Monday, March 20, 2006
Seems like the end. I know it isn't, but the way things are going, it feels like there is nothing past now. The next minute doesn't want to arrive, and I am left feeling worthless and useless. I see no reason to expect time to carry one. I dont even want it to. Each second just causes more hurt, more pain, more negative feelings. And those all add up to nothing. And that is what I am. Nothing. I have no right to exist, never mind actually live. I dont want to be this way. I want it all to stop. I want it all to go away. Everything. I know it wont go away. I dont even deserve THAT much. But its what i want. I should know better. I know I never get what I want. I dont even get what I need. I dont feel like I ever get anything. Why am I lying to myself, and others too. Why should I inflict myself on others? What have they ever done to deserve me. No one can have EVER been that bad. I dont want anything to keep me down, but it always does. I feel like I cant lift my head out of the water for more then just a gasp of air. enough to keep me alive, but not enough to take away the pain, the terror. I dont know where to go or what to do to make it better. I cant do it. I cant. I dont even want to any more. If only I had never been born. I wouldn't feel this way. I would never have had to go through the emotional and psychological torment. Life just isn't worth the fight any more. I dont know why I keep fighting to stay here. I am not enjoying life. I am not enjoying anything. I cant take it any more. I dont want to.
If I had a choice I would just give up. but something makes me fight. What is it? Why does it still want me here? Is it so life can torture me some more? is that all I am worth? I dont know if I will ever feel any different. Each time I think I have it just drags me back. Even further back then I was before. I dont know how to stop it.
posted by tazfan at 10:18 am comment(s) made:
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