. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my dogs. And they ask nothing in return except to be fed, and loved, and played with, and walked. They keep me warm in winter, when they snuggle up to me, or lie across me feet. they know when I am sad, or happy. They know if I just need to cry into their necks. Whatever I need, my dogs try to provide it. And this is after people, I cant call them human, have so badly abused them. I feel I have accomplished so much when I restore an abused dog to a fit, well, happy dog.

I have three more dogs who will each give you their stories. But not today. The stories each made me cry. When I think about how cruel people can be. Not just to animals, but to other people too. And WE are supposed to be the civilised ones!! Yeah, sure.

Okay. Now I have to try to stop crying again. And I just found out Tony was fastest in practice (Thanks Babs, via Ben :) ) that makes me pretty happy :)

2ND in line

2006-03-31T18:52:00.000+01:00

Hello. My name is Kita.This is a pic my Mum loves, because I look so funny. I was begging for a piece of bacon. But I am such a good girl, I wouldn't take it without Mum telling me I could.

I am 6 years old. I am an absolutely gorgeous bi-colour German Shepherd. I hope you don't go purely on appearances, because I am very small. Not small as in very thin or anything. It's just that I am not very tall. And that was because of some very, VERY nasty humans. I know not everyone is like those horrible people, and I am so glad that there are people like my human Mum, who can take on those of us dogs who have been "damaged" by other humans, and restore our trust.

You have already been told by Ben about how it was at our breeders. I was bred by Jackie, as were most of Mums dogs. Jackie is the same with ALL her babies. She loves her dogs as much as is humanely possible. My registered name is Aaronby Issadoras Cascade, but Mum just calls me Kita. Because Jackie has lots of dogs, she has lots of puppies, well, not HER personally, but her furrymums do. So the odd one of us slips through the net. The couple who came to choose me to be their furbaby seemed very nice. They cuddled lots of us puppies, and finally chose me. I was just as big as the rest on my siblings. A nice big girl. Life was quite good for a little while, until I was five months old. Then the couple who bought me split up.

The lady kept me, and she moved in with another man. He didn't like me. But he didn't let the lady know. When my lady went to work in the evenings he was supposed to feed me. But he never did. And he hit me. He hit me with metal bars. I grew very scared of everything. And I didn't grow. The lady couldn't understand why I wasn't growing. The man didn't tell her that he hit me, or that he never fed me.

The lady took me to a place that smelled very odd. I didn't like it. But a man in a green coat looked at me. He felt me all over, he stuck something sharp in my leg, and some red stuff came out. He was very gentle, and very kind. He talked to me, quietly, and I felt safe. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. He made us wait outside in a big room where there were lots of other animals waiting. Some cats, some dogs, some odd things with big ears. They scared me. I cowered under the bench.

After a little while the green coat man called us back into the special room. He said that he had confirmed that I was something called malnourished. He said I only weighed half of what I should weigh. My lady couldn't understand why. She told the green coat man that I was fed three times a day. He said they were not feeding me enough then. The green coat man stuck the sharp thing in my leg again, but this time he was putting something in, not taking it out.

The lady took me home. She had water leaking from her eyes. I tried to lick it away. She looked so sad. When we got back to the house the man was there. She told him what green coat man had said. She asked if he had been feeding me enough in the evening. The man got angry, and he hit her. I tried to protect her, but I was only a baby, and I wasn't very big. The man kicked me hard. He hurt my back. The lady grabbed me and we ran away. We went to the ladys friends house. The lady phoned Jackie. She told her what happened and asked if I could go back to Jackies as she had nowhere to stay. Jackie said of course I could.

Jackie came to fetch me, and after a long talk, the lady asked Jackie to find me a new home. My lady was crying. She knelt down on the floor and cuddled me. She was leaking water from her eyes again. I was very sad. But I didn't want to go back to where that man was.

Jackie had a long telephone conversation with someone, and arranged for them to come the next day. I didn't know who she was talking to, but I could see that Jackie was not happy. She sat on the floor and gave me lots of cuddles. She kept talking to me, saying she was sorry. But it wasn't her fault I had been hurt, and I tried to tell her that.

While I was there, one of my sisters came back to visit Jackie. I didn't recognise her at first. She had been smaller then me when we were babies. Now she was a lot taller then me, and she was much fatter. I looked like a baby next to her. It made me sad that I could have been like my sister, but wasn't. I was much smaller.

The next day a lady came to see Jackie. She didn't look at me, she didn't try to touch me. She made a big fuss of all the other dogs, but I didn't want to get close to her in case she was going to hit me. But after a while I thought I wanted to smell her. S I moved closer, ready to run away if she tried to touch me. But she didn't. She just carried on petting the other dogs and talking to Jackie. I felt safe, so I went closer. She still didn't look at me. I wanted the fusses that the other dogs were getting, so I put my nose in her hand. She stopped petting the others and just let me sniff her hand. Then she very slowly put her hand on my neck and gave the fur there a gentle ruffle. I knew I was safe, and started to rub my head against her hand. It felt so nice.

The lady was my new Mum. I went in the car and was taken to Mums house. There were already two dogs there. One like me, called Tippi, and a big hairy thing called Dookie. I found out later that he was a Rough collie, and that his breed was also called lassie collies. They both greeted me, and asked me if i wanted to play. I wasn't sure so I went and sat by my Mum. She gave me a new collar, and showed me a new bed, and gave me some toys to play with. After a little while Mum called Tippi and Dookie and she put down bowls of lovely food. Lots of it. I bolted it, because I wasn't sure if there would be any more. But a few hours later Mum offered me some more food. Only a little, but more!

That night I cried a little. I was supposed to sleep downstairs with Dookie, but I was scared. So Mum came down and got me, and I went upstairs to be with Tippi. Oh it felt nice. Tippi told me not to worry. Mum looked after us very well. The next morning there was more food. And a walk. A LONG walk. It was lovely. I played with Tippi and Dookie.

