Friday, February 10, 2006
I really don't feel much like doing anything today. Had a HUGE fight with Clive. Don't want him around any more. Not if he is just going to make me feel lousy all the time. Everything is my fault. He doesn't hear what I say? Well, I must imagine that I am speaking! Nothing to do with the fact that he cant hear anything half the time. There is a pile of unopened bills on the table? It's my fault. They are all addressed to him, but its MY fault. Don't know why I bother even being here. What's the point? So I can be reduced to tears again? Yeah, sure, I really want that to happen don't I? I really hate myself for not being strong enough to do something about it. Yes, I love Clive, and I know he loves me. But right now I just don't want to be here. If it wasn't for the dogs I would just go stay with some friends, or even just go live on the streets for a bit. Nothing could make me feel as bad as I do right now. I couldn't even kill myself because, in his words, "Who would look after the dogs"? He knows I love my dogs way too much to let anything happen to them. Dammit!! I don't want this. I don't need this. I cant deal with it. I am so down I don't think I will ever get back up. I'm not even sure I want to any more. I just don't want to have to deal with the daily fights. Before you get thinking all bad about Clive, he suffers from depression too. But his is very mild. He wont do anything though. Yes, he's on meds. But he moans if I go out of the house. Says we he never goes anywhere. Who is stopping him. Oh, I cant go out, I don't have any money is what he says. Well, guess what buster. NEITHER DO I!! I go to see my sister sometimes, because if I didn't , I think I would kill him. And I am serious. He gets me that mad. That and more. I don't always enjoy being at my sisters, she has five kids plus her grandkid living there, and the house is always full of noise. I like peace and quiet. Not all the time, just some of it, but I don't like full on noise all the time. I just don't know what to do any more. I don't care much either. Whets the point of caring? Nothing is going to change. It cant, because Clive wont let it. I sometimes think he enjoys being all gloom and doom. He almost fights to stay like that. It makes me feel so much worse. But for him, every little problem is a huge catastrophe. And its going to kill us. It is slowly chipping away at my love for Clive. I don't think I love him as much as I once did. But I DO still love him. Does that make any sense to anyone. I'm not sure it does to me.
I want to give up. I really do. I don't want to have to fight any more. I am tired. I am so tired. Not just physically, but mentally too. I have to think for us both. All the time. I cant do it any more. I really cant. I wish I didn't have to. But what can I do. I tell him he would be better off on his own, so he comes back with the "don't you love me any more"? Of COURSE I love him. But I don't LIKE him very much right now. If he wasn't in my life I would be so unhappy, but I'm unhappy now. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if its even WORTH trying to work it all out anymore. I want to give up. Let go of life and just let all the problems go away. I cant stop crying just lately. I hate crying. It means others can see my pain. Why should I inflict MY pain on anyone else? Don't they have enough of their own? It's not fair of me to open my box of troubles to others. I don't want this any more. No more. No more.
posted by tazfan at 12:25 pm comment(s) made:
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