Friday, December 30, 2005
I have been offline for two days because I couldn't afford to pay my internet provider. I couldn't stand not being able to contact the people I care about, so I used the house rent to pay for it. I would rather be kicked out of the house, then have no internet. I cant survive without it.
posted by tazfan at 6:28 pm comment(s) made:
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Tuesday, December 27, 2005
To all of you who have allowed me to post about Phil, and who have commented on it. There will be more to that blog later. It is helping me a lot.
Hoping you all had a great time over the last few days. I know there are a lot of us who didn't, but, if you are reading this, then we all came out the other side. OUr band of brothers and sisters. Joined together with like problems, and different problems. Each supporting others. An eternal circle of those who care, and those who need care. Life isn't always easy. Nor is it always sweet. But it IS always there. Until the end. With love and luck the end wont arrive until it is due. I have had much luck these last few days. I have had luck in having some fantastic friends. Friends who care, and who let me care about them. Life needs that balance. Without it there would be chaos.
posted by tazfan at 9:04 pm comment(s) made:
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Monday, December 26, 2005
I have started a blog about Philip. Maybe you want to look, maybe you dont. I dont mind either way.
My Phil
posted by tazfan at 4:21 pm comment(s) made:
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Please dont let Tony be voted off!! Please vote for anyone but Tony. Vote for Mike Bliss or someone. But please, NOT Tony.
http://www.racingjunky.com/Driver%20Survivor%202005%20-%20Nextel%20Cup.htm
posted by tazfan at 8:25 am comment(s) made:
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Sunday, December 25, 2005
After a long and not fantastic day, I am slowly sliding towards a night of hopefully restful sleep. It took me a long time, but I think I finally worked out why I woke up crying. It was obvious I had been crying for some time. My pillow was wet, not just damp, but wet! I have spent most of the day trying to work it all out. Life has been trying to kick me down for years. Since I lost Phil. Life hasn't ever been easy, but with Phil by my side I could cope. I didn't let it get me anywhere near as bad as it could. I was okay. Phil would look after me. He wouldn't let anything hurt me. He loved me. I loved him. Nothing could hurt us. Nothing but the one thing that DID happen. Phil died. Today I figured ut what is wrong with me. I cannot survive without Phil. I DO love Clive. But it is a different love to the love I had with Phil. I am happy with Clive. I know he loves me. But he is undemonstrative. Phil would have told me 100 times a day that he loved me. He would have cuddled me. He would have seen if I had started to get down. But Clive doesn't. I dont mean he doesn't love me. He does. But I almost have to beat it out of him. He cuddles me, but only when I get on to him. And as for seeing my feelings, forget it. Clive wont even acknowledge his OWN feelings, let alone mine. I KNOW he isn't Phil. I dont want him to be. I want my Phipper back. I love him as much now as I did the day he died. 11 years ago.
Not a good pic, but still my dalring Phil.
posted by tazfan at 8:52 pm comment(s) made:
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Crying this morning, and have barely stopped all day. I dont normally drink very much at all, but I have been on the alcohol since early morning. I am only just now starting to feel numb. I guess life goes on whether I want it to or not.
I hope everyone is okay out there. Do whatever you feel is neccesary to get through this and come out alive the other side.
Love and hugs to every single one of you. Whoever, and wherever you are. Special love goes to my friends.
posted by tazfan at 1:49 pm comment(s) made:
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Wednesday, December 21, 2005
I have posted this both here, and on Blogster, so if you read it there, you know what this post says.
Christmas isn't a great time for me. My youngest brother (7 years older then me) died this time last year. I am terrified that one of my other brothers is going to die. Un reasonable thought I guess, but I cant get the thought out of my head.