Now I am a lucky girl. Mum loves me very much, and I have had 15 beutiful little girls and boys. They are all normal sized. Ben is their Daddy. Here's a pic of one of my first puppies. This is Carly. She looks like I would have done if I hadn't been starved and hit. Isn't she beautiful?
She is such a clever girl too. She has learned all sorts of things with her new owner, Mike. I am so glad that all my puppies have gone to really nice homes, with peiople who love and care for them. I would never want any dog to go through the things I did.

So now, I live with Mum, Dad, and the rest of the Klaufi pack. We are happy, healthy, well fed dogs. I am so lucky to have a Mum who cares so much. She is alwwys hapy to take on dogs who have been abused. I know we make it hard for her. We dont trust people at first, and it takes a long time to get to forget everything that happened, and learn to trust Mum and Dad. But they take the time and make the effort. I love my Mum, and I know my Mum loves me.

Here's a pic of me looking quite well. I like this pic. And one more of Mums favourite pics of me.

Dont you think I am a pretty girl now?

Da Main Dawg

2006-03-31T10:42:00.000+01:00

Okay. Peaches and Franky told me I should get my pack to do write ups, like they did. I can do it, So can Kita, and Mishka, but I think Inka, and that daft pup Shunya, might have a little trouble with it. But I am sure Mum will help them if they need it. So, here goes.

Hi. I'm Ben. Well, that's what Mum calls me, but my real name is Aaronby Vivid Colour. Mum said she is not standing outside yelling THAT at me to get me to come in. She says by the time she had finished calling it out, I would have run off! This is one of my Mums favourite picture of me.
Its not the best pic, but it was one of the first ones she took after I stopped being so frightened.
You see, I didn't have the best start in life. The lady who bred me, and my brothers and sisters, is a lovely lady named Jackie. She is one of Mums best friends. She got my Mum and Dad together, and looked after Mum really well until we were born. Then she took such wonderful care of us. She played with us every day. For the first four weeks of our life we stayed upstairs in the whelping room. It was nice and warm there. And safe. So very safe.
But when we were four weeks old, we went down to live in the kitchen.

Jackie has lots of other dogs, and they all came to meet us then. They were VERY big, well, big to us anyway. Jackie still played with us every day. And never came past our pen without stopping to talk to us, and give some of us a cuddle.When we were six weeks old other people came to see us. They seemed to want something. Sometimes Jackie said yes to them, and sometimes she said no. I learned later that they wanted to buy some of us. But Jackie only ever sold us to people who she thought would look after us as well as she did. She said no to people who really only wanted a status symbol, or they wanted to make us vicious and nasty. We are not like that naturally you know. That is how people make us.

Anyway, a lady came to see Jackie. She told her that she had lost her GSD bitch. I thought that was really careless until mum explained that it meant her dog had gone to the Rainbow Bridge. That made me sad. The lady talked to Jackie for a long time. Jackie told her that she needed another bitch puppy. I had five sisters so there were plenty to choose from. But the lady said she wanted a dog this time. Jackie wasn't really sure, but she gave her the benefit of the doubt. Jackie explained that dogs need diffferent handling to bitches. The lady said she understood. She paid Jackie some money and took me away. I was frightened.

When we got to the ladys home there was another dog there. He was blind, and every noise made him bark. It hurt my ears. I have big ears, and they are sensitive. At first I tried to play with the other dog, but he kept biting me, and eventually the lady started keeping us in seperate rooms. She always took the other dog out for walks, but she never took me. She said it was too much time wasted. So I stayed in the house. Whenever anyone came to see the lady she locked me in a different room. So I never learned to greet people, and I started getting very, very scared. Of everything. The lady phoned Jackie and told her she couldn't do anything with me. She didn't tell Jackie about leaving me locked in rooms on my own so I never met anyone, or that she didn't take me for walks. Jackie offered to take me back and train me. Oh it was so nice to be back with my Mum and Dad, and all the other members of Jackies pack.

Jackie taught me to not be afraid, and how to walk nicely on a lead. She taught me how to greet people, by sitting down and letting them stroke me. It felt nice. When she had taught me enough, Jackie phoned the lady and she came to get me. I thought it was all going to be different. But it wasn't. The lady still wouldn't let me meet people, and she still wouldn't walk me. So after another month, she phoned Jackie and said I was back how I was originally. Jackie got very angry. She knew that I tried hard to be a good dog, and she knew that I needed lots of attention. I was a growing puppy. Jackie told the lady she would buy me back. The lady took me back to Jackies, and the next day another lady came to see me. She didn't chase me when I didn't want to meet her. She just sat on the floor in the kitchen, playing with my Mum and Dad, and some other puppies that Jackie had. She smelled of other dogs. Happy dogs. I couldn't restrain my curiosity and went over to sniff at her. She didn't try to catch me. She just talked softly to me, and waited until I put my nose on her arm before she offered me her hand. I licked her hand. I liked this lady. All this time, Jackie had been talking to the lady, and I found out she had four other dogs. All related to me somehow. The lady stood up. I went and sat by her side. She stroked my head. It felt so nice.

The lady was my new mum. THIS Mum, and I love her. She loves me too. I was still so very scared of everything when I got to my new Mums house, and would hide when new people came in. That's what I thought I had to do you see. Because the other lady took me away from people.
But Mum taught me not to be afraid. That she wouldn't let anyone hurt me. All the other dogs tried to be my friends, but I didn't know how to play anymore. Slowly, I learned. And I learned it could be FUN. So I played, and I met people, and I went for walks!! WALKS!! I love walks. People see me and want to stroke me because I am so handsome. I AM handsome you know!! Just look at me now! I know I look a bit scruffy in this pic. I was changing my coat. I call it my casual look.
But I am big, strong, bouncy and full of fun now. And I am Daddy to 15 little boys and girls. All who are good boys and girls. Mum made sure that they all went to very, very good homes. She asks people lots of questions when they come to see our puppies. And if they don't answer them all in the right way Mum tells them that they cant have one of our babies.

