Sunday, December 25, 2005
After a long and not fantastic day, I am slowly sliding towards a night of hopefully restful sleep. It took me a long time, but I think I finally worked out why I woke up crying. It was obvious I had been crying for some time. My pillow was wet, not just damp, but wet! I have spent most of the day trying to work it all out. Life has been trying to kick me down for years. Since I lost Phil. Life hasn't ever been easy, but with Phil by my side I could cope. I didn't let it get me anywhere near as bad as it could. I was okay. Phil would look after me. He wouldn't let anything hurt me. He loved me. I loved him. Nothing could hurt us. Nothing but the one thing that DID happen. Phil died. Today I figured ut what is wrong with me. I cannot survive without Phil. I DO love Clive. But it is a different love to the love I had with Phil. I am happy with Clive. I know he loves me. But he is undemonstrative. Phil would have told me 100 times a day that he loved me. He would have cuddled me. He would have seen if I had started to get down. But Clive doesn't. I dont mean he doesn't love me. He does. But I almost have to beat it out of him. He cuddles me, but only when I get on to him. And as for seeing my feelings, forget it. Clive wont even acknowledge his OWN feelings, let alone mine. I KNOW he isn't Phil. I dont want him to be. I want my Phipper back. I love him as much now as I did the day he died. 11 years ago.
Not a good pic, but still my dalring Phil.
posted by tazfan at 8:52 pm comment(s) made:
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