Friday, February 03, 2006
The last few days have been pure hell. And, I am told, it will get worse. The feelings of being "spaced out" and empty have intensified to an unbeleivable level. I tried a short walk today. Biggest mistake I could have made. I feel like someone took my head and filed it with helium. I keep feeling, and being sick. Really , REALLY scared myself. Phoned the docs, and he told me it was okay. It was normal. But it doesn't FEEL normal. Not at all sure what it DOES feel like, except damn scarey. I dont like being like this. And it has affected just about EVERYTHING. I was checking hubbies bank account today, and realised I have missed making a couple of payments into it. Doesn't sound too bad, does it? Until you realise that, for every payment in I missed, a direct debit did NOT get paid. AND the bank charges up £40 for each unpaid direct debit. Thats about US$71, CAN £81,AUS $91, 59 Euros. for EVERY SINGLE mistake I make. We live on a very tight budget. £40 is more then 1/3 of what hubby and I have to live on each week. And out of that I have to fund EVERYTHING, including the excess rent I have to pay. I feel so stupid. I am going to end up not eating because I was stupid enough to miss a payment. I might even have to let the internet access go for a month.
Add all that to the fact that our cooker damn near blew up this week. Started humming and making noises, and smelling, when the oven was on. And now three of the four hob rings wont work. I'm scared to use it.
Why doesn't someone just shoot me. It would be far easier. I cant be around when people need someone to talk to. I cant help anyone. Damnit I cant even help myself. I am so useless. I might as well just not be here at all.
Endless sleep. I never want to wake up, but I dont sleep well.I want endless sleep. No, lets get it right. I just dont want to be alive any more. I cant do anything except make life worse for me, for everyone. I dont want to be here. No more.
posted by tazfan at 8:02 pm comment(s) made:
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