I love lying with my head on Mums feet as she types on the computer. I know she has shown my picture to lots of people on the internet (that's what she says. I don't know what it means) because she reads me all the compliments I get from people.

So now I live my life happily. Surrounded by my family pack. Mum and Dad at the top, Then Kita and myself, then Mishka, then Inka, and finally the little furbucket Shunya. She is Mums newest baby. And even though she is a pain in the butt right now, she will become a big, beautiful, loving, friendly girl. How do I know? Because she has my Mum and Dad to teach her. And they LOVE us all. We are always getting hugs and cuddles. They play with us, they teach us. They love us, and we love them.

So. Hope I didn't bore you with my story.

Love.

BEN

Not my favourite type of person

2006-03-29T22:41:00.000+01:00

What is it with all these people who think the world owes them a living? "I didn't ask to be born" is a favourite thing for them to say. I would LOVE to reply with "and I almost wish you hadn't been", but I am just too civilised to say it. Cant stop me thinking it though.

Had a rather stupid conversation with someone over the phone today. How did I like my life of leisure? WHAT leisure? Okay, I dont go out to work, I cant. I have been told not to by my doctor. But that doesn't mean I sit around doing nothing all day. I have a husband to care for, and five dogs who all need grooming, and walking, and feeding, and playing with, and training every day! Then I have the housework to do. You think it does itself? Who do you think I am? Mary Poppins?
Yes, I try to get everything done quickly so I can have some time on the computer, but I do have other things to do. And anyway, being at home all day isn't always that much fun. I dont see anyone unless they come round to my house. I dont go anywhere. I cant afford to. I am in danger of becoming a recluse. My people skills are one step up from dead right now. And that is not good. I cant keep retreating inside myslef. It just wont work. I have to venture out SOMETIMES.

I have started re-reading Stephen Kings The Dark Tower Series. And I am really enjoying it.
I read pretty quickly, so I can finish a paperback in a day easily. Hardbacks take me a couple of hours longer sometimes. I end up with aching wrists from holding the book.

I wonder what the people I once knew are doing now. When I was young, I had a great group of friends, but I dont know where any of them are now. Strange, how they just jumped into my mind then.

Oh well. I suppose I had better go and do something leisurely, like walk the dogs.

Mail

2006-03-28T11:36:00.000+01:00

I am so sick of junk mail coming through my door. Seems like every day there is more new stuff. It's bad enough with all the junk in my email inbox. Mailman is quite nice though. If he has to knock with a parcel, or anything too big to go through the letterbox, he always apologises for all the junk. I know its not his fault. He just has to deliver whatever he is given. Must make his job harder too. If every house has junk mail, his mail sack must be REALLY heavy! Got me thinking about other jobs, and how they must get put on too. I know when I was a riding instructor, it seemed like every other day soeone was wanting me to go check thier horse, or go with them to view a new horse they were thinking of buying. I guess i didn't mind too much, as it was all about horses, but it didn't leave me much time for my studying, or even my own leisure time.

Life carries on as normal, and I get carried along with it. Each day becoming another test. To pass the test, you have to get to the end of the day. I've been doing pretty well at it just lately. Okay, I've had some days when it was a struggle, but if I am honest, I didn't have to work THAT much harder to make it. Each day, I can congratulate myself on another test passed. Hey, I'm a winner! I dont think I will ever WIN the race, but I am taking part, and I am, at least, completing the course.

I wish I could get to grips with Photoshop. Clive needs some decals for his models, the ones he is keeping, and I just cant work out how best to use Photoshop. I used to have a programme that was nice and easy for me to use. But that was on the Amiga, and it wont work on here. The work on the decals is fiddly and because they are so small (30mm x 3mm) it is to easy to make a mistake and not see it. I tried zooming in on the image, but when I reduced it again, and tried to save it, It saved at the bigger size. I am a Photoshop virgin. This is the first time I have used it. If I cant work out how to do stuff, I wont be using it again. Which is a shame, as it is far more use then the programme I am using now. IPhoto 4. These are what I am trying to do. The Dawson one is about the right size. I set the measurments for them all at the same size, but you see my problem? The Staniers and Wells ones are both WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too big!!

My back has been hurting again. Woke up this morning and felt like my back had been stomped by a brahma bull! I had to get Clive to rub some heat treatment into it. The massaging felt good.
But I really do need to get a new mattress. If only they weren't almost as expensive as buying a complete new bed!!

Got a great shot of Inka. Dont know what she was screwing her face up at, but she looked so comical I just HAD to get a shot.

Not a great day, but not a bad one.

2006-03-27T20:15:00.000+01:00

Not much sleep last night. The race ran a lot longer then I expected it to. I was disappointed how Tony dropped back through the field after having a great car through most of the race. Of course, I missed hearing about all the stuff that happened afterwards. I was chatting to a friend in Canada during, and after the race. Kind of hard to concentrate on three windows, at the same time, in the middle of the night! Finally got to go to bed at 3.45am but didn't get to sleep until around 5am. Then I had to get up again with the dogs at 6.45am. I feel exhausted.

A programme on the TV today has bought some bad memories back. Its about a teenage girl who was murdered a few years ago She was attacked after her boyfriend left her at her gate after a night out. Her boyfriend looked in his rear view mirror as he drove off, and saw her going through the gate. She was attacked and murdered between her own front gate and her front door. I remember a similar incident when I was young. I had been dropped off by my friends and was walking down the drive to the riding school I taught at. A man came out of the stables and grabbed me. If it hadn't been for George, the watch goose (yes, that IS correct, he was a goose) I don't know what he would have done. But George hated strangers, and he kept pecking at him. Don't know if you have ever been pecked by a goose, but it hurts! Anyway, while George was pecking him, I pulled free and ran into the porch and locked the door. How easy would it have been for me to be hurt, or even killed. After a life of physical , sexual, and mental abuse that attack left me deeply disturbed for some time. Even now, I wont walk alone at night unless I have to. I will even ask my son to come and meet me from wherever I am, and get him to walk me home. If I have to go out, to the local shop, or the post box, I take at least one of the dogs.