I remember all the Christmasses when I was very, very young, like three and four. My brothers and sisters would make sure I got presents, things I really wanted. Mother (henceforth known as the Dragon) wouldn't get me anything. She said that the others got me more stuff then I should have. I remember my second oldest brother, Tony, getting me my own dog. A beautiful shepherd pup. I loved that pup. The following day my step-father sold him.I had ONE night with my dog. Tony almost killed Albert, my step-dad. It took my older sister and my oldest brother to drag Tony off Albert. After that all my brothers and sisters refused to come round if Albert was in. I wish they had. I could have told them what was happening. I tried to tell the dragon, but she wouldn't listen, or she didn't care. I want to believe it was the former, but I really think it was the latter. My brothers and sisters would have believed me, and they would have done something about it. But Christmas was spoiled because thats when the abuse started.
Because of everything that happened, I dont like Christmas. But I try to make sure everyone else does. Christmas Day, all my dogs get a full Christmas dinner, exactly the same as we are eating. It's going to be strange this year. Tippi always had leg meat from the turkey. She loved it. She would turn her nose up at breast meat, unless she figured out that was all that was left. I am going to miss her even more. I still think she is round here somewhere. I am sure I have heard her breathing at night, and felt her lie down by my side of the bed. I feel so lonely without her. Even though I have Clive, she was with me for so long, through so much. She protected me. I loved her, still do. No dog will ever replace her.
Christmas, a time for joy and celebration? Not for me. A time of loss, humiliation, abuse, and sorrow.
I wish you all a very merry christmas, and a very happy new year.
posted by tazfan at 1:16 pm comment(s) made:
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005
My beloved Tippi. I miss her so much
posted by tazfan at 3:07 pm comment(s) made:
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Sunday, December 18, 2005
The deep, deep depression I feel around Christmas. It's biting a little earlier this year. There is no solution to it. And I have an added problem this year. I have to drive 200 miles late Christmas Eve evening. I wont be home until after midnight. I dont want to do it, but no one else can. That time of the year I am alwasy feeling really REALLY bad. I am going to have to see if I can get someone to go with me. But who can I ask? All the parents I know will be busy preparing for Christmas day, I'll be back too late to take any of the kids.
I am still terribly worried about my brother dying. Even though I know he is fine. I still cant get it out of my head. And I miss Glynne so much!! The hole in my heart just wont heal. I dont want it to. I love my brothers and sisters, all of them, and I never want to lose any of them. EVER. I would rather die myself.
I wish I could get up some kind of enthusiasm. For anything. I'm getting to the point where I dont really care about anything any more. And I seem to be picking fights as well. I turned on Clive this morning. He did nothing more then walk in front of me, and I told him I dont love him any more, and I wanted him out of the house. Neither of which is true. The look of hurt on his face was so bad I thought I was going to die. I just held him and cried, and cried, and told him I was sorry, I didn't mean it. I dont even know why I said it.
posted by tazfan at 8:09 pm comment(s) made:
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Saturday, December 17, 2005
Sorry. Had to remove this post.
posted by tazfan at 10:29 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, December 16, 2005
Dont ask why. I have no idea. I just know that I feel like I am doing everything in slow motion. And I just cant get anything done. I tried five times to write this in my blog, but each time I managed to do soemthing wrong. So instead, I did the post in notepad and kept saving it every minute or so, so I didn't have to re-do it AGAIN!! It would normally take me a minute to type an average length post, but so far, this one has taken me 10 minutes! It feels like my hands are lead. They feel so heavy. My eyes are sore and gritty.
I just found out that one of my friends from my slimming group, has the super bug MSRA. Not sure if you know of it over there in America and Canada (and anywhere else that any of you are reading this) but it is a flesh eating bug. Not bug like an insect, but bug like a bacteria. Its awful and it CAN kill!! We are so worried about Diane. She is a lovely girl. Happily married, with two beautiful young girls. She went into hospital to have a hernia repaired, only for the docs to discover that it wasn't a hernia at all, but a 5lb tumour. Luckily it turned out to be benign, but now she has the MSRA. She has to go to the hospital twice a day. 8am and 8pm to have antibiotics injected, and after Christmas she has to have two operations. Her Mom caught Pneumonia because she got so exhausted from looking after Diane when she came out of hospital.