The abuse I suffered as a child certainly made me into a different person. For a long time I thought the only way anyone male would like me would be if I offered myself on a plate. I still hate myself. I still believe, a little bit, that it must have been my fault that my step-father abused me. No matter how many people tell me it wasn't. That is the sort of damage that people suffer. Damage that cant be seen. I have such low self image that I cant believe people could possibly like me. They must keep me around for some other reason. Most people cant even begin to imagine how it feels to be so disgusted with yourself. How you can loathe yourself and wish, so much, that you weren't here to poison the earth. I am fat. I am ugly, I am stupid. But before you all start yelling anything, I have one thing that I never really thought I would have. I have people who care about me. Who dont care how I look, what I weigh, or anything like that. They like me for being me. And they are the people that help keep me sane.I may never have met some of them, I may NEVER meet some of them, but I know they care. And I care about them. Deeply. I just wish I had found these people before I wrecked my life. Thats something I have to live with. But I'll survive. With help, I will survive.

So generous

2006-03-26T10:59:00.000+01:00

I really didn't think the donation button would work. But I am now only £5.00 (around $8.80) short of paying next months internet bill. I cant believe people can be so generous. I know one thing for certain. The minute I have any spare money, it is going on someones donation button!! What goes around, comes around.

Days like yesterday are far too rare. I had a good chat with two friends of mine last night. They made me see a few things that i guess I already knew, I just wouldn't believe tham. Thanks Laz and Phil. Hope you come by my blog again. The day turned out to be a fairly positive one. I had some fun along the way. I wish every day could end like that. The only thing that ended up wrong, was that I couldn't join my other friends in a chat. It started way too late for me. I was trying to stay up for it, but I was just so tired that I couldn't make it. I had to get some sleep while I actually felt tired.

I wish it was easier to learn things. I struggle to remember things I have been told. I used to have a really good memory. People would tell me phone numbers, addresses, birthdays etc and Icould ALWAYS remember them. But since I had a really bad car accident in 1998, I struggle to remember most things. I want to learn, but I just cant keep the stuff in my head.

Oh well. Good thing I have good friends, who remind me.

Wonderful, sweet sleep

2006-03-25T09:44:00.000Z

I slept right through last night. Didn't even wake up once. It felt wonderful. And not only that, but I didn't dream either, or at least, I cant recall any dreams. My dreams are usually incredibly vivid, and I can remember them all. I wake up with the same feelings I had in my dream. Well, this morning, NOTHING!! No fear, no unhappiness, no loneliness, no pain. It feels so good. And I don't feel anywhere NEAR as tired as I have been. I have no idea why. I don't really care. I'm just glad that I finally got to get some proper sleep.

The dogs all seem a little better this morning. They all kept their breakfast down. And they are all very playful today. I love watching dogs play. They just act crazy until they are so tired they just fall down. Wish I could be like that. But I cant. So I'll just watch my dogs play instead. At the moment Ben is running round the yard with a HUGE bone in his mouth, Shunya is chasing him to try to get the bone. Its height and weight and brains against youth, and speed, and agility. I know who will win. Ben will let Shunya catch him and take the bone. He is SUCH a big softie. But I love him to bits. I love them all. They help me keep my sanity. I have to be strong because they would have no one if I wasn't here.

I have been having a great time surfing blogs with BlogMad. I have found some awesome blogs and will be back to view them again. Its a fantastic way to find new blogs to read.

Here's a pic that I took a couple of weeks ago. I love the look on my grandaughters face, and the one on the face of Shunya :) Thats Mishka in the crate. She was in season, so she couldn't play in case Ben got her.

Now what?

2006-03-24T22:48:00.000Z

I am really tired today. Not sure why. I did sleep last night, which is unusual. Clive only had to get up once because of his legs (he has restless legs) but it woke me up. And I woke another two times, but went straight back to sleep.
Three of the five dogs are not quite right today. They have been sick, but are still eating and drinking and playing okay. I am not too worried. I think it might be the meat they had. I usually give them tinned dog food along with a complete dry food they like. But the company that made the food had a huge fire at their tinning factory and I cant get the food, so they are on what we call chub. Its like a sausage of processed meat. I think they might be reacting to that. Its not their usual food. And its the only thing that links all three of them. And the other two dogs are fine.
Such a boring day. But I did make some waterslide decals for one of Clives model trucks. It had Matts car on. And another one I did had the Cat car on it. Cant remember who is driving that one this year. I suppose I ought to go and look, but I am just too tired to care right now.
I printed up the invitations for my great nieces christening today. Took ages to get the sizing right. I really should learn how to use Photoshop, or something like that, instead of relying on the very simple IPhoto 4 that I use. It would have been so much easier to resize it in Photoshop I'm sure.
I am enjoying a really nice mug of banoffee drinking chocolate. Its nice and thick and frothy and creamy, but its not got loads of calories in.
I dont know why, but I felt quite lonely today. No idea of why that should be, but its how I felt. Almost like I was the only person left in the world. Oh well. IT'll pass. No point dwelling on it really, is there?

Right. Off to bed for me. Just got to let the dogs out for the final time into the back yard. Then see if I can beat Shunya upstairs so that she doesn't get to lie on the bed!!

Visitors

2006-03-24T11:19:00.000Z

I see I have had a visit from a member of the free'n'Easy set. Hello. Anything interesting to report?

Thanks Babs, Branica works really well. I noticed quite a few interesting things on there.

Hello to all my new visitors. You probably wont find much to interest you here unless you are into Nascar, German Shepherds, friends, Tony Stewart, Garth Brooks, or suffer from depression. But I dont mind. I dont write this blog for anyone else. Just me and my friends. I do have a lot of friends.

Allans appointment at the docs

2006-03-23T19:40:00.000Z

Chattymoon asked how my sons appointment went. It actually went quite well. I had best tell you the entire story. It might help you understand a little more. Allan went to Pakistan to visit a friend. When he was leaving the country he was arrested. They said he was smuggling drugs. He was kept in Islamabad prison for six months before he was taken to court. He was found not guilty. But they would not release him from prison. It was another six months before the authorities decided to tell the British consulate that Allan would be free to go. The hitch? They wanted £5000 for the cost of his keep. He was kept in a cell 6 feet square with two other inmates. They had one blanket between the three of them. There was no toilet facilities in the cell. Not even a bucket. And they were kept locked in the cell all the time they were not working. They had to cook their own meals, if any of them could afford anything to eat. They existed on rice and some stuff he told me about that I cant remember the name of. Allan wont tell anyone what else happened there. But I have my own theories which I will not reveal on here. Anyway. We sold almost everything we owned and got the £5000 together. Got it to the Foreign Office and they got it out to the British Consulate in Pakistan. Then the prison said they had 'lost' Allans passport, and they wanted another £2000 to get him another one that would allow him to leave the country.We couldn't get any more money. We had nothing left to sell. We couldn't get loans from banks or anywhere else. So we said we would not pay it. When they eventually realised they were not getting any more money they 'found' Allans passport. They kicked him out of the prison, with no money, nowhere to go. Its lucky that Allan could already speak a little of the Pakistani language before he went over there. He managed to find someone who would let him stay with them for three days, until the British consulate could fund a plane home. When he came home we wwere so shocked. His teeth were rotting, he was so thin that he looked like a walking skeleton. He weighed less then half of what he should weigh. He is six feet four inches and he weighed 5 stone ( 70 pounds ). He had nightmares on the rare occasions he could get to sleep. He was in a really bad state. He has suffered since he came back with all sorts of problems.

Right, thats you up to date. The doc had been trying to use anti-depressants to help stablilise his moods, but that hasn't been working. Another side effect of the PTSD (yes Linda, you are right, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is that Allan now has alopecia gravis. He has lost all his hair. There are little tufts growing back. but thats all. and its taken from August last year to just get a couple of bits of fluff on his head. The doc has decided that Allan needs more specialist care then he can give him, and has now referred him to a Psychoanalyst (sp) and also a hair specialist (dont as me to tell you what they are called. I know is a tri somethingorother). I hope Allan can get SOMETHING working for him. He wont talk about his experiences unless you really push him, and i dont want to do that. It hurts him too much. The doc HAS given Allan some very strong sleeping tablets, which he has been told to use ONLY when he has not slept for a few days. I cant say I really trust this doc, but that is just my opinion. As you know, if you have read my blog about my first husband, I dont trust ANY doc very much.

I feel like we ARE getting somewhere now. Things are being moved up a gear, in an attempt to find something that helps Allan. I just hope its not too long before they DO find something. I dont think it will do Allan much good to stay like this. Its already been 5 years since he came back from Pakistan, and he is no different, apart form having put on enough weight to NOT look like a Belsen inmate! Even now though, he only weighs 10 stone (140 pounds) which is not enough for him. He needs at least another 20 pounds I think.

It works! It works!!

2006-03-23T18:56:00.000Z

The donation button works!! Thanks to a very special lady (you know who you are) I am now half way to next months internet fees!!AWESOME!! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

2006-03-23T16:01:00.000Z

From the same blog as yesterday. A story that had meaning to me when I read it.

Horror gripped the heart of a World War-I soldier, as he saw his lifelong friend fall in battle.

The soldier asked his Lieutenant if he could go out to bring his fallen comrade back.

"You can go," said the Lieutenant, "but I don't think it will be worth it. Your friend is probably dead and you may throw your life away."

The Lieutenant's words didn't matter, and the soldier went anyway.

Miraculously, he managed to reach his friend, hoisted him onto his shoulder and brought him back to their company's trench.

The officer checked the wounded soldier, then looked kindly at his friend. " I told you it wouldn't be worth it," he said. "Your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded."

"It was worth it, Sir," said the soldier. "What do you mean by worth it?" responded the Lieutenant. " Your friend is dead."

"Yes Sir," the soldier answered, "but it was worth it because when I got to him, he was still alive and I had the satisfaction of hearing him say...."Jim...I knew you'd come."

Many times in life, whether a thing is worth doing or not, really depends on how you look at it. Take up all your courage and do something your heart tells you to do so that you may not regret not doing it later in your life........

Author Unknown

What a day

2006-03-23T15:38:00.000Z

Today is the day I do my shopping. We get our benefits paid every two weeks, on a Thursday. I do all the shopping then. I borrow my sisters car so I can get it all done in one go. I started early today. I had to go get gas and electric because we had all but run out of both. The gas went last night. So no heating at all. The electric was just about enough to check that the money had gone into the bank, and check my email. I hate being so restricted on what I can do. Anyway, I went and got the gas and electric, put them into the meter so Clive could be warm while I was out. Then I went shopping. I don't normally hit Tesco until around 10.30am, but this time I was there at 8.30am. It was WONDERFUL!!! Quiet, hardly anyone around. Parking spaces wherever I wanted to park. I see why Babs likes to shop at night now! Call me a convert!! I had all my shopping done by 11.00am, which was good, because my son had an appointment at the doctors at 12.20pm, and he wont go unless I go with him. He has PTSD, and cant cope with seeing people on his own. He just clams up and wont tell them anything. Anyway, the doc decided that they would treat his anxiety first. They tried to treat the PTSD but were getting nowhere. The doc is referring him to a specialist for the PTSD now. He's decided that he is getting nowhere, so it must be far deeper seated then he thought. Allan, my son, also has alopecia. In August last year, his hair just all fell out. He hates how he looks, but there is nothing they can do. The only treatment he could have is very expensive, and Allan doesn't have the money for it. This is my son.

Hopefully, they will find something to help him. He may be a pain in the butt sometimes, but no one deserves to be as messed up as he is.

Work on restoring my computer to its original mess is still ongoing. I cant find half the programmes I had on it before the big crash. And I lost all my serial numbers too. So I have programmes I cant use any more. Ones that I used to use quite a bit. That has got me really annoyed. But, cant be helped.