Spare a thought for her and her family if you can please. They are having a rough time right now.
posted by tazfan at 10:46 pm comment(s) made:
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Sunday, December 11, 2005
Sascha now has a new home. The people from over the other side of the country, about two and a half hours drive away, came to see her, and fell in love with her. She has nowGone to live with Sean, Brooke, Jack, baby Leigh, Cairo the german Shepherd, who is related to Sascha, and the Cocker Spaniel whose name I forget. THey seemed very nice people, and didn't mind when I told them that Sascha can be very naughty. Nothing I said put them off, and they asked lots of questions. THey handled Sascha very well while they looked at her. They were firm but kind. And insisted that she did as she was asked. I like to see that, because that is what she needs.
I miss her already, but I know they will look after her really well.
Byebye Sascha. Thanks for being here when I needed you.
posted by tazfan at 3:15 pm comment(s) made:
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Saturday, December 10, 2005
from a couple over the other side of the country, who MAY be interested in Sascha. I'm not going to get my hopes up. I got very disappointed last time. I cant cope with that again. They will phone me in the morning if they ARE interested. I really need her to go to a new home, but then again, I dont want her to go. I am so attatched to her now. She is such a sweetie. I cant afford to keep her, and she DORES need a home where her full potential will be realised. I am trying hard NOT to talk myself out of this.
posted by tazfan at 10:03 pm comment(s) made:
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I am in self destruct mode. No, dont worry. I'm not planning on anything stupid. Just had a visit from our landlord. We are way behind in our rent. He says if we dont catch up over the next month or so he will have to evict us. I dont blame him. But I have to find the money from somewhere, and I dont know where. I also had a letter from our cable company. They provide our tv, phone and my broadband. They will be cutting us off soon if I dont find THEIR money this month. I have sold just about everything I can. Hubby has sold loads of his stuff too. We just cant get enough to do anything. How will I survive without my internet? Where will we be able to go with 5 dogs? The world is collapsing again, and I am underneath it all. I wish it would all just come crashing down and finish me off, but I know it wont. I know I will not be able to cope well with all the problems, and I know that hubby will cope even worse. I need a miracle, or maybe two or three, or maybe even four. I have been juggling money for so long now I have forgotten who I borrowed from to pay who else. DAMN! And this Adsense thing has stuffed me up too. I was going to use the money I made from that to pay the cable company. I am such a waste of time. Cant do anything right. Dont know why I bother really.
posted by tazfan at 1:27 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, December 09, 2005
Any idea why? Yep. TONY is in it!! I particularly love the look on his face, when he first waves to Jr. You can SEE how much they enjoyed making this video. It is SO awesome!!
posted by tazfan at 11:57 pm comment(s) made:
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Hope to hell I got it right now.
posted by tazfan at 11:26 pm comment(s) made:
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Which bit of this template is the google ads so I can take them off my blogs. Anyone know? It's all > and >, and hrumphs to me
posted by tazfan at 11:23 pm comment(s) made:
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My adsense account has been disabled :( I was clicking because the ads were of interest to me. Now it says I cant click on them at all. I dont understand. I thought they targetted you with ads that were of interest to you because of what you wrote in your blog. I dont understand. Just another thing to go wrong for me. Why do I bother.
posted by tazfan at 10:32 pm comment(s) made:
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to be the one that all my friends call to fix their computers? I dont know much about them. Just enough to keep my own from going belly up most times. But two friends from my slimming club both called me today to fix their computers. I sem to have spent almost the whole day sorting them out. Kept my brain occupied I suppose, but I missed taking my meds. And now I am suffering for it.
I am suffering like crazy with feeling hungry. I know I cant be hungry, I have eaten. But I still feel like I could eat a four course meal. Wish I knew why.
Huge row with my husband this morning. And with me being missing all day we haven't spoken yet. I hate it when we are like this. He has been really narky since the doc added Tramadol to his meds. He is SO irritable. I hate it.