Feeling a little better today. Don't know if its because I didn't have all my normal hassle while shopping. Maybe that's what it is. I don't know. But I am going to enjoy it while I can.

Fed-up

2006-03-23T07:48:00.000Z

I am getting fed up with Blog Patrol. They said they would be back showing stats on Tuesday. It's now Thursday and no stats. How am I suposed to know how many people have visited my blog?

Brrrrrrrrrrr

2006-03-22T20:36:00.000Z

This is ridiculous. We are scared to put the heating on because there is not enough credit in the meter to last until tomorrow. We are sat here wrapped in blankets and duvets. Shivering, fingers so cold that I cant hit the right keys because my hand is shaking with the cold. I hate living like this. If you can call it living. It is barely even existing. I hate it. I REALLY hate it.

On a slightly happier side. The pain I was feeling in my ankle has subsided (or maybe I am just so cold I cant feel it anymore). I can at least walk again now, without hobbling.

Uplifting

2006-03-22T13:51:00.000Z

I just found this on another blog. I dont know why, but it made me feel a little better. I have read it three or four times now, and each time I see some other message in there. This last time it was that maybe the person with the heavy load I am seeing, is really me!! See what you think. I'm sorry, I dont know who wrote it so I cant credit it to anyone. But I got it from THIS BLOG

Judge Gently

Pray, don't find fault with the man that limps
Or stumbles along the road.
Unless you have worn the shoes he wears
Or struggled beneath his load.

There may be tacks in his shoes that hurt
Though hidden away from view.
Or the burden he bears placed on your back
Might cause you to stumble too.

Don't sneer at the man who's down today
Unless you have felt the blow
That caused his fall or felt the shame
That only the fallen know.

You may be strong but still the blows
That was his if dealt to you
In the selfsame way, at the selfsame time
Might cause you to stagger too.

I dont know how much more I can take.

2006-03-22T10:47:00.000Z

Seems like life is determined to get rid of me somehow. Clive has been haivng a lot of trouble with his legs. At night they hurt. Like someone is sticking nails in them. He just told me that he kept getting up during the night and taking paracetamol. I aksed him how many he took last night. He told me he wasn't sure. Somewhere between 10 and 12!!! Is he trying to kill me? He wont phone the doc and make an appointment. I am going to do it myself if I have to, and recruit my sister to help me get him there if I have to. He is such a pain right now.

I was told by a neighbour this morning, that I look awful. She says she has never seen me look so bad. Wow. now I feel REALLY good.................not!

My monitor gave up the ghost this morning. Luckily I had a spare one upstairs. Its huge, and its old, but I can use it. It doesn't leave me with any room on my desk. EEEEEEEEEEEEEK

No

2006-03-22T09:36:00.000Z

Things are getting worse and worse. The cash situation here is now beyond critical. Clive is selling his collection of diecast buses and trucks. He has been collecting for 40 yrs. Now, we need money so badly that we are selling off everything. I am going to follow Babs lead, and put a paypal donation button here on my blog. Hopefully I can get enough to help me stay online each month. It's either beg, or lose my computer. And if I lose that, then I have nowhere to go. Nowhere. I know everyone is struggling. But maybe some visitor to my blog will take pity on me and donate a dollar or two. Without my internet connection I am nothing. I will cease to exist. I will have no contact with the outside world. I cant carry on like this. I need to get us through the next 8 months then the pressure is eased. Our benefits go up almost enough to allow us to live instead of just exist.
So, if you have a spare dime or two, and would like to help me stay online, then please help.
I hate begging. I really, really do. I feel so low because of it. But I know that if I don't, then I am going to feel so much worse. Please forgive me. Please.

Trying to raise my mood

2006-03-20T21:37:00.000Z

While I was blog surfing I came across two stories that made me stop and think. the first on is this one.

It was a busy morning, approximately 8.30am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9am. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On examination, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redressed his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had an important appointment that morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognised him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is." I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose pimples on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life." True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. "The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the best of everything that comes along their way."

I want to experience love like that again. I know that Phil would have done that for me, as I would for him. But I am so jaded now that I dont know if love like that still exists.

The second story was this one.

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, stubborness, envy, jealousy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, forgiveness, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins Grandfather?"

The old Cherokee Indian simply replied, "The one you feed."

I believe native Americans have some wonderful views on life, living, and the whole world. I always wanted to be an Inidian when I was small. I even asked my Mother how I could become an Indian. She laughed at me.

I have had enough

2006-03-20T10:18:00.000Z

Seems like the end. I know it isn't, but the way things are going, it feels like there is nothing past now. The next minute doesn't want to arrive, and I am left feeling worthless and useless. I see no reason to expect time to carry one. I dont even want it to. Each second just causes more hurt, more pain, more negative feelings. And those all add up to nothing. And that is what I am. Nothing. I have no right to exist, never mind actually live. I dont want to be this way. I want it all to stop. I want it all to go away. Everything. I know it wont go away. I dont even deserve THAT much. But its what i want. I should know better. I know I never get what I want. I dont even get what I need. I dont feel like I ever get anything. Why am I lying to myself, and others too. Why should I inflict myself on others? What have they ever done to deserve me. No one can have EVER been that bad. I dont want anything to keep me down, but it always does. I feel like I cant lift my head out of the water for more then just a gasp of air. enough to keep me alive, but not enough to take away the pain, the terror. I dont know where to go or what to do to make it better. I cant do it. I cant. I dont even want to any more. If only I had never been born. I wouldn't feel this way. I would never have had to go through the emotional and psychological torment. Life just isn't worth the fight any more. I dont know why I keep fighting to stay here. I am not enjoying life. I am not enjoying anything. I cant take it any more. I dont want to.
If I had a choice I would just give up. but something makes me fight. What is it? Why does it still want me here? Is it so life can torture me some more? is that all I am worth? I dont know if I will ever feel any different. Each time I think I have it just drags me back. Even further back then I was before. I dont know how to stop it.