Emotions rollercoastering all day. Up, down, speeding, crawling. Never seem to have settled. Need some stability.
posted by tazfan at 9:33 pm comment(s) made:
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Thursday, December 08, 2005
And I feel colder then I should. Last year, just before Christmas, I lost one of my older brothers. Very suddenly. Now I am beginning to have unfounded fears that I am going to lose another one of my brothers. When Glynne died last year, it bought our family back together a little. Due to my mothers second husband being a total and utter bastard (please excuse the language, but he is the only person in the world I ever really hated) my family spread over the country and had very little contact with each other. But Glynnes death bought most of us back together. I loved it. Now I am terrified that Tony will die. Tony being my brother, not Tony Stewart. There is NO logical reason why Tony should die, but I just cant get it out of my head. It scares me so much.
posted by tazfan at 9:13 pm comment(s) made:
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by Barbara
2005- My year in review!
1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before?
Started to believe in myself. Just a tiny bit.
2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Two of my neices. Within days of each other.
3. Did anyone close to you die?
My beloved Tippi. My German Shepherd that I had had since she was a puppy. That girl meant the world to me.
4. A -Did you travel?
no
4 B - Where did you go?
In my mind I have been travelling to America and Canada to find my internet friends. Although most of them probably wouldn't really want to to visit them.
4 C - Best holiday memory?
nothing.
5. Best thing you bought?
My Home Depot Funny Car! :)
6. Where did most of your money go?
What money. That is something that never even really makes it into the house. It is all taken up before we even get it.
7. What do you wish you had done more of?
Loving, living.
8. What do you wish you had done less of?
Wasted time and energy caring about what others thought of me.
9. What kept you sane?
My friends. Starting to blog
10. What drove you mad?
Not being able to get on top of my depression. I hate it so much.
11. What made you celebrate?
My daughters wedding. It made her happy.
12. What made you sad?
Losing my Tippi, Seeing friends suffer, seeing family fighting.
13. How was your birthday this year?
Usual waste of time
14. What political issue stirred you the most this year?
I avoid politics if I can. Whoever you vote for, the government gets in. And the government only looks after its own.
15. Where you in love in 2005?
With Phil (my first husband, who died), and Clive, my current husband
16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year?
less weight. Less debt, more freedom,
17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why?
Nov 17th. The day Tippi wentr to join Phil at the Rainbow Bridge.
18. What song will remind you of 2005?
none really. I supose maybe Garth Brooks Good Ride Cowboy. Tribute to Chris Ledoux.
19. Compared to this time last year are you happier?
I'm not sure. I FEEL a little happier, but when I try to examine WHY, I cant come up with anything.
20. Biggest achievement this year?
Losing 22 1/2lbs so far.
21. Biggest disappointment this year?
That I couldn't make everyone else happy.
22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?
Happiness.
23. Best new person you met this year?
Babs, Clance, Nascar Granny all people who have helped me realise I AM worth fighting for!
24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?
Care not so much what others think of you, so much as what you think of yourself. IF you can make yourself feel proud, for even one second, then you have achieved something worthwhile.
I tag:
EEEEEK I dont know WHO to tag!!
posted by tazfan at 11:59 am comment(s) made:
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I need a lot of help with this weight loss. I need to know that it IS working. I can see the physical evidence, I dropped from size 28 to size 18 clothes (UK sizes, NOT US), but when I look in the mirror I still see the fat ugly woman I have been for so long. My depression has a direct effect on how well I do. Because I tend to eat when I am really low, it is hard to control how I eat. I am trying so hard to make this work, but I just cant do it on my own. Would you please just stop by and say hello? The link is over there ------> spelled wrong, but it can still be read as weight loss :)
Thank you my friends, strangers (who, after all, are just friends I haven't met yet), anyone.
posted by tazfan at 8:54 am comment(s) made:
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Wednesday, December 07, 2005
To Whom it May Concern:
To dream anything that you want to dream, that is
the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that
you want to do, that is the strength of the human will.
Those who say it can't be done should get out of
the way of those who are doing it.
Success doesn't come to you ... you go to it.
posted by tazfan at 12:07 pm comment(s) made:
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It's just not fair! I should be in America. At least you lot over there still get SOME Tony fixes when there is no racing.
But look what I managed to get a hold of. I dont know if he ever really drove one like this, but who cares. It has Home Depot on it, Its enough like Big Orange to be Tonys, it has the number 20 on it. ITS A TONY CAR!!! Dont argue with me.