If I get any lower I am giving up

2006-03-18T21:41:00.000Z

Why does it always happen to us? I just dont understand. We try so hard to get ourselves sorted out. And just when we think we have finally got to the top of the hill, something comes along and kicks us waaaaaaaaaaaay back down. I am just so fed-up now. I just feel like giving up. But I know I cant. I just dont know what to do any more. If I had the choice, then maybe........... but I dont have ANY choice do I? Not one. So its just going to grind me into the ground. I cant deal with it any more. Why cant I just let go.

AT LAST!!!

2006-03-17T12:34:00.000Z

Sorry I haven't been around for a little while. I missed all of you terribly, but my computer died. I mean REALLY died. The motherboard blew, and it took one of my hard drives with it. I lost over 30GB of stuf, including emails, my address book, pics, all my favourites in my browser. You name it, if it was important to me, i lost it. You can imagine how I felt about THAT.

If we email at all, I have lost your email addy. So can you please email me? Remind me who you are ( I know that sounds stupid, but I have trouble remembering anything any more).

Anyway. I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

Low

2006-03-11T17:40:00.000Z

I don't really know why, but I seem to lack the be-arsed to do anything. I think of things that need doing, but that's as far as I get. I don't seem to have any energy or enthusiasm for anything. Not even for being on the computer that much. Normally I spend every spare minute on the computer. Even if it is just sitting playing card games or something. But today I don't even want to do that.

John, Janet and the kids came up from Stoke for a flying visit. That normally cheers me up, but not even that is working today. I need someone to kick me in the butt and yell at me to get me doing something. Anything. There is so much I could be doing, but I just cant be bothered. I am so fed up.

I have been craving chocolate all day. There is no chocolate in the house, and I cant afford to go and get any. Why the sudden craving? I mean, I love chocolate, but this is more then just wanting some. I NEED it!

I haven't been training Shunya today either.

I feel lousy. When is it all going to end. I need to get back on my feet.

Hubby

2006-03-09T22:26:00.000Z

Reading back through some of the comments that have been left on here, I have to clear something up. Clive is not a bad husband. I know that he gets really , REALLY scared by his medical problems. He also suffers from depression, and that scares him a lot. He thinks he is going to end up like me. I am not making excuses for him. I just dont want you to think that he's picking on me or anything. I would far rather he did what he has been doing, then he bottle it all up, and it comes out in a way that someone gets physically hurt.

Thanks for caring.

100 good things about me

2006-03-09T16:09:00.000Z

Okay. Here we go again. I am going to keep adding to this list until I have 100 good things I can say about myself.

1. I am a loyal friend.

2. I breed wonderful German Shepherds

3. My husband loves me as much as I love him.

4. I will always try to help people I care about in any way I can.

5. Babs says I have a wonderful sense of humour!

6. I have raised some wonderful kids.

7. I would give all that I have to help a friend in need.

8.

9.

10

I cant seem to win

2006-03-09T15:55:00.000Z

I am now at the heaviest weight I have ever been. All that hard work I did, losing the weight before the med change has been wasted. I now weigh 250 pounds. I feel ugly. I feel SO ugly. I dont even want to set foot outside the door. Today is the day I do my grocery shopping. All teh time I was shopping I kept feeling like everyone was looking at me. Laughing at me. Calling me fat and lazy and stupid. Why do people always assume that, if you are fat, you MUST be stupid? I am NOT stupid. Okay, I am no genius, but I am NOT stupid. Now the problems come. I know whats going to happen. And no matter what I do to try to prevent it, it will still happen. I will get so down that I just eat and eat and eat. Hopefully i will be able to try and just eat things that wont put much weight on me. Fruit and veg. I love eating raw carrot, as long as they are sweet. I have deliberately bought more fruit and veg, and less of the food that I normally eat. No, not fattening food, but food that POTENTIALLY be a fattening food. And I am going to try to go out more. Walk the dogs maybe three times a day instead of twice. And as I have five dogs, who go out in pairs, then that makes six walks instead of three. So I will be doubling my exercise. I have to do something. I cant keep letting myself get so down all the time. I need to feel good about myself. I have to.Or I can see this being a real end of the road situation possibility.

What a day

2006-03-06T21:56:00.000Z

Rotten day today. Woke feeling awful. My head hurt, my back hurt, my neck hurt. My throat felt like someon was sandpapering the inside of it. And my nose felt so blocked that I couldn't breathe. Tried to get myself sorted out, but just didn't hav ethe energy, or anything else.

Took some cute pics of Shunya today. I love taking pics. And with the digital camera I can take as many as I want. Anyway, here's a couple, or maybe three pics of Shunya.

Now tell me that this one isn't funny. She was watching a bird that was sitting outside the house.

Look. both ears are up now. But look at the size of them!!!

Why do all the dogs think my treadmill is the best place for them to lie? Think they might be trying to drop a hint?

Here's one of Shunya with Inka.

2006-03-05T08:28:00.000Z

Had a huge row with Clive last night. Clive has oesophagitis, where the valve that lets food through into the stomach is severely damaged. It swells, tries to repair itself, but in doing so it actually starts sealing itself shut. To give you an idea of the problems that causes, the year before we moved here, Clive had been eating his dinner when he got a terrific pain from his stomach, he felt like he was choking as well. You know the feeling when you get a piece of food stuck in your gullet? Well, he couldn't swallow anything. Everything he tried just came straight back up. Even sips of water. So I got him to the hospital. He was operated on and they found the problem. A single petit poir,, yes, those tiny little peas, had got stuck in the valve. That's all the gap he has left. They had to remove the pea after they knocked him out. Anyway, to get back to the story, He hasn't had any gastric episodes since we moved here in 2002. Last night he had one for the first time since then. And it was a bad one. Not enough to hospitalise him, but enough to scare him. Then he started blaming me, saying the stress of doing the decorating must have made it happen. So I reminded him that we made the decision to decorate TOGETHER. And that HE was the one who actually started wanting it done. So he launched at me, all guns blazing. Clive is never physical in his arguments, but he can be emotionally cruel. Knowing how much I hated the fact that the last med I was on made me put on 30 pounds, he started by saying how did I think he felt watching me eat like a horse and making myself fat while he cant eat much at all! He KNOWS it was the drugs. He actually eats more then I do. He grazes all day.
But he made me feel really bad. I know it was just because he was so scared that his oesophagitis was going to start being a real problem again, but its not my fault.

I didn't sleep much last night at all. The argument didn't help, but neither did the fact that I have horrendous backache for some reason. I am really down today. Going to be that way all day I think.

To answer Chatty

2006-03-04T23:13:00.000Z

Chattymoon left a comment on my blog, and I thought it best to answer her here.

Already done the bankruptcy thing, which is why we cant get credit at all. And as neither of us is physically able to work, we are on welfare (well, the equivalent here) Which does not really give us enough to live on. For example, we get £91 per week. We have to top up our rent. Thats £35 gone right away. Gas and electric are £12.50 a week each, so thats another £25 gone So you can see, we dont get much left. So I end up borrowing from family. But I have to pay that back. If it wasn't for the dogs we wouldn't survive. By breeding one litter a year, I make just enough to keep the dogs for a year, and a bit extra to pay back all my family what I had to borrow. If I have a really good year, then I make enough to let us actually live for a while instead of just survive. Okay, I just KNOW someone is going to say "Well, get rid of the luxuries like the phone and the internet". I cant. Clive is not too good, and we need to have contact with our families and friends. My Mother is not at all well, and I need her to be able to contact me. As for the internet, well, if I didn't have this, my deopression would be 10, no more like 30 times worse. Think I am exagerating? Last time my internet was cut off for 10 days my son found me by the motorway (like an interstate highway) on a bridge just getting ready to jump off. If I have no contact with the outside world, meaning not my family or the few friends I have, then I just cant cope. I need the outside influence to keep me stable.

Chatty asked what happens with the dogs if we leve them on their own. Well, Kita and Mishka would kill each other. You have to remember that all my dogs, except Shunya, were taken from abusive or negligent owners. They were given to me because it was known that I was capable of managing them. It was me or euthanasia. I would not let that happen. None of these dogs is naturally aggressive, but they have been made that way by people. Mishka and Kita both regard themselves as beta female. and as such will fight for their position. The fact that they dont fight when I am at home is just because I am Alpha female in this pack, and they know it.
Ben is such a big sweetie, but he was left for hours, and on one occasion TWO DAYS, on his own by his previous owner. Now he panics if he doesn't know if we are in the house. He is a big strong boy, and is perfectly capable of breaking trhough every door in the house to get to us if he wants to. We had to replace three doors once he settled here. I will NOT put that kind of stress on my dogs. They have had more then enough to deal with in their lives, before they came to me. I will do everything in my power to ensure they live as normal a life as possible now.

Thanks for the tip on the glasses. I will try to find some of those pads. I have to do something.

Hopefully , that has answered all of Chattys questions. Thanks for caring enough toask them. I value my friends, no matter if they are real or cyber, a friend is a friend.

Nothing works

2006-03-04T08:27:00.000Z

Another night of really disturbed sleep. I wish I could just sleep right through the night. I would love to be able to get up one morning, and actually feel rested and energize. Maybe I should stick a couple of brand new Duracell batteries up my arse and see how I feel then?

Finished the decorating. Think I already told you. But Clive decided that the fireplace wasn't looking right, so he started working on it. The colour he chose isn't quite right to my way of thinking, but he let me have my choice for the rest of the room, I'll let him have his for the fireplace.
The finished article. Pic doesn't show the silver up very well. And the colour of the panels looks pink, but it's actually a terracotta variety. Then Clive picked out the reliefs with silver. Looks really pretty, but just not 100% certain it goes with the rest of the room. But, Clive likes it, and I can learn to live with it. Now we just need a New electric fire too replace the crappy old one we borrowed to replace the one that was there originally that broke.

Why am I boring you all with my decorating story? Are you as desperate for some kind of action in your life as I am? This is the most interesting thing I have done for ages, and yet it is so terrifically boring and dull. I am beginning to wonder if it is really worth carrying on. Nothing changes. I am still married to a man who loves me, and I love him, but I find him boring me more and more. I don't love him any less, but I sometimes feel like he is the one holding us back. I don't suppose it is him. It's more likely to be me. But Clive is so unadventurous. He wants everything to just be the same. He suffers with depression too. A lot milder then mine. In fact, if I was as depressed as him I probably wouldn't even know it.
With no spare cash, and a future that is so debt-ridden that I cant see a way out at the moment, we are so limited in what we can do. We cant go out together unless I get someone in to dogsit. Two of my dogs suffer from separation anxiety, caused by previous owners. That is part of the reason that I ended up with them. I see no reason to put them through any more trauma, so we get someone to dogsit. Usually my son. Although, now he is working again he doesn't have a great deal of free time.

My nose hurts. I have to wear glasses when I am on the computer, or reading. Only started to have to have them last year. My sight has always been perfect up til then. But now the glasses hurt my nose. They don't pinch or anything, just where the nose bits rest on my nose, it gets sore. It hurts, and they give me a headache then. But the amount of time I spend at my computer, I HAVE to wear them, or my eyesight would be really bad in a few years. I don't want to have to wear glasses permanently. I don't like wearing them.

We have snow here. Its unusual for snow to stick here, because I live very near the coast. The beach is only about 1/2 to 3/4 mile away from my house. So the salt in the air usually stops snow. But it is about an inch and a half thick. The dogs had great fun playing in it this morning. Of course, now they are all wet and smelly. Oh well. They enjoyed themselves. And why shouldn't they. They don't have to suffer just because I do.

Trying to buck myself up a bit by listening to my old Garth Brooks CDs. I am incredibly annoyed that His new box set is only available form Walmart, and so I cant get it over here. I love Garth just as much as I love Tony. I am fiercely loyal to both of them.

Oh well. Better go give the dogs their breakfast. I have five expectant faces looking at me.