It didn't cost me much either. I KNOW there were better uses for my money (sorry Barbara :( But I couldn't resist it could I? ) but how could I let this get away from me? Well? Any answers? :) Thought not.
posted by tazfan at 12:03 pm comment(s) made:
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I have started the other blog, but I cant get this blog to link to it. I tried :( I followed the instructions to the letter, but as usual, I am just too stupid to do it right. If anyone has even the SLIGHTEST bit of interest, my new blog is http://tazlosesweight.blogspot.com/
If someone can help me link it then please HEEEELP!!!
posted by tazfan at 9:54 am comment(s) made:
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Think I might start another Blog. One for my Slimming World. I lost another 3lbs this week. That means I have lost a total of 22 1/2lbs so far. I have not been able to lose weight like this before. I have always managed to lose maybe 6 or 8lbs, but never over 20.I have dropped nearly 5 clothes sizes. I used to be a UK size 28, now I am an 18/20 depending on what clothes they are. The pj's I am wearing now are 18's and they feel HUGE!, but my jeans are a 20 and they only feel a little loose. I would be happy to get to 14 stone, or, for my USA buddies, 196lbs. I haven't been that light since I was 20. I weigh 16st 11 1/2lbs now (235 1/2lbs) I have come down from 18st something. I cant remember, but I hated being that big. I just want to be normal. I already feel a little better for having lost over 20lbs. But I want to be able to walk past people without them staring at me. I already feel as though everyone hates me, I dont need to feel worse because someone doesn't like the way I look. But I am not doing this for them. I am doing it for me. I want to be healthier. I want to enjoy things again. I need to feel good about myself again. I just wish I had reason to.
posted by tazfan at 9:17 am comment(s) made:
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Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Disappointment AGAIN. The guy who was coming to see Sascha today has decided not to go ahead. So my sweet little baby girl is up for sale again. I REALLY need to find her a home. She is just ripping me apart. I SO want to keep her, but I know I cant. I just cant afford it. There is no way I want any of my dogs to suffer because I couldn't make my head rule my heart.
I feel so low again now. I was not too bad yesterday. But I did get a crippling bout of stomach ache last night. No idea why. I spent the entire night in agony, crying from the pain. And throwing up. YUCK!!! Its amazing how long you can keep retching when your stomach is totally empty. And of course, the more I retched, the more it hurt. I finally managed to get to sleep about 5am. And got up again at 7.30am. To find the email from the guy who was going to buy Sascha.
Sascha has decided she is stronger then anyone else. Ben and Inka against Sascha!!!
posted by tazfan at 9:14 am comment(s) made:
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Sunday, December 04, 2005
A friend found me some wallpaper for my computer for Christmas. He knows how much I love Taz.
posted by tazfan at 2:58 pm comment(s) made:
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A friend found me some wallpaper for my computer for Christmas. He knows how much I love Taz.
posted by tazfan at 2:58 pm comment(s) made:
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Saturday, December 03, 2005
My on my horse.
A long LONG time ago, when I was 16, I used to teach riding at a riding school in Stoke on Trent. The horse in the picture is General Smiles, or Smiler as he was known. I was thinner then. A LOT thinner. I am twice that size now. Okay, maybe not TWICE, but a LOT heavier. Smiler is probably no longer around. He was 8yrs old when that picture was taken.
Rommell is the grandad to some of my dogs. He belongs to my best friend in the dog world, a lady called Jackie. She loves Rommell to bits, and so do I. She would never, EVER let Rommell go to anyone else. But she wont let me have him either! :)
He is HER baby.
posted by tazfan at 3:23 pm comment(s) made:
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Friday, December 02, 2005
So. Off to bed I go. Its gone 11.30pm and I am really tired. Bet I dont sleep well again though. I have GOT to go see the doc again. But I dont want to. I do need to get myself sorted out better. It's driving me mad. Ooooooops, no, I am ALREADY mad!
Top pic is My Bens Grandad, Rommell. I want that dog!!
Bottom pic is my grandson, Ben, lying with my beutiful Tippi. This is how good she was with kids!!
posted by tazfan at 11:28 pm comment(s) made:
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As you can see here. Sascha just HAD to get in on the act with her Daddy!!!
posted by tazfan at 8:31 pm comment(s) made:
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I decided to post some more pics. Not of Tippi this time, and not exclusivly of Sascha either. But my iccle baby puppydog, Ben. He is 2 1/2yrs old, almost 3. He is Daddy to Sascha. Here, you can see that Sascha has taught him my treadmill is a good place to lie!!
posted by tazfan at 8:25 pm comment(s) made:
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Oh wonderful :(
Just got a phonecall from "The Dragon" AKA my mother. Some may know that I dont get on well with my mother. But, she IS still an elderly person, and I DO do stuff for her. This time I cant help. she lives in a block of flats (apartments) on the ground floor. The flat above her has somehow managed to break the pipe that goes to the tap (faucet) in the kitchen. Mothers flat is now flooded. I have no transport to get over there. My sister and her husband usually deal with stuff like this, but they have their cell phones turned off. Now I dont know what to do. I cant fix the pipe, as it is snapped, and all the stores are now closed. We need a plumber, but the landlord only allows certain ones to work on the building. Cant get hold of the landlord. Damn. This is going to do my mental state a lot of good isn't it!! I need a magic carpet and a genie!!!
posted by tazfan at 8:02 pm comment(s) made:
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Thursday, December 01, 2005
Not sure why that post put two or more copies of the same pics in there. But I am NOT going to change it. Maybe Tip know I miss her so she sent more of herself!!
posted by tazfan at 10:59 pm comment(s) made:
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My beautiful Tippi
posted by tazfan at 10:26 pm comment(s) made:
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I HATE mood swings. I was fine half an hour ago, but now, I just want to curl up and cry. No reason why, I just want to. As usual, all the dogs know something is up. Ben and Sascha came and sat behind my chair. They weren't playing, they just lay down. Sascha is making an odd noise. Like a purr, but she cant purr, she's a dog!
I dont get this. I should be pretty happy. I have managed to lose 3lbs in weight this week. I have been trying for YEARS!!! and I DO mean years, to lose weight. In the last 15 years I have weighed around 17/18st (thats around 238/252lbs for my dear American friends). I reached my heaviest at the beginning of this year. 18st 9lb (261lbs). I am now down to 17st (238lbs). I have tried hard for years to diet. But one of the side effects of my depression is to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat! I'm sure you know what I mean. Some cant eat, some over eat. Well, I am the 2nd type. I will eat just about anything when I am depressed. Even stuff that normally makes me sick. Like fish. I HATE fish, especially tuna and salmon. But, if I am depressed, and there is a tin of tuna around. I'll eat it. This year I have been able to limit the damage by learning a new way of eating. A whole new eating plan. And it works for me. I want to get down to 14st (196lbs) I would be happy with that. I have NEVER been really skinny or anything. Always had plenty of meat on my bones. But I dont want to be this whale that I see in the mirror. This lump of lard. Huge rolls of fat. Making me so ugly I cant bear to look at myself. Why does Clive stay married to me when I am so ugly? Why do my beautiful dogs not care how bad I look? I dont know how anyone could bear to look at me.
I think I need some sleep. Lots of it. I am thinking about Tippi again. I miss her so much. I cant just reach out and touch her like I want to. I really hate her not being here. I feel so empty.
Can you only have pics at the top or at the sides of your posts? I wanted that pic of Tippi to be down here, with the words about her.
posted by tazfan at 10:10 pm comment(s) made:
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What a day. Anyone want a migraine? You can have mine. I dont want it. Had to go do some grocery shopping today. Hated EVERY minute of it. I dont normally mind, but today, right from the minute I set foot outside my front door, I knew I was going to have a bad day.
Here's a pic of Tony that I love. Just want to put a pic of him where I can see it.
I need to figure out a few more things about how to use this Blog.
I LIKE IT HERE!!!
posted by tazfan at 6:20 pm comment(s) made:
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